Friendship----ISN'T magic?
by The Cowardly Christian
Summary: MLP x GF x Crackdown x Multi crossover! Dipper once had friends...friends who were torn away from him by the treachery of another. Now he's left his problems and his world behind...too bad his problems wouldn't leave HIM behind. 3 evil gangs ruled by 3 evil men...will friendship stop them?...I doubt it... (eventual) Dipper x Harem
1. prologue

**Friendship-ISN'T magic?**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

 **Between two groups of people who want to make inconsistent kinds of worlds, I see no remedy but force. -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.**

...

 _Who wants a Lamby, Lamby?_

 _We do! We do!_

 _Come on bro-bro...you gotta admit it sounds crazy..._

 _Hey look! It's the pony boy!_

 _Dipper I'm worried about you..._

 _Still haven't found your 'friends' yet, loser!?_

 _Dipper...I didn't want it to come to this...but we've been having theses sessions for years-_

 _Man, even his imaginary friends don't want him! Pathetic!_

 _-and you've blatantly refused to show progress...if this continues...I'll have no choice-_

 _Bro, please just forget about them! Even if they were real, you can't get back! so-_

 _-But to recommend to your parents that you be sent to an institute._

 _-so why not just MOVE ON? Be a normal boy?_

 _SHUT UP! SHUT UP ALL OF YOU! I WILL NEVER RENOUNCE MY FRIENDS! WHAT WE HAD WAS REAL! OUR FRIENDSHIP WAS REAL!...AND IT WAS MAGIC!_

 _..._

Dipper Pines gasped as he woke up...he panted...and shook his head...and got to work... This was his last chance...his parents made it clear that if him being sent to Gravity Falls didn't 'cure' him...he'd be sent to an institute...

Dipper frowned as absentmindedly picked up a newspaper...

 **Pacific Gang war escalates!**

 **Nation Capital in flames!**

 **Global Organized law enforcement considered useless!**

Dipper frowned at this. _"Last chance for EVERYONE really."_ Thought Dipper to himself...he wasn't an idiot...Mable might've been oblivious...but he knew the main reason they got sent to this rinky-dink town so suddenly was to get them away from the carnage that was enveloping this increasingly crap-shack world...

...which if you think about it... really made his decision all the more easier...

 **(Music Starts)**

He searched the journal he'd found a couple days ago...and found what he need...the final component he'd been searching for...the ability to tap into a magical power source great enough to fuel his mega-spell...GRAVITY FALLS...

 **Mayday! Mayday!**  
 **The ship is slowly sinking**

Dipper gathered together all the necessary ingredients he'd painstakingly gathered over the years...

 **They think I'm crazy but they don't know the feeling**

"Bone of the father...unknowingly taken...you'll free your progeny."

 **They're all around me,**  
 **Circling like vultures**

"Blood of the mother, forcibly taken...you'll help your bloodline break the bounds of this world."

 **They wanna break me and wash away my colors**  
 **Wash away my colors**

"Flesh of the son...willingly taken...your sacrifice will grant your desire- GAH! SWEET BLOOD THAT HURTS!"

 **Take me high and I'll sing**  
 **Oh you make everything okay (okay, okay)**

Dipper allowed several kites to fly...all of them embedded with the mystic lightning rods crafted per the Journals instructions...

 **We are one in the same**  
 **Oh you take all of the pain away (away, away)**

"per magica mori est de hoc mundo: Venite ad me, ut tu orbem terrarum in quibus vivunt ut iterum" Pleaded Dipper-

 **Save me if I become**

All of Gravity Falls did quiver...

 **My demons**

ZAP!

The deal was truck, and so had the lightning...

 **I cannot stop this sickness taking over**

The ritual circle was fueled by the energy of mystic land it was on...

 **It takes control and drags me into nowhere**

"EARTHQUAKE!" Screamed Toby Determined as his house began to shake...

 **I need your help, I can't fight this forever**

Lazy Susan watched amazed as her Coffee pancake flew into the air...and kept going...

 **I know you're watching,**

Deep beneath the town...an ancient drawing depicting a triangle being...blinked...

 **I can feel you out there**

BOOM!

 **Take me high and I'll sing**

All of Gravity Falls and the surrounding area was ripped up from the ground...and flew away...

 **Oh you make everything okay (okay, okay)**

The energy traveled across ley-lines all across the world...before sending the recipients of the spell..on their way...

 **We are one in the same**

On another world...six 'people' woke up...

 **Oh you take all of the pain away (away, away)**

"Sister, what's happening!?" Screamed Princess Luna as they watched the Sun and the moon ignore their orders and go crazy...

 **Save me if I become**

The six knew not why they were hurrying...they only knew they had to get...'Somewhere' fast...

 **My demons**

"I-I don't know." Stated a confounded Celestia...who was currently nursing a bruise on her face that was inexplicably starting to hurt again...

 **Take me over the walls below**  
 **Fly forever**  
 **Don't let me go**

All of the town saw the six running...and they ran with them...

 **I need a savior to heal my pain**

All of equestria watched as the sky went nuts...

 **When I become my worst enemy**  
 **The enemy**

The strange lights...

 **Take me high and I'll sing**  
 **you make everything okay**

The sun and moon going crazy...

 **We are one in the same**  
 **you take all of the pain away**

A giant flaming object heading right toward them!?

 **Take me high and I'll sing**  
 **Oh you make everything okay (okay, okay)**

The people of the town watched in amazement/horror as the object crashed outside their town!

 **We are one in the same**  
 **Oh you take all of the pain away (away, away)**

Suddenly, six objects burst out of Celestia's inner-sanctum...

 **Save me if I become**  
 **My demons**

They all flew across the land to reach their owners: Apple Jack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Twilght...

 **Take me high and I'll sing**  
 **Oh you make everything okay (okay, okay)**

None noticed as the elements of Harmony returned to them...they were busy crying...looking at the friend they thought they lost...

 **We are one in the same**

"Dipper?"

 **Oh you take all of the pain away (away, away)**

Dipper was in tears as well as he dog pilled by his friends. _"I'm home."..._

 **Save me if I become**

None looked up to see other things that fell from the sky...

 **My demons...**

…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: the song is 'My Demons' by 'Starset'**

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	2. getting started ARC S1

**Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 2**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

While Dipper reunited with the Mane Six...both Gravity Falls citizens and ponyvillites were sizing each other up...

 _"Did I...go back in time to when I was five?"_ Thinks a certain red lumberjack girl in wonder.

" _Ponies!? Talking like us?! It's finally happened! The end of days!"_ Thought a frantic Sprott as he turns and runs...right into a wall...no one even notices...

 _"A world full of colorful talking ponies...someone shoot me now."_ Thinks Stan to himself.

Daisy, Rose and Lily naturally screamed and fainted over the whole thing

" Humans? Here?" Questioned Dr. Whooves out loud, "But none of the nearby humanoid universes should be capable of inter-dimensional travel yet!...wait...how do I know this?...from a past life?...what's a past life? BAH! I'm probably just going crazy!" Said the doctor dismissively as he swung around a strange golden watch with constellations on it on it's chain...

Sweetie Drops playfully nudges her friend Lyra Heartstrings, "You must be having the time of your life huh?" Lyra groans, "One time! I try to get comfy by sitting like a human ONE time, and suddenly everyone's labeled me as a human fangirl! Nut's to that! I'm my own person, frack it!" She snarls annoyed. Sweetie wisely decides to drop the issue...

Fortunately the panic and confusion that usually would rule this type of situation was mostly defused. The ponies weren't worried since their protectors- The mane Six -were here and armed with their elements of harmony. And the people of Gravity Falls weren't worried because...well...would YOU be worried if a large group of adorable, colorful, talking, downright magical ponies came up to meet you?

Okay...anyone mind telling us what just happened here?" Asked Stan finally. Many people/ponies on both sides nodded. "Yeah, some exposition might be needed here dude." Said Soos to Dipper.

Dipper smiled as he helped himself up from the big hug his friends were giving him, "Right- Right...well for starters let me introduce my friends: Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight Sparkle."

"Howdy!"

"H-Hello."

"OMC! OMC! SO MANY NEW FACES! SO MANY PARTIES TO PLAN!"

"Charmed."

"Glad to meet you all!"

"I just want to say what an honor it is to be the first to introduce you- Humanity to Equestria and Pony-kind!"

Suddenly they all heard a laugh, they all turned to see one Robbie Valinteno. "Ah, man. This is rich! A boy your age friends with a bunch of sissy ponnies!"

"Hey! Who you calling sissy!?" Shouted Rainbow Dash as she immediately flew right over him menacingly- prompting gasps from all the humans. "Yeah, what in tarnation is your problem with us?" Demanded Applejack angrily as she trotted to him annoyed.

Robbie paled- more at the sight of a FLYING horse then two angry females(although the last part didn't help either) -as the two glared at him, all the other humans were quick to give him a wide berth.

Robbie gulped, "It's just...well come on! Your...colorful ponies...it doesn't exactly scream 'macho' dose it?"

"Oh? Were not 'macho' are we? HOW ABOUT NOW!?" Shouted Rainbow Dash as she lifted him up in the air screaming, wetting his pants in front of everyone...before letting him drop a measly five feet to the ground-

 **CRACK!**

Where applejack was waiting to kick him in the nads on reentry.

Robbie whimperd as he rolled on the ground in pain.

"Riiight...moving on. What is the story here?" Asked Grunkle Stan awkwardly.

Dipper nodded, "Okay it all started 4 years ago- "4 years?! Dipper it's only been 4 weeks!" Interrupted Twilight. Dipper's eye's widened...then nodded in understanding. "Inter-dimensional temporal dissonance." He realized out loud.

"Say what now?" Asked Applejack. Before Dipper could explain- "It means that time flows differently between dimensions, apparently 4 weeks is equivalent to 4 years in his world." Explained Twilight flawlessly.

Dipper nodded happily, "Exactly right." He'd forgotten how smart Twilight could be...

"4 years!? You were gone four years!?" Shouted a horrified Pinkie pie, I thought you seemed a bit taller but I thought that was just because it was dark! but 4 years! That's a long time! Like a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY long time! I thought 4 weeks without you was unbearable but 4 YEARS!? I'm going to need to plant so many parties to-

Stan coughed, "Right, if we could get back to his story?"

Dipper nodded and began...

...4 years/weeks ago...

Twilight sighed and lounged on the side of the flying chariot as Spike narrated Princess Celestia's directions, _"I don't understand...Nightmare Moon will return...and the princess wants me to make friends? The fate of Equestria doesn't depend on me making friends!"_

 **BOOM!**

Twilight and Spike screamed as a loud explosion nearly knocked their chariot out of the sky, Twilight watched in amazement as a crack appeared in the sky...and sent something crashing to the ground!

Twilight's eyes widened, _What is this!? Nightmare Moon!? Has she come early!? I must know for sure!"_ She quickly demanded that they fly down to investigate...

...

8 year-old Dipper Pines groaned as he awoke...everything hurt. "Twilight...what is it?" Asked an unfamiliar voice. "I...I don't know...I've never seen anything like it." Said an unfamiliar voice.

Dipper groggily opened his eyes...and beheld a dragon peering right at him!

 **GAH!**

Screamed Dipper!

 **GAH!**

Screamed the dragon!

Dipper hastily ducked and covered, "Please don't kill me! I'm sorry!"

Suddenly he felt a very comforting and warm embrace, "Hey...it's okay. No one's going to hurt you." Said a soft, reassuring feminine voice.

Dipper's eyes opened to see a very adorable pony! Right out of his sisters sketch book...except better! "Hey little guy...my names Twilight! What's your name?" She asked happily.

Dipper was so stunned and amazed by a talking pony...all he could do was- "D-Dipper Pines..."

...later...

Twilight groaned as she detached herself from pinkie pie's party...all day it had been one crazy friend-obsessed pony after another. Fortunately Dipper had happily distracted them with his...'humaness?' Was that the word she- Whatever, bottom line it worked to get her away from them fast...until Fluttershy, she was so enamored by a new species- although in fairness she could hardly fault her their...it was awesome! -that she wouldn't leave them alone! And now with pinkie throwing a party, forget about researching Nightmare Moon! She could barely hear herself think!

Suddenly the door burst open and a panting Dipper came into the room. "Oh man...I never thought I'd say this...but that Pinkie is more energetic than Mable!"

Then he sees a depressed and ragged Twilight. "I'm sorry I couldn't get fluttershy or Pinkie to leave you alone like the others." Said Dipper sincerely. Twilight sighed. "It's okay Dipper...you've been more helpful then anyone else in this town today...Thank you." She said sincerely.

Dipper climbed up on her bed and gave her a comforting hug. "I know what it's like to have your ideas dismissed...no one back home ever takes me seriously...even Mable...yeah, she's MOSTLY nice about it...but she's always trying to make me do what she wants to do...to be NORMAL."

Twilight hugs him back, "Thanks again Dipper...it's nice to meet someone who has his priorities straight during a a crisis." She said sincerely...they just sat their hugging for awhile...it was nice...

Twilight was lost in her thoughts, _"Is this what it's like to have a frie-_

"Hey twilight? Can I ask you something?" Said Dipper suddenly. Twilight looks at him, "Sure what is it?" I was just wondering if you could-

...

 **BURP!**

It was at that moment that spike burped out a scroll. Twilight stopped the story and read it, "Princess Celestia is coming!" Exclaimed Twilight happily. People nearby were surprised to see how much she brightened up...but were more surprised how annoyed Dipper now looked.

"Oh, great...HER." He said darkly.

Suddenly the Mane six went very pale. "Dipper...please tell me you won't do what you did last time." Pleaded Twilight.

"Whoa, back up. Who's princess Celestia?" Asked Wendy.

"We'll explain that as we continue the story." Said Twilight desperate to get her mind off what could happen when Dipper and her mentor met again...

…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	3. Chapter 3

**Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 3**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

...After Nightmare Moon returned...

Twilight was really starting to panic; first Nightmare Moon returns, then her mentor vanishes, the night reigns eternal?!...and on top of it all these strange ponies won't leave her alone!

"No can do, sugarcube. We sure ain't lettin' any friend of ours go into that creepy place alone. We're stickin' to you like caramel on a candy apple." Insisted Applejack.

 _"Especially_ if there's candy apples in there." Everyone just looks at her confused. "What? Those things are _good_."Insisted Pinkie pie as she rubbed her belly.

Twilight sighed in resignation...only to find Dipper comforting hand on her shoulder...

"Twilight...maybe it won't be so bad? While I was distracting them...they actually seem like pretty nice ponies...also all the books I've read show that people going into a creepy place alone is the best way to get killed." He admitted morbidly.

Twilight looked at him startled by that last statement...she'd NEVER read a book like that! In any case, for better or for worse..these ponies seemed to be going with her...

No one noticed the wisp of blue smoke...

...

As they walked in, Dipper asked why the Everfree forest was so scary-

"It ain't natural. Folks say it don't work the same as Equestria." Explained Applejack. "How do you mean?" Asked Dipper curiously. "Clouds...can't be controlled...animals...take care of themselves...and plants grow out of control!" Admitted Rarity fearfully.

the ponies expected many reactions from the young boy...what they didn't expect was: "So?" Asked a confused Dipper.

This confounded the ponies, "What do you mean 'so'? Doesn't that seem...unnatural to you?" Asked Rainbow Dash baffled. An equally baffled Dipper just stared at the flying, talking MYTHOLOGICAL creature talk about 'unnatural'. "Yeeeeaaahhh, guys you've basically described every square inch of my home world to a 'T'." He said flatly.

"WHAT!?" Shouted the ponies. Before Dipper could elaborate-

 **CRACK!**

All the ponies and Dipper screamed as the ground cracked open below them, Dipper barely has time to grab onto a nearby tree root. Quickly he looked around in concern for his new friends...just in time to see Applejack let go of Twilight and let her plummet screaming!

"Twilight!" Shouted a horrified Dipper, and without thinking he jumped off the cliff after her- Just as she was snatched up safely by Fluttershy and Rainbow-

Dipper went very pale, "Oh, b-

 **CRASH!**

DIPPER!

Screamed all the ponies as they watched helplessly(their only two fliers literally had their hands full just keeping Twilight from dropping) as Dipper crashed into numerous branches and rock ledges. Although this slowed his decent to below lethality...it still hurt like FRACK!

The ponies reached a sobbing Dipper on the ground, "Dipper are you okay?" They asked concerned. "(Sniff) No!..guys I think I broke my leg!"

Twilight came closer to comfort him, "Don't worry Dipper. I'm well versed in healing magic. I should be able to heal it no prob- OH SWEET CELESTIA!"

Their was blood EVERYWHERE! And Dippers bone was breaking through the skin! As an academic, Twilight of course knew what blood and bones looked like from books...this did nothing to keep her from vomiting...or Rainbow dash and Rarity(with help from her inexplicably appearing fainting chair) fainting..or Pinkie pie crying...only Applejack was(barely) holding it together as well as (surprisingly) Fluttershy...

...

Turns out, taking care of numerous animals of different types involves them getting injured (who knew?) a good deal. As such Fluttershy found herself the only one able to(mostly) keep her bearings.

"Uh...okay...Fluttershy...you just...I can't cast the spell until you snap- Oh my Equestria this is so gross! -the...the bone...back into place."

Dipper still sobbed, "Jus-just make it quick! Like-like ripping off a bandage!"

A somewhat queasy(even she had NEVER seen something this bad before...ordinarily the latent magic of all creatures in Equestria kept the bone and blood IN the body during an injury) Fluttershy nodded as she uneasily grasped the bone. "Um...you might want to cover your ears." She said to the other weary ponies, who immediately obliged.

Dipper's eye's widened confused, "Cove my wha- AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed in pain as the bone snapped back into place...Fluttershy ran off to vomit...while Twilight -swallowing her own vomit -worked the spell...

...

"Huh...good point Dipper...why didn't I just explain myself better to Twilight? If I'd just told her that Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were waiting to catch her...i reckon we could'a saved us a heap-load of drama!" She admitted as they helped their still hurting friend through the woods-

 **ROAR!**

 **Manticoar!**

Scream the ponies as the mythological beast pops out of nowhere. Before they can respond, it strikes it tail at Twilight-

 **CRACK!**

Only for it to hit Dipper instead when he pushes her out of the way-

"DIPPER!" They all scream as he gets a nasty gash on his belly as he's flung to the far side of the clearing...

It took all of Fluttershy's willpower to stay true to her kind nature and stop the other ponies from thrashing the baby manticoar to pieces long enough for her to calm him down and befriend him...

...

Ordinarily, Rarity would be focusing on the muck she was sloshing through in disgust...but instead she was focusing on what her new HUMAN friend was saying.

"So wait...there's NO magic where your from?" She asked in disbelief.

Dipper, being helped along by his new friends as he heals from his (new) wounds. Just shrugged, "Well...not anymore. If the ancient stories are true...their used to be magic everywhere...but then it...left." Dipper admitted that sadly, "and now it's regarded as 'superstitious nonsense'...and people who study it are...considered...weird...like me." He admitted that last part embarrassed.

Rainbow Dash put a comforting hand on his shoulder, "Well your species sounds like chumps! Cause your not weird, your awesome!" Dipper smiles as the other ponies agree

"And here's something magical you can take home!" Said Twilight as she picked a beautiful star-shaped flower that glistened with magic and gave it to him.

Dipper couldn't believe it...this...this was the nicest-

 **ROAR!**

Which of course is when the tree monsters attack, the ponies and Dipper panic...well except Pinkie Pie, she was making silly faces at them?

"Pinkie, what are you doing?! Run!" Shouted both Dipper and Twilight.

Pinkie just giggled, "Oh girls, don't you see?"

 **(Music starts)**

 _"Where's that music coming from?"_ Thinks Dipper to himself.

 **When I was a little filly and the sun was going down...**

Twilight just stared in disbelief, "Tell me she's not..."

 **The darkness and the shadows, they would always make me frown...**

"She is."Said Rarity in resignation.

 **I'd hide under my pillow, from what I thought I saw**

 _"Man Mable would freak if she knew she was missing this...it's like going through her dream journal!"_ Thought Dipper.

 **But Granny Pie said that wasn't the way to deal with fears at all**

"Then what is?"Asked Rainbow Dash confused.

 **She said, "Pinkie, you gotta stand up tall**

 **Learn to face your fears**

 **You'll see that they can't hurt you**

 **Just laugh to make them disappear.**

Pinkie turns to the tree monsters.

 **Ha! Ha! Ha!**

The monster vanishes in a poof of smoke!-

...

"Wait! Wait! Hold on! Stop the music, stop the story, stop everything!" **(music grinds to a screeching halt)** Interrupts Grunkle Stan, "Friendly monsters that just need love to be nice? Monsters that disappear when you laugh? Spontaneous Show tunes?" Stan groaned, "I swear I can feel myself getting diabetes just listening to all this saccharine nonsense! Someone give me some insulin here! I-

"Hey! Quit ruining my musical number!" Shouts Pinkie annoyed.

While the two argued, Twilight took the opportunity to speak to Dipper, "Hey Dipper...you still have that flower?" She asked curious. Dipper sighed, "Sorry Twilight...it vanished when it returned to earth..as did the clothes I was wearing and even my lamby suite! I woke up in my bed with different clothes..no one believed me about you guys...and Mable...well, she was nicer about it...but she didn't believe me either! Worse, when I refused to let you guys go- She convinced our parents to send me into therapy...which nearly got me institutionalized!"

Twilight gasped, she didn't really know what that word meant...but it sounded bad!

Dipper frowned, "Actually...where is Mable?...I don't see her anywhere..." He states concerned...

...back at the Mystery Shack...

Mable groaned as she licked off the Smiley-Dip on her lips... "Maybe I should get up and see what other people are doing?...nah, if it's important...they'll..." Mable was out like a light...

...

Despite Pinkie's best efforts...their was still too many tree monsters...So a mortified Dipper swallowed his pride...and:

 **Who wants a Lamby, Lamby?**

 **We do! We do!**

"I've _never been happier that my mom occasionally gets drunk and makes me wear this in the middle of the night"_ Thinks Dipper as he shakes his cottontail to the sound of squealing ponies and an army of laughing monsters fading into oblivion-

...

 **CRACK!**

Grunkle Stan, who'd been starting to laugh at Dipper...suddenly found himself on the ground clutching his 'family jewels'. Applejack nodded satisfied and then glared at everyone else. "Anyone else of you yahoo's got a problem with the dance that saved us from certain death and helped save our kingdom?" ...It wasn't a question...and everyone knew it.

 _"I could get used to this."_ Thinks Dipper to himself as he continues the story...

…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	4. Chapter 4

**Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 4**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

"That was really nice what you did for that Seamonster." Said Dipper as they walked through the forest. Rarity smiled, "Well I just had to help the poor dear out I-

"Their it is! The ruins that hold the elements of Harmony!" Interrupts Twilight suddenly. Sure enough, a large dilapidated castle could be seen in the distance. Unfortunately, the bridge was totaled. Rainbowdash was quick to volunteer to fly over and fix it.

Dipper turned to Fluttershy, "Hey why aren't you over their helping Rainbowdash?" He asked.

Before Fluttershy could respond- "Were the Shadowbolts!" Shouted the strange ponies that appeared by Rainbowdash on the other side. Dipper strained his hearing to listen in...and heard them offer Rainbow a chance to be on their team, fulfill her dream...provided she abandon Dipper and the group.

Twilight seemed to have heard this too- "DON'T LISTEN TO TH- but it was too late, clouds were now blocking them from her.

Dipper sighed in resignation...and then walked to the back of the group. "What's going to happen now?" Asked Rarity. "And how are we going to get across now?" Asked Applejack.

Before Twilight could respond-

GAIN WAY!

They all jumped out of the way as Dipper ran past them, a rope tied from him to one of the bridge supports strapped to his waist.

"Dipper, what are you- And then Dipper jumped the gorge-

 **DIPPER!**

Screamed all the ponies in horror.

Dipper focused on the other side as it hurled toward him...if he could just reach it...he could make a line that the others could crawl across! Just a little-

 **CLUNK!**

Rainbow cried out in surprised pain as something hit her in the head as she flew through the fog- "OW! What the- And to her horror she saw a dazed Dipper fall back toward the cliff side. The rope he tied to himself swinging him like a pendulum-

 **CRUNCH!**

-slamming his testicles straight into a pointed ledge.

All the ponies winched at the horrible noise...especially Applejack. "That happened to Big Mac once...that never heals right..."

...

"Y-you turned down your dream to save us?" asked Dipper stunned. Rainbow Dash smirked. "Like their was ever any doubt?" She teased playfully.

Dipper looked at her in disbelief, "Yes! Their was! Me! **I doubted!** No one, not even my sister Mable has ever done something like this before! usually it's ME having to sacrifice! Never anyone else! Forget a person I just meet!"

Rainbowdash was stunned, "Oh...wow...uh...I guess...I'm something special then?" She asked awkwardly, not really sure how to respond to this.

And then...Dipper just started to cry as he threw himself onto Rainbowdash and hugged her. "Thank you...this...all of this...your a good friend...all of you are. And I just want you to know...whatever happens. Even if nightmare moon kills us...I couldn't ask for better people to die with!"

All the ponies gaped at this...no one spoke...they had no idea how to respond to this...

...

-I'm just saying...the whole 'inexperienced children going out to save a kingdom and find friendship', It makes for a good story...but in real life...it would never end well." Explained Dipper.

Twilight frowned...Dipper's view on the situation...was a bit of a downer...and yet...it was very insightful and interesting! She'd never meet someone with such a unique worldview before!"

And then, broken from her thoughts...she saw them- THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY!" She exclaimed. Her happiness was short-lived however...

-There's only five, where's the sixth?" Asked Pinkie Pie. "The book said that when the five are present a spark will ignite that will cause the sixth element to be revealed." Explained Twilight as she examined them more closely...

"What in the hay is that supposed to mean?" Asked Applejack annoyed. Dipper sighed, "It's probably a riddle- or something we have to solve." He explained.

Twilight considered this and nodded, "Yeah, that makes sense...perhaps the spark...is magic-

Dipper quickly shook his head; Nope, the answer is never that straight forward, otherwise anyone could've done this..."

Again, Twilight considered Dipper's council...before agreeing. "Well, you might have a point there...but I can't think of anything else."

Dipper shrugged, "Give it a go, who knows? You might get lucky." Twilight nods and begins to use various spells on the elements.

"Come on now, y'all. She needs to concentrate." Said Applejack as she and the others started to leave her-

"WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!" Shouted Dipper as he stepped in front of them before they could leave the room. "Where do you think your going?" He demanded.

Applejack looked at him confused, "Uh- Like I said, were going to give Twilight some space-

"Guys! You Never split up the party! That is literally the number one way guaranteed to getting someone killed! now please just go back to Twilight before-"

 **MWA-HA-HA-HA!**

Laughed Nightmare Moon as she swooped down and vanished away Twilight and the elements!

-Exactly that happens." Groans Dipper.

The ponies start to panic, but Dipper calms himself and he follows the blue smoke and sees it go through the window...and to the next tower over...

Dipper turned to the others, "Okay, I know where Twilight is, but we need to be smart about this...

...

Twilight couldn't believe it...her plan failed...the elements were shattered...Equestria was doomed...all was lost...

Nightmare Moon laughed, You little foal! Thinking you could defeat _me_? Now you will never see your princess, or your sun! The _night_ will-

 **WHO WANTS A LAMBY, LAMBY!?**

 **I DO! I DO!**

Both Nightmare Moon and Twilight turned and stared in disbelief at the sight of Dipper back in his Lamby suite, shaking his cotton tail off...

"So, go up and greet your mammy, mammy, mammy!"

Both ponies were stunned silent...it was hard to tell who was confused more! "What...What is this? What are you doing?" Asked a weirded out Nightmare Moon baffled.

"It's called a distraction, genius!" Shouted Dipper just as Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy air-dropped Pinkie and applejack onto A distracted nightmare Moon.

 **HI-YAH!**

Shouted both Earth ponies as they kicked a startled Nightmare Moon over- "GAH!" Screamed the Dark Pony as she came down hard!

And it was then...seeing all her new-found fighting for her...protecting her...despite how hopeless it all was...Twilight felt it...the spark.

Understanding everything...she turned to Nightmare Moon in triumph. "You think you can destroy The Elements of Harmony just like that? Well, you're wrong, because the spirits of The Elements of Harmony are right _here!_ " She declares boldly as her friends gather to her side.

"What?!" Exclaimed Nightmare Moon in disbelief as the elemental shards began to glow and rise.

 _"Applejack_ , who reassured me when I was in doubt, represents the spirit of... _honesty_!" Shards began to encircle Applejack...

 _"Fluttershy_ , who tamed the manticore with her compassion, represents the spirit of... _kindness_!" Shards began to encircle the shy Pegasus...

 _"Pinkie Pie_ , who banished fear by giggling in the face of danger, represents the spirit of... _laughter_!" Shards encircled the giggling pony...

 _"Rarity_ , who calmed a sorrowful serpent with a meaningful gift represents the spirit of... _generosity_!" Shards encircled the unicorn...

"And _Rainbow Dash_ , who could not abandon her friends for her own heart's desire represents the spirit of... _loyalty_!" Shards- well, you get the idea.

"The spirits of these five ponies got us through every challenge you threw at us!"

"Yeah, why did you do that anyway? Why didn't you just physically destroy us instead of all this indirect weird trial stuff?" Asked Dipper confused.

Nightmare Moon started to retort...then flustered- "My brilliant plans are none of your concern!"

...You didn't think of it until I just now mentioned it, didn't you?"

...SHUT UP!"

"Oh, good comeback! You really showed me."

Rainbow Dash laughed and gave Dipper a high-five for that burn.

Nightmare Moon stamped her hooves in fury, "You still don't have the sixth Element! The spark didn't work!"

Twilight shook her head, But it did! A different kind of spark. I felt it the very moment I realized how happy I was to hear you, to see you, how much I cared about you. The spark ignited inside _me_ when I realized that you all... are _my friends_!"

And just like that...the sixth element revealed itself...hovering above them- "Twisted riddle, Called it!" Said Dipper satisfied.

Twilight nodded in agreement. For a brief moment the glowing orb just hovered above the space in between twilight and Dipper...as if in indecision...but then it floated toward Twilight unabated.

"You see, Nightmare Moon, when those Elements are ignited by the... the _spark_ , that resides in the heart of us all, it creates the sixth element: the element of... _magic_!" Shouted Twilight as the elements reformed and their power glowed with the intensity of the sun as rainbows enveloped Nightmare Moon-

 **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

Screamed the Demonic Pony as she was dragged under by the light...

 **BOOM!**

The ponies groaned as the light subsided... "Ugh, my head." Groaned Rainbow Dash. "Everypony okay?" Asked Applejack. "Oh, thank goodness!" Exclaimed Rarity as she saw her tail restored. "Why Rarity, it's so lovely." said Fluttershy. "I know! I'll never part with it again." "No. Your necklace. It looks just like your cutie mark."

Sure enough her new necklace did...and so did everyone else's. "Gee, Twilight! I thought you were just spoutin' a lot of hooey, but I reckon we really do represent the elements of friendship."

"Indeed you do." Said a voice behind them.

They all turned around just in time to see the sun rise...and their beloved Princess Celestia to appear before them!

All the ponies bowed except for a happy Twilight...and a suspicious Dipper.

"Twilight Sparkle, my faithful student. I knew you could do it."

"But... you told me it was all an old pony tale." Said Twilight confused.

Princess Celestia smiled as she leaned down closer to Twilight. "I told you that you needed to make some friends, nothing more. I saw the signs of Nightmare Moon's return and I knew it was you who had the magic inside to defeat her, but you-

 **SMACK!**

You could hear a pin drop...Twilight and her friends just gaped in horror...Princess Celestia was stunned...a red hand print marring her once perfect features...that was just given to her by a PISSED Dipper...

...

"Oh, no he didn't." Said Chief Blubs aloud as he heard that part of the story. Twilight sighed, "Oh, YES...he did."

...…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	5. Chapter 5

**Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 5**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

 **AN: this chapter was collaborated by Wolvenstrom**

...

The silence lasted for an eternity...Celestia...PRINCESS Celestia of Equestria...just got hit by an 8-year old in a lamb costume...it be funny if it weren't so serious. Finally, Celestia snapped out of the shock touched her cheek and looked at Dipper baffled.

"Why did you- "SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!" Shouted an irate Dipper, "Do you realize that Twilight and everyone else nearly DIED! They could've been seriously hurt! The trickster master BS is entertaining in books, BUT FRACK YOU IF YOU DO IT ON MY FRIENDS! You-

...

Twilight flustered, "Uhhhh...since most of the words Dipper is about to say...didn't exist in Equestria until he said them- also mixed company is here -I'm going to replace them with...'puppy'."

Dipper rolled his eyes but kept his peace...

...

BUT FRACK YOU IF YOU DO IT ON MY FRIENDS! You (puppy) on a (puppy) doing (puppy) with your (puppy) mother (puppy) sideways you (puppy) Shove a (puppy) up your (puppy) While your (puppy) mamma (puppy) (puppy) (puppy) in a bucket (puppy) and die you (puppy) (puppy) (puppy)-

Dipper's words were suddenly muffled as the mane-six quickly grabbed him and dragged him away. Twilight got down on all fours in frantic submission. "Princess Celestia, please forgive our friend! He is a stranger to our land and knows not what he dose!"

"LIKE FRACK I DON'T!" shouted Dipper suddenly, "Dipper hush!" Squeaked one of the ponies desperately.

Twilight chuckled nervously as a bewildered Celestia watched this whole scene unfold, "He's been hurt a lot tonight...he's babbling and possibly feverish! One too many hits to the head! Just a little cuckoo is all!"

"HEY! I AM NOT CUCKOO-

"DIPPER WILL YOU PLEASE JUST LET ME HANDLE THIS!? I'M TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE HERE! NOW PLEASE APOLOGIZE TO THE PRINCESS!" Shouted Twilight desperately.

"FORGET THAT!"

"DIPPER! SHE'S PRINCESS CELESTIA!"

"I DON'T CARE IF SHE'S QUEEN OF CREATION! THAT DOSE NOT MAKE IT OKAY TO HURT MY FRIENDS!"

Twilight chuckled nervously as she turned back to her mentor, "Uh, what he means to say..." "Twilight, it's okay." Said Celestia suddenly, "It's obvious that what Dipper did, he did out of concern for you and your friends...something I can respect."

Twilight looked at her startled, "Wha- but he hit you and said all those...words!" She said that last part with a blush(she didn't know why, but those strange, unknown words just made her very awkward and uncomfortable).

Celestia rubbed the hoofprint on her face slightly annoyed, "Yes...I can't help but feel that the slap and the- I have no idea what most those words meant, but I doubt they were complimentary -were a bit uncalled for."

"Agree to disagree." Snarked an unrepentant Dipper, despite the best efforts of his friends to keep his mouth closed.

Celestia, clearly still unused to people talking back to her in such a harsh way looked baffled once more, but quickly composed herself. "Regardless, I will let it go as his heart is in the right place and you've all clearly been through a lot tonight...Besides I must respect someone's opinion even if they don't agree with mine."

"But-but you Princess Celestia! Your the wisest and most powerful being in Equestria!" Said Twilight shocked at what her mentor was saying.

Celestia just smiled and shook her head, "Twilight, I'm not perfect. I never pretended to be perfect. It was other ponies who raised me up onto a pedestal regardless of what I told them. Do you really think if I had all the answers that I would have had to resort to what I did to deal with Nightmare Moon? I can, have, and will make mistakes. My prowess comes from experience, not divine knowledge...and I will admit to leading more than a few ponies down the winding path. I surmise that I've spent so long playing the long game, making plans that span years that I've forgotten how such actions affect people in the now."

She turned to Dipper, "Your right, I did manipulate Twilight. I did the best I could with a bad situation...but you are right that it was a risk...and I feel bad for it. And I'm sorry. And I promise to do better in the future. But the danger is passed and you've all made such wonderful bonds of friendship...so can't we start over?" Asked Celestia expectantly.

Dipper...just looked at her for a moment...then crossed his arms. "Yeah, that's not happening."

Celesta smiled, "Great, now let's- and then the proverbial 'record' of the universe did an abrupt scratch as she and everyone else processed what he actually said.

"Wait, what?" Asked all the ponies at once. Twilight looked at Dipper baffled, "Y-your not forgiving Celestia?" She asked in disbelief. Dipper gives her a weird look. "No, I'm not forgiving her! First of all, she can make all the promises and fancy speeches of doing better that she wants...but until I actually see her DOING that...I'm not going to believe a word of the person who nearly hurt my friends!"

"How can you NOT believe her!? She's Princess Celestia!" Shouted Rarity aghast. Dipper sighed, "Look...Celestia is clearly someone you respect and admire...and if I'd been born and raised in Equestria- who knows? -I probably would think the same way...but I wasn't. I've literally just meet her...and as first impressions go...manipulating and almost getting my friends killed doesn't exactly warm me up to her."

Twilight...was uncomfortable...she and the other ponies could -reluctantly- see the logic in Dipper's words...buuuut...for a person to not forgive someone at the end of an epic adventure?...that was unprecedented!

Twilight tried to think; "Um...okay...so if Celestia PROVES she's being honest...you'll forgive her?" Grasped Twilight desperately.

Dipper went into deep thought...then shook his head, "Nah."

"What, why!?"

"I mean it'll help...but honestly it's very hard for me to forgive someone who messes with people I care about...at least that's how I feel about it right this second anyway. My opinion might change later...but that's later..."

"Come on Dipper! What SPECIFICALLY would Celestia have to do to have you forgive her? You have to say something conclusive!" Pleaded Pinkie Pie.

"Guys...I can't...this is a very open-ended problem."

Twilight looked at him confused, 'Open...ended...problem'? What's that?"

...

"Whoa, whoa! Hold the phone!" Shouted Stan once more interrupting the story. "Why were you getting so worked up over him NOT forgiving someone? Is that really such a big deal?"

Twilight scratched her head uncomfortably, "Weeeellll...it's just that ordinarily...it only takes 20-30 minutes for somepony to forgive another pony-

"Sometime's it's double length but that's rare." Interjected Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie pie nods, "Yep! all arguments and grudges are settled within the half hour- especially family issues! -in a nice little bow! Nothing but happy endings and loving family for everyone!"

 _"Get out! And don't come back until you've made back the money you lost us!"_ The memory burnt into Stan's head...he glared at the pink pony in front of him. "I hate you so much right now."

Pinkie pie and the other ponies were taken back both by this unexpected proclamation AND the malicious ice in his voice. "Why?" Asked a hurt Pinkie pie.

Twilight coughed nervously, it was probably best to wrap things up, she didn't know why but it looked like Dipper's uncle wasn't the only human angered by that last bit.

"Anyway, after much pleading and begging from us-

...

Dipper sighed, "Fine, I forgive you." Everyone felt great relief over that, as the natural flow of the universe was restore-

"But I got my eye on you, don't even THINK of trying to pull this frack again!" And like that it was gone again.

Twilight looked at him unnerved, "Uh, Dipper? That's not really- "That's the best your going to get from me Twilight, deal with it." Said Dipper sharply.

...

Twilight sighed..."after which...Celestia offered to find a way to get him home...but Dipper told us he didn't want to go home...he didn't want to leave the only friends he had...we hugged him happily...and...and then..." Twilight began to tear up, dipper hugged her for support.

...

 **ZAP!**

The group hug was interrupted as a bunch of green tendrils in the form of green grasping hands began to form and grasps Dipper...and drag him into a vortex...the same type of vortex that brought Dipper here...

"GUYS HELP! PLEASE! I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK! I-

 **BOOM!**

And like that...he was gone...

 **DIPPER!**

Screamed all the ponies as they're friend vanished into thin air. "Princess Celestia...what happened?" Asked Rarity desperately. Princess Celestia was at a loss, but she quickly composed herself...and used her magic to scan the area...her eye widened in despair.

"He...he's been sent back to earth." The ponies gasped, they ran to her and pleaded for her do something...tears were especially prominent on Twilight's face

Celestia felt her heartbreak...one of the main points of this whole thing was for Twilight to discover the joy of friendship...and for her to find it...only for THIS to happen...it was too horrible for words...

"I'm sorry girls...but such magic is beyond even me." Without another word...she hugged them as they cried over their friend who seemed lost forever...

...

Pinkie sighed, "I was so depressed...I wasn't even in the mood to make a celebratory party for our victory over Nightmare Moon..." But then she beamed, "But now we can party! Who's up for the biggest reunion blowout they ever saw!?"

Everyone; pony and human cheered for that...regardless of who you were...who doesn't love a party?

...

Meanwhile, Celestia and Luna were heading toward the epicenter of the mystic disturbance. They'd sensed it was by Ponyville- which is why they sent a letter to Twilight about their arrival- but other then that they knew nothing and were wondering what on Equestria was going on...

Hopefully Twilight could help them make sense of it...

Oh, how wrong they were...

...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	6. Chapter 6

**Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 6  
**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

 **AN: this chapter was collaborated by Wolvenstrom and** **nightmaster000**

...

"Oh, my word! Sister...what happened to the land!?" Indeed, it looked like someone just dropped a large piece of land near Ponyville and forcibly shoved into the earth! Even more incredible, the Everfree Forest had seemingly doubled in size!

 _"Wait...no it hasn't."_ Thought Celestia surprise, she uses her magic to double-check...but yes! It would seem that a forest just as large as the Everfree had plopped up right next to it! So close that their borders were forcibly crunched together...and the magic she was sensing from the NEW forest...it was unlike any magic Equestria had ever seen! And just being near it...sent a feeling of dread down her spine...

"Sister, look! The ponies have gathered!" Celestia followed Luna's hoof...and sure enough...the ponies have gathered near...a new town? And...HUMANS!? Desperate to make sense of all this...the alicorn sisters began their descent.

...

"I'M GOING TO NEED A BIGGER CAKE PAN!" Shouted Pinkie excitedly as the eager humans crowded around her to place their orders for the party...

 **BOOM!**

 **GOOD PEOPLE OF EQUESTRIA! WE HAVE COME!**

Everyone screamed in fear...except for Mayor Befufftlefumpter...who simply woke up...took one look at Luna and... "Ah, the grim reaper I've been expecting you..." He said in aching resignation.

Celestia slapped her own face frustrated, "Sister, Sweetie. We've talked about this...we don't use the 'bang Royal Canterlot' voice anymore." She said in gentle chastisement.

Luna blushed, She was still getting used to life around other ponies again-

 **NIGHTMARE MOON IS BACK!**

 **CRACK!**

-Although right now she'd settle for wondering how that young human boy managed to get to her and punch her to the ground so quickly!

 **SISTER!**

Screamed a horrified Celestia as all the ponies gasped in horror(especially the main six who looked like they were on the verge of a stroke- okay mostly Twilight -but they were all freaking), they hadn't really believed the Mane six when they said that someone would actually HURT their beloved royalty...only now they see the truth!

Before anyone could respond, Dipper was on top of the downed Luna pulling out a cord and choking her with it- "QUICK! GUYS! USE THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY AGAIN! YOU HIT HER AND I'LL STAKE HER THROUGH THE HEART! THAT'S BOND TO KILL HER FOR GOOD THIS TIME!" He shouted as Luna started to turn blue(er) from lack of oxygen-

...this did little to calm everyone down...

...

"Wait, let me get this straight: After I left; it turned out the elements of Harmony just 'magically' made Luna good again instead of killing her?" Said Dipper skeptically shorty after he'd been pried off Luna.

"Yep! Were all good friends now!" Shouted Pinkie Pie happily. "Indeed the evil that she created with her jealousy that in turn possessed her has been vanquished" , affirmed Celestia happily. "I assure you Dipper, my sister is no longer a threat to anyone."

Dipper rolled his eye's, "Right...because YOUR assurance means so much to me." Said Dipper sarcastically. All the nearby Ponies gasped...and Celestia blanched. " _When was the last time any pony ever doubted me? To my face at least..."_ She thought awkwardly...she didn't like to admit it...but she was VERY used to everyone just obeying/trusting/respecting her immediately without question... Now in fairness to her; she was wise and benevolent enough to not be arrogant , abuse this fact, or even take it for granted...she also knew she needed to respect the opinions of ALL- even those who were against her...but the simple fact of it was...it had been CENTURIES since ANYONE had a differing opinion to her!...as such- much to her embarrassment...she realized that she didn't really know HOW to deal with it.

So now she was left reeling in (mostly)unknown waters...cautious and flat footed...but also nostalgic at the same time. _"I...remember what this is like. (Hee. hee.) I haven't been treated like this since Star Swirl taught us as filly's. To not be revered or looked up to. Treated as if my word matters no more than any other pony...it's interesting."_ She realized.

Meanwhile, the people of Gravity Falls were getting over the chaos...and were taking in the splendor of their regal new rulers- "Eeeeeeek pretty princess pony!" Screamed a girlish squeal of delight. Everyone looks back and is shocked at who it came from. Manly Dan blushing coughs into his hand embarrassed. "Uh...who said that? Pretty wussy...whoever they are." He lied lamely as Wendy face-palmed in embarrassment.

"Now how can you like that one better?" Asked Blubs confused. "Ohhhhh! just look at 'er! Her hair looks like a majestic night sky!" Squealed Durland in delight. His partner tried to calm him down. "Okay, okay man! I hear yah! But play it cool! We'll only get one shot at a first impression here!" He urged. Durland nodded, "Cool! Right! Got it!"

Unaware that she could hear them...and trying hard to hide a small smile of still being able to impress people with her entrance...she turned back to Dipper.

"Right...onto business...Dipper, although I'm glad that Twilight is reunited with you and that she's happy...I can't help but notice that you've...brought a town here." Said Celestia delicately.

Dipper groaned, "Look...I lived in a world where magic is practically nonexistent...traveling between dimensions is a complex spell that requires a LOT of magical energy! The land that Gravity Falls rests on was literally the only thing with enough magical power to power the spell! And the only way to get THAT with the limited resources a 12 year old middle-class/lower-class boy has was to weave the spell so that it included the land itself...I'd like to have seen you do better." He stated gruffly.

Celestia frowned at that, "Okay, fine fair enough. You accomplished something grand despite your limited resources- But the fact remains that you've forcibly ripped a bunch of people from their world and dimension without their consent or a way to send them back!" She pointed out.

"Actually were okay with this!" Shouted Lazy Susan, and there was a chorus of agreement from everyone else in town. Now this REALLY left Celestia baffled.

"What?! But- you've been torn away from everything you knew and loved!" She shouted in disbelief.

"Well actually, were kinda an isolated town...so 'Everything we knew and loved' actually came with us." Explained Toby.

"Oh...okay then...but...really? Your okay with suddenly finding yourself trapped in a strange new land?" Asked Celestia in disbelief.

Wendy laughed, "Lady, in the brief time we've been here we've seen nothing but cute, friendly, TALKING ponies who just want to be our friend and throw us a party- pauses to hug some nearby ponies for emphasis -I think I speak for everyone when I say were willing to see were this crazy ride takes us!" There's a large cheer from everyone to emphasize her point.

"Oh...well...good! That's good then!...I guess." Said a slightly frazzled Celestia as she turned back to Dipper.

"Okay, fine. They might be...surprisingly okay about the situation. But you've dropped an ENTIRE town from a different world filled with a new species literally right on our doorsteps!...there's much that needs to be seen to!"

She turned to the gathered humans; "Attention Humans! I welcome you to Equestria! I hope this is the start of wonderful friendship between us and your species! However, it is imperative that I speak to your political and law enforcement officers immediately! We have much to discuss!"

"That's us Bubs! She's calling us!" Cried out Durland in panic. "I know! I know! Just be cool! Be cool!" They reaffirmed each others confidence and grabbed the Mayors wheelchair and quickly (yet in poorly nonchalant fashion) came before them.

Luna groaned as she rubbed her still sore neck and jaw, "She didn't know what hurt more...her trachea or the rightfully suspicious and accusatory stare of that Pine boy who clearly still saw her as the monster who nearly killed his friends...

Putting these depressing thoughts aside, she joined Celestia as the cops came forward...both Sisters looked at the Wheelchair in confusion.

"Uh...forgive my ignorance of your customs...but why have you brought this...corpse before us?" Asked a confused and slightly disgusted Celestia as her sister nodded in agreement.

"Is that you Ma?" Chocked out the Mayor suddenly.

"SWEET STAR SWIRL, IT'S ALIVE!?" Shouted both sisters...only to fluster as they realized what they blurted out. "Uh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-

"Oh, relax! He gets mistaken for a corpse 7 times a day! There's a reason why we keep him hooked to this thing to make sure he's alive, after all." Babbled Blubs nervously as he pointed out the portable heart rate monitor the mayor was hooked up to.

"Oh...okay then." Said Celestia slightly weirded out, but she quickly tried to compose herself.

"Uh, my good sir. I welcome-

 **Beeeeeeep...**

Both sisters gasped in horror as the hear rate monitor flatlined suddenly. "Oh! Sorry! Hold on a sec!" He quickly pulls out a portable defibulator and quickly restarted his heart, "Apples! Where are you!?" Shouted the Mayor. Blubs gave Celestia a thumbs up.

Although Startled by this turn of events...Celestia nevertheless composed herself once more and began again.

"Uh...My good sir I-

 **Beeeeep...**

"Yeah, this happens a lot." Said Blubs with a shrug as he uses the defibulator again, "Martha! Who ate my spittoon!?" Shouted the Mayor.

Uh...Sir? I'd like to-

 **Beeeeep...**

"Look, just keep talking, don't backtrack! We'll be here all night otherwise! He'll get the gist of it!...more or less!" Explained Blubs as he jump started his heart again, "Who's been putting frogs in my butter!?" Shouted the Mayor.

"Sir, do you need medical-

 **Beeeeeep...**

And this went on...the ponies didn't know what was more disturbing...this old man's constant dying...or the nonchalant attitude the humans seemed to have toward it...

After fifty flatlines-

Luna slaps her own face in annoyance, "Oh, for the love of- Look, is there Someone else- ANYONE else we can talk to!?" She demanded.

Before Celestia can reprimand her sisters rudeness- "Oh, sure. Just talk to Preston Northwest. He's just as good as talking to the mayor if not better!" Said Blubs with a smile.

Celestia looked at him in confusion, "Wait, then why didn't you bring him in the first- She shook her head- Never mind, Just bring him here."

"No need your majesty! I'm already here!" Preston Northwest was a hard man to shake-up...still even he'd have to admit(to just himself of course, he wouldn't be caught dead admitting weakness) that the current situation had caught him off guard...still one did not become part of the 'fiction 500' in the cutthroat world of finance without being able to adapt- and more importantly exploit -extreme circumstances...he'd been spending this whole time getting the lay of the land and winning over the various ponies...which as it turns out is even easier then humans! Many of the ponies are reminded of those delightful traveling Salesmen brothers Flim and Flam...

Preston kiss her hoof, "Your majesty what a pleasure it is to meet you! I'm Preston Northwest, CEO of Northwest industries, richest man in town, head of the city council, and trusted advisor of the Mayor! I can honestly say that anything you want, will be your's within a heartbeat!"

"Oh, boy." Here we go said Stan to himself as he rolled his eyes.

"Oh, well that's good to hear!" Said Celestia happy to get things back on track, they then began to talk of the future of the town and how it would concern Equestria...

...

Mable groaned as she drowsily got out of her mess...and walked outside of the Shack to see what the commotion was...

...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	7. Chapter 7

**Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 7**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

 **AN: This chapter was collaborated by 'Wolvenstrom'.**

...

Twilight was ecstatic! Her friend had returned to her!...and so many other humans had come too! She couldn't wait to learn more about their culture! ...of course...there was some downsides...Dipper apparently was still abrasive as ever toward Celestia...and his refusal to forgive Luna was also rather worrying...but Twilight was confident that she could eventually get him to forgive them- Wait, what happened to his ear?

It was at that moment that, they heard a rustling from the bushes...the main-six turn...and are surprised to see a female version of Dipper... wearing an odd sweater?

Dipper sighed, -and that would be my sister." He said with a sad smile.

Mable said nothing...she just took in the large assortment of magical, cute ponies. And did what came natural to her-

 **EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**

Squealed Mable so loud that everyone and everypony had to cover their ears. Mable ran up happily to them, eager to hug them, love them, pet them, name them and be best friends, and ride off into a sunbeam like in her dreams-

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" Shouts an angry Applejack suddenly, Mable stops abruptly in her tracks. "Wait, what?" She asked out loud.

"How could you do what you did to your kin? Trying to make him think he was loco and what-not?" Barked Applejack. "Yeah, not cool girl!" Snaps Rainbow Dash. "Very uncouth!" Shouts Rarity. "What kind of Sister doesn't support her siblings friendships?!" Demanded Twilight. "I'm very tempted not to offer you a pie!" Snaps Pinkie. "Uh...that was...kinda mean...what you did to Dipper I mean..." Said a reluctant Fluttershy.

Mable practically bugged out! "I- wha -how -who -what?" Babbled Mable in hurt confusion...ANGRY ponies!? This wasn't at ALL as she envisioned!...Plus, someone BESIDES her defending Dipper was kinda weird...

Dipper laughed, "Okay guys, thank you for standing up for me...but honestly...were all back together, I'm starting a brand new life in this wonderful land, I stand vindicated and it's just a great day all around...I'm willing to forgive Mable. I'm too happy not to!"

Mable smiled at that...

"Wait, your willing to forgive her but not Celestia?" Asked Twilight in disbelief. -I LIKE Mable! AND she's my sister!" Snapped Dipper annoyed.

Twilight sighed... "Fine..." She'd let it go for now... She turned to Mable, "Alright Mable, if Dipper forgives you...so do we- the others give nods to affirm that -friends?" She asked attentively as she raised up a hoof to her.

Mable giggled with as she reached out a hand- And then she saw something even MORE adorable!

"Hurry up!" "I can't see!" "Watch yourself!" "Were almost there!" The Cutie mark Crusaders fought their way through the crowd of ponies to get a better look at the strange 'HOO-mans' -was that right?

But found themselves falling forward and landing in a heap in front of the crowd...right in Mable's eyesight. Mable let out a squeal SOOOO great that several ears began to bleed, she ran over to scoop them up and hug them-

 **FWOOOM!**

 **GAH!**

-And set them on fire as they screamed in pain!?

 **WAIT, WHAT!?**

Screamed everyone/pony-

...

It didn't take long for everypony to see that it wasn't just the CMC that were having difficulty...every time Mable touched a pony...they burst into flames. Thankfully they were put out before any lasting damage was caused..but Mable was currently quarantined. Celestia was able to sense that it was the result of a dark curse(a type of which she had never seen before..and powerful too). But despite hers, Twilight's and Dipper's fevered search through the Ponyville library... and although they were able to discover that Mable was filled with an influx of 'negative energy'...they could find nothing-

Fortunately- "Well we could do what we always do when Twilight doesn't know anything. Go ask Zecora." Suggested Pinkie happily. Celestia stays to continue the search there while everyone else goes to Zecora's hut.

"Wow...this forest is HUGE!" Exclaimed Mable excited as they went through Everfree. "Don't you have forests like this back on earth?" Asked Twilight confused. Mable suddenly got very quiet... "Well...not anymore..." She admitted awkwardly.

Before Twilight can ask her to elaborate- "Look! A hut! Is that Zecora's!?" Shouted Dipper quickly. Sure enough he was right...but Twilight can't help but notice Dipper breathe a sigh of relief...

...

"Why do you speak only in rhyme all the time. Ha! Good one Mabel." This was naturally one of the first things she asked to the eccentric Zebra. Zecora just smiled. "I assure you that my speech of verse, is not afflicted by spell or curse. It is by choice and I plan I choose to devise, so that ponies would believe all that I say was wise."

Dipper nods at that thoughtfully, "Makes sense I guess. It's easy to make anything sound sage when you make it rhyme or haiku it."

"Wait...so you don't 'have' to speak like that?" Asked Dash amazed. Zecora sighed and shook her head, "Once that may have been true. But my decision do I rue. So long was I rhyming that by the time I wished to stop, verse I have forgotten how to drop.

...So...You spent so long rhyming that now you can't stop?" Said Applejack simply. Zecora just nods.

Thankfully Zecora had been there when Gravity Falls 'landed', so she knew what had happened and had already prepared her instruments and potions already for if they came to her. So She was quick to recognize it...Bad karma...

"A sentient curse that does it's best to hide, keep's it's worst aspects inside. But now that you are in the know, it's power shall only start to grow. What once was a spark, easy to dampen and spoil, new friends shall now blaze as though dipped in oil!" Explains Zecora dramatically.

Dipper just looks at the scrolls detailing this curse thoughtfully...then he goes back to the back of the hut...and begins to tinker...with...something...

Meanwhile, the ponies are confused by the situation, especially Twilight. "Weird; The concept of karma so strong it turns to curse is not unheard of...but it's just extremely rare in Equestria given how ponies generally get what is coming to them swiftly...I get that it never manifested before since there was no magic on earth to power it...but I've never heard it building up to such a degree like Mabel's has."

"Geez, Mable...who'd you cheese off?" Asked Dash. Mable suddenly looked very nervous. "Uh...well...you see-

"Okay, look you don't know Mable like I do!" Interrupted Dipper from the other side of the Shack. "She is literally the nicest person you'd ever meet! she can't go 5 minutes without making a new friend- she befriends ever pizza boy that comes by for crying out loud!" Dipper shook his head... "No, it's probably my fault...even though there was little to no magic in our world- outside of gravity Falls -I still experimented with arcane objects and the like in close proximity to Mable...also, I've caught her drinking a lot of my chemicals...so who knows what effects that had on her?"

Mable chuckles nervously, "Uhhh- Yep! That's probably it! heh, heh- I told you not to mess with that stuff you creep! And to not make that goop so delicious! But hey, no one's perfect! Let's change the subject now!"

This pacified everyone...except Zecora...she eyes the nervous Mable suspiciously. The ponies maybe too innocent...and Dipper to absorbed in his work- and too blinded for his concern for his sibling -to see it...but an older and more world weary Zecora...could see the BS coming from this young girls mouth fairly easily...

She trots up to Mable...checks to see that everyone is too busy researching -or in Dipper's case...she actually had no idea, what was that boy up to? -and whispers to Mable: "This affliction I have seen, in the luckiest to ever have been. In our lives we take the good and bad, baring the dim to await the glad."

Mable looks at her confused, "What are you- Zecora nods toward a still busy Dipper, "For as long as you refuse the blame. All will end the same. Strengthen your heart, endure his ire. Or all your friendships will end in fire." She said pointedly.

Mable's eyes widened- "How'd you- She quickly composed herself -I mean...I've no idea what your talking about?" She lied lamely. Zecora rolled her eyes...but before she could respond-

"Finished it!", Shouted Dipper from the back. Everyone looked toward Dipper as he pulled out what he'd been working on- Zecora gasped and flattened herself against the wall in fright. Quickly making a mark with her hands to ward off evil.

The ponies, curious about Zecora's reaction. Gather to see the talisman Dipper just fashioned. It was made of bone, covered in runes and converged in on itself in a three-pronged sheath...and it felt...off...it was obviously full of magic...but the ponies had never felt magic like this! Equestria magic was warm, fuzzy and sweet...this was...more chewy, cold, and SOUR.

"Wha...what is that?" Asked Twilight both frightened...and intrigued... "It's a bone charm, back when magic was in the world...it was a very popular way to focus and form one's magic- even if you weren't naturally gifted in magic...this is amazing! I've never got one to work before!" He exclaimed excitedly.

"Uh...is it safe?" Asked Fluttershy nervously

Dipper smiled, "Don't worry. This sort of magic is 'not' approved of anymore on earth than Equestria. But this particular kind is only considered dark magic by means it was made, not the result."

Zecora finally composes herself and cautiously checks it for herself... "Of putrid magic is it's make, yet your correct, a corrupting influence it does not make. It's power will certainly make her curse go numb...but it's about as effective as fixing a pot with chewing gum." She said flatly.

Dipper again nodded, "Yeah, I figured as much...but hopefully it'll buy me time to figure out a more permanent solution for the curse." He then puts the charm on Mable, she shudders as she feels it take effect.

Twilight takes a deep breath as she volunteers to see if it works, she practically whimpers as she cautiously raises her hoof to Mable...who also tentatively reaches toward it...everyone holds their breath as they touch...and nothing happens.

Everyone lets out a cheer! Twilight is especially excited and eagerly bounces toward Dipper to ask more about this strange new type of magic...

While everyone is distracted...Zecora walks once more to Mable..and nods her head toward Dipper. Mable just squirms, "Look...your barking up the wrong tree! And even if you weren't, you don't understand the situation-

Zecora shrugs, "It would not hard, I could understand why. Either an ugly truth, or a beautiful lie?"

Mable glares, "Look it's over! The curse will be taken care of eventually, and me and Dipper will live happily together in this wondrous new world! Everyone wins! So mind your own business!"

Zocroa angrily huffs, "Then go ahead and run away. Let your curse forever stay. A life alone, without friendship or love, ignore the world for which others strove. Live trapped in a world that exists in your mind, and leave all else that matters behind." And with that...she turns around and leaves Mable be...

Feeling very uncomfortable, Mable quickly rejoins the others as they get ready to leave- "Wait, slow down- Who is the 'Outsider'? Asks a confused Twilight as she writes down everything he says.

As they leave the hut, they find a broken 'welcome to Gravity Falls' sign nearby- "Wait, seriously? The town is named 'Gravity Falls'?...isn't that kinda redundant?" Asked Rainbow Dash.

Dipper rolled his eyes, "Oh, don't get me started." While the old friends made good on their reunion and caught up...Mable lagged behind...when she was sure she was out of sight...she reached into her sweater...into a hidden pocket she'd sewn into it years ago...and pulled a strange star-shaped Flower...long dried up for all the years it spent in a magic-less land...after twirling it around in her hands...admiring it's fading beauty...Mable tore it up and tossed it out of sight.

The bone charm flared it up briefly as it shook a bit...Mable began to sweat...but breathed a sigh of relief when it held. Quickly, she ran back to the group, who'd been too busy with yet another discussion to notice anything else.

-Yeah...my parents weren't...BAD...but their not good either...they were just sorta there...I know this sounds horrible...but I don't even remember their names or what they look like even when I'm with them...their just not very memorable characters-

"Dipper! That's horrible!" Shouted Twilight. Dipper gave her a scathing look, "Uh Twilight? Remind me again what you and your friends parent names are again?"

The main six smiled...and began to say them...but then realized they couldn't!(1) "Whoa...that's...messed up." .admitted Rainbow Dash somberly...

Dipper just lightly patted her back as they walked home...they barely felt the small quake...and of course no one saw the EARTH oak sapling pop up between two equestrian trees...

...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **1: Yes, I know we know them NOW, but only after what? 5, 6 seasons?...I can barely remember them now!...well, except Applejacks of course...dang that was a good episode...**

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	8. Chapter 8

**Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 8  
**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

Dipper groaned as he awoke from bed...he looks around...and sees his room...and sighs. "What was I thinking? Of course it was a dream- A resigned Dipper pulls something out of his nightstand and walks over to open the windows to see if Mable is outside -I mean really? A I magically brought an entire city to a land of 'magical talking ponies'? Sheesh, Mable is right. I am nut-

And then he opens the drapes...and a world of sunshine, happiness, wonder, magic, and most important PONIES! -Came flooding into the room.

Dipper smiled, let a joy he'd long given up on fill his heart, put the revolver back in his nightstand, and ran out to embrace this wonderful new day!

Dipper bursts out the shack front door and breaths in the smell of a new day-

 **(Music starts)**

 **Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me**  
 **I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed**

Grunkle Stan who'd been lounging, groaned. 'Seriously? Spontaneous music and choreography...great, that won't get annoying fast." He said sarcastically.

 **She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb**  
 **In the shape of an "L" on her forehead**

Naturally, an excited Dipper ignored him and ran off to see his friends, he had much to do! Thankfully, he'd been planning this day for years!

 **Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming**  
 **Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running**  
 **Didn't make sense not to live for fun**

Twilight's eye's widened at the large wheelbarrow full of books in front of her; human history, math, physics, folklore, philosophy literature...all copies of what Dipper had...and he was giving them all to her!

Twilight squealed in delight a she jumped onto Dipper to give him a hug. She turns to Spike, "Get all the books inside Spike!. Once I come back it'll take days to reorganize the whole library to fit these new books! I CAN'T WAIT!" She shouted excitedly.

Spike groaned, and he had to cover his ears when an eager Dipper offered to help with that and Twilight's squeal of delight shattered glass-

 **Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb**  
 **So much to do, so much to see**

"Oh, my! These are what humans wear?!" Exclaimed Rarity Excited as Dipper gave him an obscenely large amount of human fashion magazines "Yeah, I figured you'd get a kick out of them." Said Dipper with a smile. "Oh! This is very retro!" She says as she looks at some swinging twenty designs...and this! How very Avant-garde!" She shouts as she sees some steam-punk designs. "I- I have so many new ideas! Where do i even begin!?" "Well, wherever you start. I'll help you." Offered Dipper. This took Rarity back. "YOU want to help me...but your a guy!" She asks confused. Dipper shrugs, "So? This is important to you. And that means it's important to me- He had to cover his ears as Rarity squealed in delight-

 **So what's wrong with taking the backstreets?**  
 **You'll never know if you don't go**  
 **You'll never shine if you don't glow**

Both Twilight and Rarity happily trotted along behind Dipper as they walked through Ponyville...singing-

 **Hey now you're an All Star get your game on, go play**  
 **Hey now you're a Rock Star get the show on, get paid**  
 **And all that glitters is gold**  
 **Only shooting stars break the mold**

"I must say, I've never sung a song quite like this before!" Exclaimed Rarity mystified. "It's actually a very popular song on earth", explained Dipper. "You don't say..."

 **It's a cool place and they say it gets colder**  
 **You're bundled up now but wait 'til you get older**  
 **But the meteor men beg to differ**  
 **Judging by the hole in the satellite picture**

"What do you think? Like anything you see?" Asked dipper as he showed Rainbow dash various sports magazines and equipment. Rainbow Dash looked them over intently, "Huh...well this...'hockey' looks interesting...Caber Toss seems like more something Applejack might like..but I'd be willing to give it a shot I guess...but why do you have... 'surfing' highlighted...and why did you bring this book?" Asked Dash as she held up the completely fictional kids book...'Qudditch through the ages'...

Dipper just smiled...

 **The ice we skate is getting pretty thin**  
 **The water's getting warm so you might as well swim**  
 **My world's on fire, how about yours?**  
 **That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored**

"WOO-WHOOO! THIS IS AWESOME!" Shouted Rainbow dash as she wore rainbow swimtrunks as she used the surfboard Dipper had custom made for her back on earth to shred through the cloud waves...

Meanwhile, Twilight was busy below enchanting 4 balls to act similar to the harry potter book that Dipper had given him, "This will be a HUGE hit for the Pegasus!...although we might need to rethink the golden snitch a bit...make it less of a gamebreaker..." She added thoughtfully...

 **Hey now, you're an All Star get your game on, go play-**

-Sang Rarity, Twilight, Dash as they trotted behind Dipper as they walked through Ponyville-

 **-Hey now you're a Rock Star get the show on, get paid**  
 **And all that glitters is gold**  
 **Only shooting stars break the mold**

Dipper sighed warily, With every once of my being..."I know I'm going to regret this...But Pinkie, here's something we humans liked to call...a videogame." He hands Pinkie a controller...and all of Ponyville did shiver...fortunately it was cancelled out by the good feeling of Dipper giving Fluttershy advanced veterinarian medical equipment...and the portable generator to power them.

 **(Go for the moon)**  
 **(Go for the moon)**

-and in conclusion, with the building of this aqueduct-based irrigation system...Apple acres will make more apples the ever before! At half the price and labor!" Explained Dipper to the stunned Apple family...

 **(Go for the moon)**  
 **(Go for the moon)**

Once more, now all the Main-six were singing happily while trotting behind the equally happy Dipper on the road

 **Hey now, you're an All Star get your game on, go play**  
 **Hey now, you're a Rock Star get the show on, get paid**  
 **And all that glitters is gold**  
 **Only shooting stars break the mold...  
**

 _"Between two groups of people who want to make inconsistent kinds of worlds, I see no remedy but force. -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.? Huh, wonder what that means?"_ Thinks Twilight to herself as she reads a passage of one of the books Dipper gave her as she trots with him an the girls.

Pinkie giggled as she gave everyone a group hug, "All of us together again, it's a HAPPY ENDING FOR ALL!"

 **CRASH!**

"Why didn't you listen to the taxi pony's sempaphore!?" "What are you talking about!? Why didn't you use turn signals!?" "What's a turn signal!?" Shouted the pony and human over the wrecked remains of their carriage and car respectively...

Dipper sighed, as he looked at his watch. "Well, the good times lasted longer then I thought they would...that's something." He turns to pinkie, "First lesson: how NOT to jinx your friends...I got a feeling we got some Looong days ahead..." Once more...no one noticed the small quake emanating from the Gravity falls forest...

...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: the song is 'All-star' by 'Smash Mouth'**

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	9. Chapter 9

**Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 9**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

 **AN: This chapter was collaborated by wolvenstrom**

...

And so Dipper brought Humans and ponies together and they all lived happily ever after right?...weeeeeeeeeeeeeeell not quite...

...

"Hurry up their Applebloom! The sooner we get our chores done, the sooner we can have fun with our friends!" Said Applejack to her sister as she and big mac ran out to the orchard.

Applebloom trotted happily along, "Alright! I hope this gets done soon! Me and the other crusaders are going to- She stops and looks forward confused, "Hey, What are those two humans doing in our apple groove?"

Applejack and Big Mac squinted up ahead...sure enough..their were two humans on the ground...doing something to each other... "I don't rightly know...but it don't look too comfortable." She admits as she cocks her head baffled.

"Nope." agrees Big Mac.

It's at that point that granny Smith waddles up to them, "Now why in tarnation have you stopped? Those apples won't- She stops in her tracks...for a moment she's silent as her dentures fall out of her gaping mouth- "OH MY STARS AND GARTERS! COVER YOUR EYES GIRLS! BIG MAC! GET THE HOSE!"

Quickly she spays the two naked teens off her land, screaming at them all the while, -ought to be ashamed of yourselves! Doing 'THAT' in broad daylight- on my good golden delicious plants! MY GRANDDAUGHTER'S SAW EVERYTHING YOU PUNKS!"

Granny...what WERE they doing?" Asked a confused Applejack. Granny groaned...this was going to be a LOOOONG day.

...

"Sometimes I think, is this all there is? Is life just, some horrific joke, without a punch line? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet release of death?" Mused Toby determined on the stage of pony open mike night...the ponies just looked at him in horror...some shuddered...some cradled in terror...but most just sobbed as the concept of 'existential angst' was introduced to Equestria...

...

"Wait, so all I have to do is tell you how much my human money is worth in Equestrian money and you'll give me it no questions asked?" Asked Grunkle Stan in disbelief. The bank teller smiled, "Yes siree! Here in Equestria we believe in the honor system!"

"Honnnnoooor?" Sounded out Stan confused, then shakes his head. "Aren't...you know...worried about embezzlement?" Now it was the tellers turn to look confused. "Emmmmbbbbeeeeezzzlllee? What's that?" He asks confused.

You could practically hear the dollar signs pop into Stan's eyes...

...

 **I'm patty cheese.**

 **He's patty cheese.**

 **And it's all good.**

 **It's all good.**

Sang the guy on the corner with his guitar while both pony and humans clapped along.

 **I'll pop a cap in your ass if your in my neighborhood.**

 **Nice neighborhood.**

The humans laughed while the scandalized ponies gasped, fainted, or covered the ears of their laughing kids.

...

Ponies screamed as the fragile peace of main street was broken by Groundskeeper Wille's drunken tractor driving..and singing:

 **I'm so drunk I can barely see!**

He sings while he runs over a fruit stand-

 **But it helps me get through another day!**

Ponies scream as he runs through an out-door restaurant.

 **My stomach is full of haggis and ham...I got to go puke in some hay!**

He promptly vomits onto a nearby pony nun...

...

Old Man Mcgucket groaned as he dragged himself out of bed...and in front of a mirror...he rubbed his wrinkles and looked up-

 **HAPPY MORNING!**

Shouts Pinkie Pie inside the mirror!

 **SMASH!**

A startled Stan promptly responds by punching her in the face-

...

But the first MAJOR incident wasn't until one fateful afternoon at Greasy's diner...where all the ponies- even Celestia -had gathered to enjoy the latest crazy new thing to come from humans. The diner was doing record business.

"Mrs. Susan, this meal is simply divine! And what a way to help soothe over the recent problems ponies have had adjusting to humans! My compliments!"

Lazy Susan smiled, "Thank you your highness. Eat as much as you want, royalty eat free!"

Celestia shook her head, "Oh, I wouldn't think of it! This is positively scrumptious!" She pulls out a sack of bits, "You must tell me how you make these- Sorry, what did you call them again?"

Lazy Susan smirked, "Their called hamburgers and their made of- And then a cow walked into the diner. "Moo-tilda! Good to see you my dear!" Shouted Celestia excited.

While the ruler of Equestria talked with the representative of Cow-rea, and introduced her to this wonderful new food...Susan stared in incomprehension...and then horror. The two brain cells left her head had finally clicked...and were telling her to RUN!

The more clever human customers, having come to the conclusion before her, were already slowly slinking away...

-Oh, I'm sorry Susan I got so side-tracked...you were saying about the burgers?" Asked Celestia. Susan was starting to sweat, "Uh...Diner closed! Uh...emergency renovation! Health inspector poisoning! NON-SPECIFIC EXCUSE!"

Celestia looked at her confused, "My Dear...are you alright?" She asked concerned while giving Moo-tilda her last burger and scarfed it happily before Susan could say anything-

 **GAH!**

Everyone turned to Twilight, who'd just spell on her half-eaten burger to find out that-

"COWS! BURGERS ARE COWS! BURGERS ARE COWS!"

 **CRASH!**

Everyone turned to see Susan jump through the window and run for it...naturally all the ponies began to panic, vomit and cry...Mootilda just fainted... Celestia could do nothing but slap face-hoof herself in disbelief...

...

After the Diner burnt down...a town meeting was called- "I WANT HER BEHIND BARS!" Shouted an irate Mootilda. There was many a murmur of agreement among the ponies...While the humans just sat in awkward silence..naturally Stan was the first to speak.

"I don't get why your making such a fuss here...we've seen you ponies eat PLENTY of burgers already." Murmurs of agreement and confusion come from the human side.

Twilight looked at them in disbelief, "Are you talking about our HAYburgers? Those are made of hay! Not meat!" She exclaims angrily. Stan looks at her weirdly, "Really? You eat hay between two slices of bread? What's the point of that?"

"I don't know, what's the point of MURDERING MY FELLOW COWS, SLICING UP THEIR CARCASSES, AND PUTTING **THEM** BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!?" Retorted Mootilda angrily.

Stan shrugged obliviously, "Because it's delici- "OKAY GRUNKLE STAN! I THINK YOU'VE SAID ENOUGH!" Shouted Mable as she tackles him. Dipper- still cursing that Susan did this while he was busy exploring the forest- immediately steps up, "Look, I get that this was a disaster...but don't you have meat eaters here already? Like Griffons and such? Even Fluttershy has to kill little animals to feed her meat-eater pets."

Rainbow Dash snorted as she flew up, "Uh, yeah. I know what a meat eater is. I was buds with a griffin and all. But when Gilda got her meat on, it wasn't in front of me, and it was obvious what it was, was in the bags and boxes she told me not to open. She didn't slap a hunk of it between two buns and hide it with pony food to trick me into eating it." She pointed out.

"Dipper perhaps you don't get the situation... we were feed COWS! I ATE A COW! YOUR EATING COWS!" Shouts Twilight in grossed out horror. Dipper sighed, "Twilight. Under normal circumstances Susan wouldn't have given you the food if you were like earth ponies. But your not. Earth ponies couldn't and wouldn't eat a lot of the things I've seen you guys eat. Like cake and bread. It makes them sick." Points over to Pinkie, who wolfs down a massive cake in one bite, then takes a tiny bite out of a cupcake and appears to savor it.

"What are you talking about? Earth ponies can stomach that stuff just fine!" Exclaims Applejack in a huff. "What? No, not EARTH ponies, I mean ponies FROM earth!" Everyone just looks at him confused.

Dipper sighed...then gets an idea. "Okay...Maybe it would clear things up if you saw an actual cow from earth. Would it be alright if we brought one here?" He asks Celestia who's presiding over the meeting. Curious to see where this was going... "I'll allow it." She stated.

Dipper turns to Sprott, "Hey Sprott...bring Octavia here would you?"

Moo-tilda nodded, "Yes bring a fellow cow here so I can liberate her from your oppression-

...

"KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!" Screamed Moo-tilda, the ponies also screamed in terror as Sprott brought in the 8-legged terror...

Needless to say...it was quickly decided that all earth cows were not sapient and therefore not protected by Equestria laws, and humans were allowed to eat them...provided they did so AWAY from ponies...

Celestia just looks at this whole thing and sighs "This was...unfortunate. But I would be deluding myself if I didn't think their would be difficulties at the start of our attempts to integrate. I can only hope that in the future everyone will be more cautious..."

"BOO! Hey, nice tattoos! OH! You must be Tambry's pony hating uncle Woodie!" Shouts Pinkie in the back of the hall to the startled and burly sailor man-

 **POW!**

 **OW!**

"Well, good meeting everyone! Look at the time I'm bushed! Let's head home everyone!" Shouts Stan urgently, taking their que the humans- minus Dipper who of course stayed behind to consul a sobbing Pinkie - ran out of their like the devil himself was chasing them...while the baffled- and kinda irritated - ponies just watched...

Celestia just rubbed her aching head with her hooves. "Three days down...the rest of our lives to go...Riiight..." At that moment a light tremor nearly caused her teapot to fall of the stand...Celestia frowns at this...and looks toward the direction of the forest...concern filling her face...

...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: the first song is 'gangsta folk' by bob and tom. The second is from Simpsons.  
**

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	10. Chapter 10

**Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 10  
**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

 **AN: This chapter was collaborated by wolvenstrom and** **nightmaster000**

...

"So, Mr. Northwest is going to make a big announcement today? What about?" Asked Twilight as she and Celestia walked to the library.

"Mr. Northwest says it's a surprise, both an opportunity for all Equestria and a way to bridge our two communities...I hope he's right." She said a touch worried. Twilight put a comforting hoof on her back, "Princess Celestia...I know that integrating with human culture has been...a challenge." She said carefully. "But I REALLY think things will come around soon!" They turned the corner just a certain groundskeeper got onto a podium.

" **IF ELECTED MAYOR, MY FIRST ACT IS TO KILL THE WHOLE LOT OF YOU AND BURN THIS TOWN TO CINDERS!"** "Mic's on." Whispered a fearful pony nearby, "I KNOW IT'S ON!" Shouted Willie as everypony looks at him in disbelieving horror.

"...of course I could be wrong." Said Twilight...Twilight began to think on this..usually problems seemed to go away quickly...but this...this didn't...was it just because it was a human thing? If so...why? How?

Then an idea occurred to her, she turned to her mentor; "Celestia, with your permission. I'd like to supplement my study on friendship with a study on human/pony relationships...maybe I can get to the heart of our difficulties and fix it!"

Despite the situation, Celestia couldn't help but smile at the eagerness of her student. "You may do so, my student." Twilight did a happy trot, "I'll go get my quill and parchment!"

She ran into her library home...and gaped. "Princess Celestia! Princess Celestia! Those two human teens are killing each other!" She shouted concerned. Celestia runs in with equal concern, then goes bright red. "Uh...no their not." She quickly covers Twilight's eyes with her wing. An angry glare and some magic were more then enough to send the teens running out of the library.

"Princess...what was all that?" She asked confused. Celestia began to feel uncomfortable. "Twilight. You do know what the...birds and the bees are right?" She asked delicately...her face very red.

Twilight looks at her confused for a second...then she too goes red as she understands. "O-Of course Princess. I'm well aware of the act of mammalian reproduction...I guess I never thought they'd do...'that' in anywhere but a marriage bed."

Like most mares her age in Equestria- if they EVER bothered to learn about it -...Twilight had a very clean and cut view on 'relations'. Like not before marriage, in a bed with the lights off and only for the purpose of reproduction sort of view...something that was quickly clear to Celestia.

Before she could say more, she saw the clock: "Oh, no! The announcement will happen soon! Twilight, will talk about this later! Go gather your friends!" Twilight shook off her awkwardness and ran to it...

...

After much work Dipper is able to build a rotating spit machine; "There now you guys will be able to make Baumkuchen." He said to Pinkie and the cakes.

Mrs. Cake chuckles, "Wow, you humans really like to...over-engineer...I don't think any pony has ever even thought up the concept of a...what did you call it? A spit cake? ...we usually just make simple cakes."

Dipper smiles, "If you like this, wait till I show you how to make Madeira cake...

Pinkie Pie jumped up and down excitedly, "YAY! More cake! Thanks Dipper! This is just what I need right now to get my mind off the mace stinging my eyes!"

Dipper winched, Pinkie had once again tried to surprise a human 'pinkie style'...and was rewarded with a face full of mace...again.

"Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about that Pinkie-

Suddenly Twilight ran into Sugarcube Corner, "Hey guys! Hurry up! Mr Northwests big announcement is about to begin!" Dipper rolled his eyes...but obliged. He didn't know much about Northwest...save for the unflattering things that his uncle said about him.

But really, as long as he kept any of the consequences of his actions away from the ponies(especially HIS pony friends)...Dipper couldn't find himself caring one way or another...

As Twilight, Pinkie and the others walked down the street, Twilight turned to Dipper. "So Dipper...how's your new job going?"

Dipper groaned, "Remind me again why I agreed to that?" Indeed, Somehow( Stan was probably involved as he'd been raking in a lot of dough from this) Dipper had been made the unofficial 'go-to guy' for magic and pony/human relations...it was exhausting...

...

 _"No, although friendship/love magic is the vast majority here. Dark magic still exists, but NO I'm not telling you how to learn it until you at least show me some ID." "Whatever." Said the goth dismissively..._

...

 _"(sigh) Look, I REALLY think your overthinking this. You want to use magic to substitute labor? Fine, but you don't need to learn how to give your suppliers wings! Just find a 'bag of holding', that'll cut costs in storage, AND labor!"_

 _"Boring! And what do you know about anything, your a kid!" Snaps a woman in blue. Dipper slapped his forehead. "If you didn't think much of me...WHY did you pay for the hour to hear my advice?!" He snapped..._

...

 _"Look...their not sapient...if it helps...try to think of them as a...distant, mentally-handicapped third-cousin or something." Explains Dipper to some concerned earth ponies._

 _..._

 _"For the hundredth time:_ _Only Pinkie Pie gives out pony rides, and that's only to adorable little colts and fillie humans! NOW GET OFF HER!" "AWWWWW." Groaned Manly Dan as he gets off a squished Fluttershy...while Wendy apologizes profusely...  
_

...

 _"Would you PLEASE tell your sister to stop licking our necks?" Asked a weirded out Unicorn. Dipper just put his face in his head and groaned..._

...

Twilight winched in sympathy..."How about I give you a hoof?" She asked sportively. Dipper smiled. Pinkie hopped beside them, "Y3ah D1pp3r! Y0u kn0w y0u can c0un7 0n u5!" Said Pinkie in amateur fleet.

Dipper shook his head, "Reeeaaallly regretting introducing you to videogames now...even more so then I did before..."

"Hey don't badmouth our queen!" Dipper and the rest of the main-5 turned around and saw what seemed to be the entirety of the Gravity Falls gamer community following Pinkie's every move with reverence.

Dipper looked at them all in disbelief, "Geez. What did she do to make you guys act like this?"

"She completed Dark Souls without dying." Explained one of the gamers simply. "Which one?" Asked Dipper impressed. "All of them!" "Consecutively." finished another gamer.

"I can't feel my eyes. But it was super fun!"Shouted an excited Pinkie. "Pinkie. I think you've had to much candy." Said Dipper concerned.

Applejack snorted, "Which is funny, cause the folks of Ponyville use Pinkie as one of them expletive's in this particular scenario." They looked at Applejack amazed, who gets a little annoyed. "What? Ah can't know what the word 'expletive' means and use it in a sentence? There's more in ma head than apples y'know."

And that's where they reached this big stage that Preston had had built just for the occasion...Celestia and Luna, Filthy Rich, and various other important business ponies were standing with Preston: "Good Mare's and Gentlecolts of Ponyville! On behalf of my fellow humans, I thank you all for your wondrous hospitality!"

There was a smattering of applause...needles to say...feeling about the humans...let's just say they were 'mixed'.

Preston chuckled, "Yeah...we are quite the handful aren't we? I know we haven't been the most...courteous of guests...and for that I apologize."

"Awwww, that's so sweet of him!" Says Twilight happily, along with all the other ponies. "He is so full of it." Said Dipper flatly. "Wait, what?" Asked a confused Twilight.

Preston just smirks, "Let me make it up to you...by providing you with the one thing that your marvelous world doesn't seem to have...HUMAN INNOVATION!"

The curtains pull away to reveal a car...Ponies looked at it horrified...those had caused some serious problems on their roadways..their carriages were just too slow to handle them! "And worse- You burn 'WHAT' to power your 'cars'?!" Becomes a rally cry for many a pony...when their not chocking on exhaust.

To everyone's surprise, Filthy Rich stood up. "Remain calm everypony! Mr. Northwest has partnered with me and other's not only for our investments but also for our input! No longer will cars belch noxious gas...rather they will belch the future! Good ponies of Ponyville I give you the electric car! All the speed of a human car, with all the pony concern for the environment!"

Now THIS peaked everypony's interest, really they'd been amazed by the cars design and speed...only the 'carbon footprint' issue had made them hate it...

While everyone got excited as Preston explained how every family in ponyville would get a free car as both a gift and a test to show the rest of Equestria what their missing...

At the back of the crowd, two taxi pulling Stallions named the luddite brothers were talking about all this... "I don't like it Mac..what if these mechanical 'muscles' drive us out of business?" "Bro you worry too much...seems to me this will make our lives easier. Less pulling a plow, less traffic, less long hours into the night. I can just see us getting some new cushy city jobs. Which will be in abundance with more pony's moving into the cities...even if this 'car' trend takes off it will provide with more jobs then you can imagine!"

Twilight smiled as she overheard this good-old Ponyville optimism, "Yeeeaaah...that's not going to happen." Whispered Dipper to Twilight having overheard as well. Once again, this jarring cynicism that Twilight was still very much unused to made her step back in surprise and look at her friend confused...

And that wasn't the end of it! Preston also gave out free laptops...and free cellphones! All of them remade to work with hands AND Hooves!

"Wait, you had a whole conglomeration of RD people and multiple facilities capable of allowing them to mass-produce their altered products on a cost-effective scale all within the confines of Gravity Falls before it was ripped off earth?" Exclaimed Stan in disbelief

Preston shrugged, "Among other things...what you don't?" He said with a touch of smugness.

While this went on...the Alicorn sisters watched the whole thing with differing opinions. Celestia was very apprehensive, she'd lived along time and seen a lot of change(or change by Equestria standards anyway). But this...this was a HUGE leap! This was WAY outside of her comfort zone..but worse, she had NO idea how this new technology would affect the rest of Equestria! Sadly, she had no real cause to stop this...these techs are part of the people of gravity falls every day lives so she has no right to demand they scale back to Victorian times...besides how do you turn down numerous, expensive free gifts that seemed to be giving people much joy without appearing a jerk?

Her sister Luna was of a different opinion; after barely being able to catch up with all the other changes that had happened since her banishment...well, what was one more? She was actually very enthusiastic on what humanity had to offer.

On top of everything Preston explains that he also had a copy of the internet nexus- "Oh, come on!" Shouts Stan annoyed. -as well as all the labs and equipment needed to build internet backbones and servers as well as special recorders that routinely copied/updated crucial parts/websites of the internet built into gravity falls years ago...

"Why?" Asked Filthy Rich.

"Why not?" Responded Preston. Filthy Rich and his fellow business ponies gave each other concerned looks...true they were prone to their occasional quirk, eccentricities, and odd Hobby...but this took the term 'needless indulgent' to the next level!

Still, this 'needless indulgent seems to have worked out well for him...and just as important, if not more so...it was about to work well for THEM. And so like many titans of industry grasping at the 'magic' of 'more money' before them..they silently decided to keep their peace and shrug off this irregularity.

In any case, Preston gave Celestia the honor of turning the internet on.

He posses in front of the many cameras shaking her hoof as she presses, the button is pressed...and suddenly everyone laptops and phones start to be fileld with new information...

"Here's a headline for you boys! Noble princess works together with Humanity to bring Equestria into the 21st century!" Shouts Preston. "Um, actually. The current century is- But Celestia is interrupted by the excited reporters lapping up the line-

 **HELP! GET HER AWAY FROM US! HELP!**

Also that-

Everyone groaned at the now familiar sight of Mable chasing the Cutie mark Crusaders. Mable felt terrible about setting them on fire when they first arrived and tried to apologize...by giving them ANOTHER HUG. Naturally the traumatized Crusaders were having none of it...

Dipper sighed, "Annnnnnd here comes Ponyville security...again." He sighed as he went off to keep her sister from being arrested...yet again.

"Well, that happened...okay time for the feast! Come Pacifica!" "On my way father!" Shouts Pacifica as she briefly stops petting a content looking Diamond Tiara to pick her up and continue to cuddle with her as they head out...While sending a gloating grin toward Mable.

"GRRRRRRRR! I WANT TO HUG CUTE LITTLE FILLIES TOO!" Shouts Mable as she goes even more beserk...

Celstia tried to calm herself with a drink of Cider...only for the ground to rumble slightly beneath her...she looked to luna...she'd felt it too...as one they looked to the forest...

But while these little Drama's were being played out...word was spreading about the 'fancy doo-hickies' in Ponyville...and creatures from all over were placing their orders...and slowly but surely...Equestria changed...

...

 **You know I'm not one, to break promises**  
 **I don't want to hurt you but I need to breathe**  
 **At the end of it all you're still my best friend**  
 **But there's something inside that I need to release**  
 **Which way is right?  
Which way is wrong?**  
 **How do I say that I need to move on?**  
 **You know we're heading separate ways**

Button laughed as he worked the joystick to blow up another cruiser, "I can't believe I'm in a deathmatch with dozens of people on the other side of Equestria! And I haven't even left Ponyville! This is awesome!" He said just as 'CakefriendPink.P.35' wiped out him and everyone else...

 **And it feels like I am just too close to love you**  
 **There's nothing I can really say**  
 **I can't lie no more  
I can't hide no more**  
 **Got to be true to myself  
And it feels like I am just too close to love you**  
 **So I'll be on my way**

"WHO'S BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO GET A DRIVING CUTIEMARK!?" Shouted a panicky Applebloom as they ran over another pedestrian...plus 40 others. "NOBODY! WERE NOT DRIVING FOR MARKS! WERE DRIVING TO GET AWAY FROM MABLE!" Shouted Scotaloo, "SHUT UP AND DRIVE! SHE'S GAINING!" Shouted SweetieBell, "LOVE ME!" Screamed Mable as she drove after them...and through a house...plus seventy...

 **You've given me more, than I can return  
Yet there's oh so much that you deserve**  
 **Nothing to say  
Nothing to do  
I've nothing to give  
I must live without you  
You know we're heading separate ways**

"DEMON BEGONE!" Shouted Clyde Pie as he sprayed holy water over the cellphone. Maud Pie just shook her head at this as she created I Love rocks-com on her laptop...and was shocked to see she got dozens of followers...

 **And it feels like I am just too close to love you**  
 **There's nothing I can really say**  
 **I can't lie no more**  
 **I can't hide no more**

"Fluttershy? Are you alright? We haven't seen you in days!" Shouted Rarity as she knocked on her door...Fluttershy wasn't listening...she was lost in the void of Cat videos...

 **Got to be true to myself**  
 **And it feels like I am just too close to love you**  
 **So I'll be on my way**  
 **So I'll be on my way**

"Why are their so many pictures of girls on here?" Asks Rainbow Dash as she squints at her laptop... "And where are their clothes? Do they finally want to awesome like a pony...like me?"

 **And it feels like I am just too close to love you**  
 **There's nothing I can really say**  
 **I can't lie no more**  
 **I can't hide no more**

"Huh...Fanfiction? I wonder what that's about?" asks Twilight during her categorization of all the new Human websites. "Oh, neat! humans and ponies are writing about my adventures with my friends and- WHAT ARE THEY MAKING ME DO TO CELESTIA!?" She shouted horrified.

 **Got to be true to myself**  
 **And it feels like I am just too close to love you**  
 **So I'll be on my way**  
 **So I'll be on my way...**

 **...**

And so the unseen 'great chain' of progress began to flow through Equestria...how do you like that?

...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: The song is 'Too close to love you' by 'Alex Clare'.**

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	11. Chapter 11

**Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 11**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

 **AN: This chapter was collaborated by wolvenstrom**

...

The screen boots up...and the music starts up...and animated ponies start to appear...

 **I don't mind a little**  
 **Cold weather, snow, or ice**

 **But when it becomes too intense**  
 **It isn't very nice**

 **At first the snow is beautiful:**  
 **It's fluffy white and rich**

 **But when I have somewhere to go**  
 **It's such a fucking bitch**

 **All I wanna do is trot**  
 **On over to the store**  
 **But now there's all this snow and ice**  
 **That wasn't there before**  
 **I cannot walk ten feet without**  
 **Falling on my ass**  
 **I must be honest and I'm sorry**  
 **If this is kind of crass**

 **Winter's fucked up**  
 **Winter's fucked up**

 **The snow is too fucking thick**

 **Winter's fucked up**  
 **Winter's fucked up**

 **No one enjoys being sick**  
 **Winter can suck my dick**

 **I don't understand why I**  
 **Must make the weather suck**  
 **Something to do with harmony?**  
 **Honestly I don't give a fuck**  
 **Flying is way better than**  
 **Walking on the ground**  
 **But when I fly I am**  
 **Repeatedly snow-bound**

Pegasus crashes into snowdrift-

 **(AH, FUCK!)**

 **Winter's fucked up**  
 **Winter's fucked up**

 **Thirty-eight degrees below zero**

 **Winter's fucked up**  
 **Winter's fucked up**

 **The sidewalk's always narrow**

 **Winter's fucked up**  
 **Winter's fucked up**

 **Outside keep your mouth closed**  
 **Cause winter fucking blows**

 **Now I have to wear, like, seven layers**  
 **Of clothing**  
 **These coats are collapsing my lungs**  
 **And yet I'm still singing**  
 **I can barely see anything**  
 **With all the wind and snow**  
 **I'm almost killed by falling icicles**  
 **Mother nature is a**

 **Homicidal ho (Bum bum bum)**

 **Winter's fucked up**  
 **Winter's fucked up**

 **I don't know why others like it**

 **Winter's fucked up**  
 **Winter's fucked up**

 **Holidays are a benefit**

 **Winter's fucked up**  
 **Winter's fucked up**

 **But once they're over it**  
 **Becomes a load of shit**

 **And sure fillies and colts might get**  
 **At least one snow day**  
 **But then thy have to make up**  
 **All their homework anyway**

 **And snowball fights are kind of fun**  
 **Unless you are a nerd**  
 **This song should apply to you even**  
 **If you haven't joined the heard**

 **Oh yeah!**

 **Winter's fucked up**  
 **Winter's fucked up**

 **The rooftops are caving in**

 **Winter's fucked up**  
 **Winter's fucked up**

 **Weather like this should be a sin**

 **Winter's fucked up**  
 **Winter's fucked up**

 **Can't wait for spring to begin**  
 **Frostbite fucked up my skin!**

 **The other seasons have problems:**  
 **Summer's hot as balls**  
 **But at least I can walk around**  
 **And not constantly fall**

 **Speaking of which, autumn is fine**  
 **Despite the leaves dying**  
 **And spring has rain but makes up for it**  
 **With rainbows, flowers**

 **And other gay stuuuff!**

 **Winter's fucked up**  
 **Winter's fucked up**

 **Can traffic please move faster?**

 **Winter's fucked up**  
 **Winter's fucked up**

 **Californians are lucky bastards**

 **Winter's fucked up**  
 **Winter's fucked up**

 **How long will this bitch last?**

 **I hope this shit melts fast**

 **Fuck winter in the aaaaass!**

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

For a long time...none of the main six said anything...they just stared at the computer screen where that very vulgar parody of their most cherished traditional 'winter wrap up' song just played on Barbtube(or to quote Soss; 'Boy, that's a stretch for a horse pun.') Indeed, there'd been a swarm of such things placed online after the Equestria internet was set up.

Finally... "What the BUCK did we just watch?" Shouted Twilight in disbelief. "I think they call it computer animation." Said Pinkie helpfully.

"Not that! Where do those humans get off desecrating one of our favorite songs?!" Shouts Applejack horrified. Rarity nodded, "That was absolutely vulgar! Why must humans be so profane?"

Rainbow Dash shrugged, "I like it." Everyone just stared at her in disbelief. But before anyone can shout a counter- "You gotta admit dudettes, the song has some points...I love winter...but she can be a cruel mistress at times. "Said Soos solemnly.

Twilight gives him a deadpan look, "Were all well aware of all the downsides of winter, thank you. That's why in Canterlot we used magic to wrap it up as quickly as possible."

Applejack grumbled something under her breath- Which Twilight heard, "Let it go Applejack...Dipper made some good points. The mayor agreed with him. YOU- reluctantly -agreed with him...they're getting rid of the 'no magic' rule come next winter wrap up- among other things, you just need to make your peace with that."

Applejack didn't trust herself to say anything she wouldn't regret...so she said nothing...

Rarity just clicks through some things on the computer, "I can't believe this...a proverbial infinite library of knowledge...and half of it is devoted to either mindless violence or mindless sex!...or writing about sex between all of us!"

Rainbow Dash shuddered, "Yeah, uh no offense. I love you girls and everything...but not like THAT."

Applejack frowned, "It's insulting!...I mean...just because we like to hang around each other a lot more so then guys...and our friendship is super close...what, that makes us lovers all of a sudden?!"

"Uh...I found some more humans making love on my property...I just don't get why though..." Admitted Fluttershy meekly. Applejack rolled her eyes, "I've chased teens off mah property 12 times this week alone! Honestly, why on earth are they so gosh darn obsessed with sex!? I just don't get it!"

Again, like most ponies in Equestria...the mane six would- in a timeline where Dipper never showed up -would probably never have shown the slightest bit of interest in sex. Indeed, most ponies- Happy and content with focusing on life and friendship -didn't learn about sex unless they took an optional sex-ed class during the last year of college...or (more likely) their wedding day from their elders...actually sometimes not even then! Sometimes they literally never learned about it at all until they wanted kids!(indeed, this was the majority of cases) ...they just weren't interested...

Needless to say...Equestria was getting a rude awakening...

Twilight frowns, "Hmmmm...it's probably time I REALLY kick my human/pony relationship studies up a notch."... So naturally they all went to find Dipper...

...

Dipper sighed as he brought a hamburger to his mouth- "Hey Dipper!" Dipper groans, "Yes Twilight?" He tries to ask politely to his friend as she and the others sit all around him.

Twilight smirked, "Well we were just wondering if you could explain-

"Right, let me stop you right there Twilight." Interrupted Dipper suddenly. "I'm all for helping you guys...but I just spent 6 hours trying to settle a dispute between the taxi pony union and Northwest industries car factory inc. Not only dose it look like it'll drag on for weeks! But I also had to skip breakfast! I'm tired, I'm hungry, I LITERALLY just sat down to eat...I don't think it's asking too much that I eat first before helping you!"

Twilight's eyes widened at this sudden exclamation, "Oh...okay. That's fair, go ahead and eat Dipper." Said a sightly disoriented Twilight.

Dipper thanks her and takes a bite...he eats it...chews it...savors the rich taste...then swallows...

He takes another bite...he eats it...chews it...savors the rich taste...then swallows...

He takes another bite...he eats it...chews it...savors the rich taste...then swallows...

He takes another bite...he eats it...chews it...savors the rich taste...then swallows...

He takes another bite...he eats it...chews it...savors the rich taste...then swallows...

He takes another bite...he eats it...chews it...savors the rich taste...then swallows...

He takes another bite...he eats it...chews it...savors the rich taste...then swallows...

e takes another bite...he eats it...chews it...savors the rich taste...then swall-

"GAH! HOW LONG DOSE IT TAKE YOU TO EAT A DUMB BURGER!?" Shouted an impatient Rainbow Dash.

Dipper angrily throws the burger away, "FINE! I'LL JUST STARVE! IS THAT ENOUGH EXCITEMENT FOR YOU?!" He snaps angrily.

Rainbow whimpered under the sheer intensity of his angry stare, Dipper quickly counted to three and took a deep breath; "I'm sorry Dash...that was mean...It's just been a rough Morning-

"No, it's my fault. I should'a just let you eat..." She quickly orders a couple more burgers for him.

Dipper sighed, "Well, long as were waiting, hit me. But we seriously need to do something about this arrangement...I can't just be the ONLY person who has to explain human things to ponies...it's exhausting!" He says flatly.

Twilight looks concerned, "Gee Dipper, I'm sorry...How about I assist you in your new role? That way there's less pressure on you AND I can learn more for my new report!"

"New report?" asks Dipper confused, and Twilight explains her latest project. Dipper chuckles..."Same old Twilight...well, I guess it can't hurt. Shoot."

Twilight nods, "Right let's keep things simple...I'm curious how your civilization built such technological marvels while ponies...haven't." Indeed, the few pony frolics in tech were only useful if powered by high-level unicorn magic(like DJ pon3 and her sound system).

Her fellow ponies gave her a weird look, _"That's simple?"_ In any case, Dipper didn't mind.

"Well I think it all comes down...to how ponies or humans get from point a to b." Explained Dipper. "Point a to b?" Asked Twilight confused. Dipper nodded as he drew it out on a piece of paper. "In this case 'A' being 'a crappy life' and 'B' being 'a utopia'. Humans we, spend our lives STRIVING to get from A to B. Because for the most part were at A. "

Twilight nods, "Makes sense...but where do ponies come into it?" Dipper writes more on the paper, "Well frankly...you may not be at B, but thanks to magic your way closer it then we are...which means...you don't really NEED to innovate."

"What do you mean?" Asked Twilight. Dipper wrote a checklist. "Right let's check off all the main reasons man strives to innovate to better themselves: to eat, to solve conflicts, to discover their purpose in life."

The ponies just watch as he goes through said checklist; "Right; first: Food. On earth, hundreds of thousands suffered from starvation every year-

"What!?" Shouted his pony friends. Dipper sighed, "Yeah, we had problems. Anyway, but you don't have that. Starvation is practically none-existent, between everyone sharing, being friendly to each other, and the earth ponies magic-

"Wait just a dog-gone minute!" Interrupted Applejack. "We don't got no fancy magic! Just gumption and grit!"

Dipper sighed, "Putting aside the fact you have the strength of ten grown men...Applejack, you can HEAR the plants. They tell you how to take care of them, when to water, when to fertilize, what soil is good, when to plant." Dipper had learned of this when he asked applejack how her small family was able to run such a large and healthy orchard...

Applejack shrugged, "That ain't nothing special, our connection to the earth is great. That's all." Dipper shook his head, "Applejack, entire CORPORATIONS pay billions of dollars just to get HALF the info in a year that you seem to get just by strolling through your orchard in ONE DAY."

Applejack looked at him stunned, "Really?...gosh...never seemed like that big of a deal before." Dipper nodded, "One man's trash is another's treasure."

"What?" Asked Twilight. "I'll explain that later, moving on- solve conflicts...you guys don't really have any-

"Wait, what about Nightmare Moon?" Asked Rarity. "Okay, she was an exception...but let me ask you this...in the thousand years in between her banishment and her return...did any actual conflict happen...or ANY noteworthy events of importance at all?"

Twilight opened her mouth..then closed it...she never realized it before...but Dipper was right. Dipper nods, "you have control of the weather; so no wild storms killing people. You have the wild animals- rare places like the Everfree being the obvious exception -practically domesticated, so no attacks there." He gestures to Fluttershy letting a bear nuzzle her and eat out of her hoof. "Your cutiemarks let people know what their good at, so unemployment and homelessness are practically none-existent... Dipper frowns, _"Although that might not be true much longer if all those taxi ponies get laid off..."_ He shakes that unhappy thought and resumes. "This also means there's not as big of a schism between the classes as there was back home, no organized crime. This coupled with the harmony and friendship magic abundant in your land-

"Wait, friendship and harmony magic?" Asked Twilight. "Yeah, the land is swimming with it...it doesn't brainwash or hypnotize you or anything like that...more like good feelings that make you feel good about yourself and others...haven't found the source yet...it's probably why everypony is so friendly and less likely to fight...unlike humans."

He looks over to two ponies eating cupcakes...until there's only one left. "Oh, no! Only one left!" Says one pony concerned, "Don't worry. I'm more then happy to share it with you my friend." Says the other pony as she cuts the cupcake in half. "YAAY!" Shouts the first pony as she claps her hooves together enthusiastically- "HEY! HANDS OFF MY CUPCAKE!" Both ponies look over in horror as two human 'friends' begin to punch each other over a cupcake...both ponies hurriedly leave the scene in discomfort... "Why won't they share?" Whispered the first pony in tearful horror.

"Uh...should we do something?" Asked Rainbow Dash. Dipper waved a hand dismissively, 'Just let it burn out on it's own, those morons aren't worth you getting hurt." He then continues. "Finally, purpose in life...again, cutie marks render that problem moot for ponies...unlike humans...the majority of us go our whole lives without knowing our true purpose."

Pinkie sniffed, "That's so sad..."

Dipper nodded, "Yeah, it can be...bottom line though: Most of our innovation comes through struggle to better and improve our lives...but you guys...your life is so okay that...you don't need to improve or progress. Why would you? Magic has literally gotten ride of most of your logistical/societal issues. no war, no strife, no disaster, a good leader who knows what she's doing-

"YES!" Shouted Twilight triumphantly, "I knew you'd warm up and forgive Celestia eventually!" "What? No, I haven't." Twilight's face fell, "But you just said-

"I acknowledged she was a good leader who had an impressive thousand year streak of peace before Nightmare moon...that's not the same thing as liking/forgiving her."

"It's not?" Asked Fluttershy confused...and she wasn't the only one. Dipper sighed as he saw how baffled his statements were making them. "Another thing were you ponies differ from humans that might be the cause for you lack of innovation..your kinda- I apologize in advance how mean this sounds - inflexible with your mindset."

"What do you mean?" Asked Twilight.

Dipper shrugged, "If something isn't one thing it MUST be the opposite. You ponies seem to deal in absolutism, black and white morality."

"What other morality is there?" Demanded Applejack. Dipper thought quickly, "Okay, Example...would you say stealing is wrong?"

"Of course." Stated Applejack confidently.

"Under any circumstances?"

"Yes."

"Not even for Applebloom?"

"What? Why would that-

"Applebloom is starving and she needs food, you have no money, would you steal to keep her alive?"

This completely threw applejack through a loop! "Uhhhh..." She thinks deeply...she was coming up blank!"

"GAH! THIS IS TOO CONFUSING!" Shouts Rainbow Dash annoyed...the rest of the mane six looked baffled as well. Dipper nodded, "You see? If you only think things can only go ONE way...it really limits your imagination on what you can/can't do. We humans are regular iconoclast's...but you ponies...your kinda more or less stuck on one track...you seem especially obsessed with tradition-

"HEY!" Shouts Applejack angrily, "Wait just an apple-picking minute! You might have had...SOME good points- "It was actually quite a lot." Says Twilight in a obligatory quiet fashion, which Applejack ignores -about that ONE tradition, that doesn't mean you can traipse over all of them!"

Dipper sighed, "Applejack, I'm not trying to attack traditions, some tradition can be very interesting, even downright fun! But only as long as they make sense and don't cause problems for anyone. Remember last week when I showed you how you were making your chores much longer and difficult then necessary?"

Applejack grumbled out a 'yes'...also 'thanks again for doing that'. Dipper then explains how humans were constantly challenging how the world worked...Fifteen hundred years ago they challenged the belief that earth was the center of the universe, then Five hundred years ago they challenged the belief that the earth is flat-

"Wait, why would they challenge it's flat? Equestria is flat, why not earth?" Asked Twilight confused. Dipper looked like he was about to retort...then he looked to be in deep thought..."Huh...actually considering how your sun and moon work...that might actually be the truth...in the meantime though read some of the Earth astronomy books I gave you." Said Dipper thoughtfully.

Twilight didn't know what to think of this as Dipper writes down a few more 'grey' scenarios(among other things) and gives them to her to study/mull over...she was interested in what he was saying...she really was...on the other hand there was a part of her that was GLAD Dipper took a break to eat his burgers...

...

"Did we lose her?" Asked a panting Scootalo as he picked weird giant slugs off her mane. Applebloom peeked through the bush they were hiding in to look for Mable. "I think so." Sweetiebelle rocked back and forth in fear, "Guys...WERE IN THE EVERFREE FOREST!"

The CMC looked around, Applebloom frowned. "Wait, no were not...I think this is the Gravity falls side of the forest." Said Applebloom as her earth pony senses resonated with the nearby flora.

"Oh, so were safe!" Shouted Sweetiebell happily. Which of course was the que of the Huddle to appear. The blob of inhuman muttering, melted flesh and multitudes of arms and legs it rolls down a rocky incline, flops down on a nearby hill...and just...sits there...bathing in the sun...it quirks itself slightly toward the CMC...as if somehow looking in their direction...but the CMC had already run away...

...

"Yeah...so I think I remember Dipper telling my sister about how the Gravity Falls forest...might actually be more dangerous then Everfree forest." Admitted Applebloom between pants. "Okay, next time; START WITH THAT FACT FIRST!" Shouts an irritated Sweetiebelle.

"What was that thing?" Asked Scootalo as they all began to crawl out from under the thing they'd been hiding under, "Don't know, don't care. Let's just get home and...what is THAT?!" Shouted Sweetiebelle suddenly.

The other CMC looked were she looked..and also gaped...the 'thing' they'd hide under...was...well they didn't know what it was! "Is...it a creature?" Asked Scoottalo baffled, "Applebloom jumped on top of it and tapped it. "No...it's made of metal."

"Applebloom, get down from there! Forget I said anything, it doesn't matter what it is. Let's just get out of here!" Exclaimed Sweetiebelle worried. Applebloom gives the strange 'thing' one last look, then shrugs and is about to jump off-

 **RUMBLE!**

Before a small tremor rocks the forest, causing Applebloom to fall- "APPLEBLOOM!" Shouts her friends concerned, on her way down a panicky Applebloom flailed about mid-air-

 **CRACK!**

Breaking a weird component of the thing-

 **ZAP!**

Apparently causing it to activate and hit a nearby tree with a green ray...said tree started to wilt...while the 'thing' started to move.

Applebloom groaned, it was a rough landing but she'd had worse...and then she saw it...one by one..similar components on the 'thing' began to appear all over it...slowly sucking the nearby forest of it's life..and revitalizing itself...even fixing itself!

Without the moss and rocks covering most of it...and a lot of it's damage corrected...it's full appearance could now be seen by ALL. It was vaguely akin to that of a large, black scorpion. The lower chassis consists of four arachnid legs attached to a central hub. Atop the hub sits the upper chassis whose shape gives the distinct appearance of a head and snout. A single visual sensor is on the tip of the "snout." At the back of the upper chassis are a grenade launcher and a spike launcher. Attached to the back of the upper chassis is a long, prehensile appendage.

 **Corruptor unit** ** **FAS-ACA3 back online and nearing 100% operational efficiency!  
****

Shouted the 'thing' in a loud, booming and creepily inhuman voice! "Uh...hello?" Asked Applebloom in a mixture of curiosity and terror...the 'thing' turned to the source of the sound...a small red wave came out of it's central 'eye' and scanned the three cowering fillies-

 **Inhuman lifeforms detected...must terminate!**

...

"Plan more parties!" Answered Pinkie Pie happily. "Continue working on my families farm!" Stated Applejack proudly. "Um...nurture animals...if that's okay with you?" Asked Fluttershy shyly. "Well...I guess continue being Celestia's student and learning about friendship?" Stated Twilight with a surprising(both to Dipper AND herself) touch of uncertainty. "Leader of the Wonderbolts!" Shouts Dash confidently. "Why, opening boutiques across Equestria of course darling!" Exclaims Rarity happily.

Dipper smiles at the last two, "Good for you! I wish you two the best of luck!" He then turns to the rest, "But in all seriousness...I've talked to just about everypony in town...and aside from Dr. Hooves, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash...everypony's answer to the question 'where do I see myself 5 years from now' all basically boils down to 'still in Ponyville doing the same thing I've always done."

"Now what in tarnation is wrong with that?" Demanded Applejack. Dipper slapped his forehead. "Nothing inherently, I wish you wouldn't keep getting so defensive about all this Applejack. Remember, you all came to ME for honest opinions on why humans have innovated more then ponies. What, would you rather I lie just to make you happy?"

Applejack sighed, "no." She conceded reluctantly.

Quickly, Twilight jumped in before the conversation could derail again. "Uh, Dipper. Did you have a point with that question?" "Wha, right sorry. So my point is-

They were interrupted by the familiar sound of the CMC screaming and running. The main 6 and Dipper groaned collectively, "That's it! I'm chaining Mable to the floor until she calms down!" Shouted Dipper annoyed.

"What did I do?" Asked Mable while she was in line for snacks...in the opposite direction of the screams. Without a word, Dipper and the mane six jumped into action and ran toward the source of the screams.

"HELP! SOMEONE! MONSTER!" Screamed the frightened Fillies as they ran from the forest...followed by the-

"CORRUPTER!?" How'd that get here!?" Demanded Dipper horrified. "You know what that is?" Asked a horrified Twilight. Dipper groaned, but quickly composed himself as he quickly recalled all he knew about this topic "Corrupters are- WERE machines built by humans as all-terrain reconnaissance units of their respective "swarm," capable of rapidly scuttling over any terrain, jumping over obstacles, consume biomass as fuel, had the unique ability to instantly enslave enemy machines, turning them against their masters. They can even perform repairs on themselves and other robots."

"Robot?" Asked Twilight confused.

"Consume biomass?" Asked Rarity.

"Jumping over obstacles?!" Shouted Pinkie excited.

Suddenly, the Corrupter scanned all of Ponyville-

 **Inhuman lifeforms detected...must terminate!**

"WHAT!?" Shouted all the ponies as it began to scuttle to the city, Dipper meanwhile...observed the corrupter... _"The angles are all wrong...and it's much bigger...where have I- YES!"_

"Guys! I have an idea! If I'm right, this is an older model! Buy me enough time and I SHOULD be able to stop it!" He quickly runs off.

The mane six nod and attack the corrupter, applejack tries to buck it, but it just jumps into the air and nearly crushes her, she dodges, but turns out this is what the Corrupter wanted!

 **SPROING!**

"GAH!" Cried Applejack in pain as several robotic darts hit her...and make her woozy. Rarity tries to hold it in a bubble of magic, but it just jumps out before she finishes covering the top-

 **ANOMALY detected...analyzing...**

TAKE THIS SUCKER!" Shouts rainbow Dash as she smashes into it at super fast speed, breaking off one of it's legs, "HA! GOTCHA!" Shouts Rainbow Dash

 **ZAP!**

 **CLANK!**

Everypony paled as the corrupter simply picked up the leg, zapped a nearby tree dry of life, and attached it back to it's body-

 **85% operational efficiency...91%...97...100% efficiency reached!**

It bellowed as it's leg stopped glowing and sparking...and continued on like nothing happened. "OH, come on!" Shouted Rainbow. Twilight and Rarity jumped into action, once more trying to make a bubble around to trap it-

Unfortunately for them, the Corrupter had used the data from the last time to analyze his opponents...saw the micro-expressions that indicated deep concentration and processed the ideal response to modify it's vocal box-

 **REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**

Rarity and Twilight covered their ears as their spell fell apart since they couldn't concentrate, The corrupter immediately shot at them both with it's darts, Rarity was hit and lost a good deal of her equilibrium, but Twilight was fast enough to jump away.

"THIS TIME I'LL RIP OUT YOUR EYE!" Shouts Rainbow as she once more plans to super buck it from the skies, the Corrupter's audio receptors pick up her voice and triangulate her position, and within nano-seconds processes the data it had collected to calculate her trajectory, speed, velocity, density, even her bone structure. And just as she got within range-

 **CRACK!**

 **GAH!**

Cried out Rainbow Dash as the corrupter suddenly turned it's body 180 degrees and slammed it's retractable tail into her, more importantly it had calculated how to hit her in just the right way to dislocate one of her wings. She quickly crashes to the ground, crying out in agony.

Fluttershy quickly grabbed her friend and took her to safety, Twilight watched this in panic. She tried to cast another spell, but everytime she did, the corrupter just screamed again! She just couldn't concentrate long enough to form the spell!

"PARTY CANNON!" Shouts Pinkie as she suddenly appeared with her party cannon and shot several dozen cupcakes at the corrupter...who just runs through it undamaged without even slowing down and smashes pinkie's cannon and slams her across Ponyville with it's tail. "'REEEEEALITY ENSSSSUES' SUUUCKS!" Shouts Pinkie as she hits a building and falls unconscious

"PINKIE!" Shouts Twilight just one of the darts hit her...making her feel woozy... She looked up just in time to see the Corrupter raise it's foot to crush her- She teared up as she braced for the end.

 **OVERRIDE CODE ACCEPTED! GOING INTO SLEEP MODE!**

Twilight let out a sigh of relief as the Corrupter shuts down...before collapsing into an exhausted, sleepy heap.

...

"Twilight!" Shouts the CMC, "Relax, the nano-virus embedded in those spikes are meant mainly to hijack enemy machines, organics only get sleepy as an unexpected side-effect." Reassured Dipper as he continues to fiddle away with his laptop.

Dipper let out a sigh of relief, "I'm really glad about my hunch being right. This was an older model, Waaaay before that moron Cave Johnson upgraded them with Polyphasic Waveform Encryption. According to what you told me about how you found it, it must've lost control of it's guidance system and went off course to crash land in Gravity Falls years ago...and since it was in the boundaries of gravity Falls my spell brought it with us-"

"I have NO idea what your talking about", confessed Scootalo confused. Dipper sighed, "Fair enough, I- He stops mid-sentence as he turns to look at Scootalo. "It can't be..." He says in disbelief as he plucks out the large slug that was caught in Scootalo's wing.

"Ewww! Dang it! I thought I got ride of all them!" Shouts Scootalo disgusted. Dipper wasn't listening, he was looking down on the giant, FAMILIAR brownish-black color, with reddish-orange luminescent spots on it's exterior sea slug...something he'd only seen in scientific articles, film reels and reward posters.

"Scootalo...well, we need to make sure are friends are okay...but afterwards it's VERY important you tell me where you found this, okay?" Explained Dipper as he put the 'Luminescense Rapturus' into a specimen jar...of course Dipper only had enough time to label it with the more common moniker... **ADAM slug...**

...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: The song is 'Winters F**ked up' by 'AnimatedJames'.**

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	12. Chapter 12

****Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 12****

 **I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!**

...

 **AN: This chapter was greatly helped by Wolvenstrom's efforts, thanks buddy!**

...

Twilight tossed and turned in her bed...as thought about the revelations that had come of today, the CMC had lead Dipper and the mane Six(after they'd recovered) to the place where they'd found those odd slugs...through the Gravity Falls forest...

...

 _"Wait!" Shouted Dipper as he held the CMC back, "Something doesn't feel right." He pulls a chicken leg out of his 'bait' stash and throws it into a shaded area in front of them...the bone was stripped clean before it hit the ground..._

 _While the ponies stared at this in horror...Dipper was casually reading through the Journal to find out what they were dealing with. Twilight was the first to regain her composure and help him search...she paled as she saw the answer._

 _"What's wrong Twilight? What is it?" Asked Applebloom. Twilight tried to put a reassuring smile on her face, "Oh, nothing to worry about-_

 _"Vashta Nerada; basically imagine invisible swarms of shadow-based insect-like life-forms, that can strip you to the bone under five seconds." Interrupted Dipper.  
_

 _The CMC looked like they were about to wet themselves, while the mane six looked annoyed at Dipper. "Don't worry, according to this...apparently their no threat in small groups...he's marked the places where they congregate during the day...as long as we stay away from the places on this map and NOT come here during the night, no worries."_

 _The slightly(but only slightly) relieved CMC continued on. Twilight looked over to Dipper and opened her mouth to protest- "Look I get your annoyed by how I handled that, but i refuse to BS kids about important things like most adults do. I vowed I would never do that, judge me if you must. But no child will EVER have to learn about sex from a hobo and three paperclips instead of from my own mouth." he vowed passionately._

 _The main six looked at him confused, "Hobos and paper- What in Equestria are you- "Long story, don't want to talk about it, not important anyway and we need to get moving unless you want to stay here after dark..."_

 _The main six paled as they looked toward the supposed resting spot of the Vashta Nerada...and quickly ran after Dipper.  
_

...

After a few more brushes with the 'oddities' of gravity Falls forest- By Celestia, how could such creatures exist!? Give her hydras and Timber wolves ANY day!...still...they found IT.

...

 _"My word, how revolting!"_ _Shouted Rarity disgusted. Dipper just smirked as he used tongs to pick several slugs up from the bubbling waters of a crevice in the ground, "They may not look like much...but these suckers are worth more then all the jewels in your shop..."_

...

And so Dipper explained to them about Plasmids...about DNA...and genetic engineering...Twilight's head spun at these concepts...Pony's had never really explored deeper then organ level before...they'd never needed to...between their magic allowing them to cure most ailments(save for hundreds of rare magical afflictions that you could only get from certain places- like Everfree -curses, or bad luck) and ponies dislike of blood and guts...the idea that their bodies could be made of something SMALLER, more complex, more ... **Malleable**...had never occurred or indeed even been explored at ALL...

Oh, and their was also that unpleasantness that occurred as they were heading home...

...

 _"One...two...three?" Asked a startled Fluttershy, sure enough. The fish had three eyes...the Mane six looked up river...and saw that this part of the Everfree forest seemed fairly sickly...and the water...nasty...and the toxicity seemed to be coming from a pipe...coming right from the Northwest mudflap factory..._

...

That was horrifying...but Twilight wasn't too worried about that...she'd already sent a message to Celestia about it and she'd responded that she'd take care of it...no...what WAS on her mind..was Dipper finally explaining the end result of his 'where do you see yourself 5 years from now' question...

...

 _Basically...Dipper theorized that most ponies didn't have much in the way of ambition...or drive. Once they were happy...that was it, they'd never want anything else._

 _Dipper told of an ancient myth...of how humanity had a hole in their heart that nothing- be it riches, power, knowledge, woman, food -could fill. He didn't know if there was any truth to it...but it described humanity nicely._

 _"Not even friendship or love could fill it?" Asked Twilight a bit hurt. Dipper shrugged, "Who knows? Honestly, going by those impulses...or at least, taking them too far...has caused humans nothing but pain in suffering...maybe filling us up with friendship is just what the doctor ordered." He emphasizes this by giving Fluttershy a hug...who happily gives one back._

 _He then goes on how his point is that ponies seemed content with 'okay' or as humans say 'if it's not broke don't fix it'. But for humans...'okay' was never enough...they always wanted MORE._

 _"That...sounds kinda greedy...and selfish." Said Twilight in a cautious tone. Dipper shrugged, "It can be...but if you tame this impulse...don't hurt anyone and give the 'more' to others, to HELP others...would that be so bad?"_

 _"I...guess not?" Admitted Twilight finally. And thus the Mane Six learned of 'Enlightened Self-interest'.  
_

 _They talked about some other things...the plasmids, harvesting the slugs, Dipper giving Twilight books on genetics, talking about the Corrupter and artificial intelligence- believe it or not, Twilight could swallow this concept more then the genetics...really, it was just a non-magical golem...of course...no golem EVER had the intellect to calculate complex strategy in nano-seconds, repair itself, or MODIFY itself during combat...that was some next level stuff._

 _But Dipper had one more bombshell to drop... "One last thing to consider Twilight...can you tell me what Starswirl's law of elemental transfiguration states?"_

 _Twilight smiled, "Of course! No one can create something out of nothing!_ _ _You can Summon it if you know where it is, you can transform it, you can increase the quantity if you've already got some- but that's it!"  
__

 _ _Dipper noded, "Okay...final question...can you tell me WHY that's true?"__

 _ _Twilight opened her mouth smiling...then stopped...frowned...considered. "Uh...because Starswirl said so?" She replied weakly, it was a lame response and they both knew it.__

 _ _Dipper shook his head, "would you believe that's a typical Pony response?" Twilight could do nothing but nod...__

...

Finally, Twilight gave up her attempts to sleep...and filled out her first 'human/pony' relations report...among Dipper musings and he thoughts on said musings, she also reported about the 'corrupter' incident...as well as what a 'corrupter' was and also about plasmids...and their implications...

Finally...she ended with...

 _Dearest Princess Celestia...I must say I'm concerned...I've done research...and in the thousand years that Starswirl vanished...ponies have not made any BIG leaps in ANY fields of research...sure, we've rediscovered forgotten magic...and added small little tidbits bit by bit over the years to Starswirl's work...but nothing truly original or GRAND. We'd only recently built coal powered trains...something already obsolete in the humans world...a thousand years...and almost nothing to show for it..while humans...humans went from their first airplane to LANDING ON THE MOON in just under 70 years..._

 _..it's like..we've stagnated...I don't know what to think here...but more importantly...I don't mean to sound insulting, I love being your student, I love learning about friendship...but is this it? Is this all I'm going to do for the rest of my life? Until Dipper asked that fateful question...I was completely happy with how things were..but now...well now...What do I want? I...I Don't know...  
_

 _...please advise._

 _Sincerely, your devoted pupil Twilight._

Twilight yawned, woke up Spike Briefly to burn her letter away to Celestia...then after a while...FINALLY succumbed to sleep...

...

 _Twilight flew down from the sky on her Alicorn wings to her library home- "MOMMY!" Screamed two twin colt and fillies, she smiled down at them and nuzzled them affectionately...she then looks up lovingly to the front door to see her husband smile at her, lightly tipping his pine tree hat to-_

Twilight gasped as she woke up with a start, her heart racing. A contemplative look on her face. "Huh...Well...that's new." she stated in a flat, neutral 'matter-of-fact' way.

...

Celestia looked at Twilight's latest letter...conflicted...Twilight's theory of 'stagnation' raised many concerns(both toward the future of Equestria...and Celestia's own ability as a ruler)...but the implications of these 'AI' and genetics...were far more disconcerting.

Any problems with the AI seemed to be far off in the future(the most advanced human labs around were Preston's and even he had his limits...at least...she hoped he did...it was scary how much he had packed away into the small town on the most silliest of whims) so that wasn't too much of a worry(for now at least)...but thanks to these 'plasmids', genetic manipulation would soon be a reality NOW.

This was unsettling... oh sure. She could see the benefits; Twilight and other scholars and doctor ponies would be positively amazed at the concept. Being able to isolate diseases, problematic genomes, D.N.A evidence and positively finding family(the whole 'is Pinkie an Apple or not' might FINALLY be resolved). With research to create magic they might even be able to alter or even remove such strands far more easily then humans could do manually. Yes they can perform polymorphic magic, but now they can effect these changes on a far subtler level.

But there were dangers that concerned her, An earth pony for example can't just become a unicorn. There are temporary spells to change into non magic using species, but with this they might even be able to transplant, duplicate or alter a ponies genes to they could turn into a unicorn or use magic 'like' a unicorn would.

After all; If you suddenly had the option to be able to use magic or fly, why stay an earth pony? If your a frail little pegasus whose to weak to fly, why not trade in your wings for some powerful muscles? And what if they tried to become an alicorn?- true it be nice to have more like her around to weather the ages together...but this was too fast! Too soon! -Would they have traits of all three tribes but on a lesser scale? Would they feel incomplete if it's only cosmetic?

When people start messing with the fabric of their life on a whim...what if someone wanted to fly faster with bigger wings? Or had a beak for aerodynamics? Or scales so you didn't have to worry about washing cake out your fur (pinkie). Or bigger muscles to buck harder, or re-design your body like it was one of your dresses?

True, you can do all this with magic sure, but its temporary. Messing with your genes isn't like getting a haircut or using make-up...What if EVERY suddenly made themselves an alicorn? Had a level of power equal to her self and Luna? What if they decided since now they were all alicorns that 'they' could rule equestria? With her experience she could probably hold your own for a while. But could she fight everypony?

Celestia shook her head...there were just as many pros as there were cons in fairness...plus, since the slugs were discovered on Gravity falls forest, they and their distribution were legally in the hands of the people of Gravity Falls. Making things more problematic!

...Or it would if Dipper hadn't been the one to lay claim to it...even though Celestia still didn't feel comfortable around the only person in Equestria to hate her...she couldn't deny he had a good head on his shoulders.

EX: She'd been very worried when the mass-production of cars(which thanks to Preston's hiring of powerful unicorn mages, helped streamline the usual logistic problems. Thus making it cost-effective to sell cars at a low enough price so EVERYpony could buy one.) was spread to all across Equestria...but that had been mainly because she'd been apprehensive about all this new 'human tech'.

But even she couldn't have foreseen the fiasco that followed! Seemingly overnight, most of the Taxi Pony companies were downsized if not outright bankrupt! Hundreds of thousands of her little ponies were on the street and unemployed!

This was completely unprecedented! Equestria had never seen an unemployment rate this bad, ever! Things had gotten very tense between the taxi pony unions and the police...Celestia didn't even want to think of what could've happened if Dipper hadn't intervened- well, actually. With Twilight's letter putting things in perspective...Dipper had less 'intervened'...and more 'been forcibly shoved in front of the mess'...my word, Twilight was right. They HAD been overworking him, hadn't they?

In any case, Dipper was able to (mostly) fix everything. He'd pointed out the civil leaders and their followers that Cutie Marks can be pretty abstract. Rainbow dash's tells people she's fast, Fluttershy's tells others shes kind. Maybe the taxi ponies special talents could be applied to other jobs. Or maybe even the same job if they learn to drive. Schools were already popping up!

...

 **STAN PINES NON-HUMAN DRIVING ACADEMY. NO THUMBS? NO PROBLEM!**

"Uh, sir? Shouldn't this be attached to my seat?" Asked the pony as he held up what was 'suppose' to be his seat belt

"working seat belts cost extra! So do airbags!" Shouted Stan...

...

...Yeah, that had been a mistake on her part...

But also, Dipper had pointed out that their talents are in transportation. Not just taxi's but design, engineering. New tech could allows ponies to branch out their talents in ways they've never thought of before. Or maybe like any good cabby they could be good at conversation, creating new seemingly incomprehensible languages, and so on.

Ex: Applejacks mark appeared when she wanted to go home to her family. Not because she suddenly realized her expertise in apples after all. It tells your strengths, it's up to you to know how to apply it

"Your backside doesn't tell you who you are. 'You' tell you who you are." Dipper had stated firmly...which caused a bit if a stir...as after all, cutie marks are considered very highly among ponies.

Their were still some problems, some hiccups to look forward to in the future during the transition. Fortunately Preston had agreed to hire the majority of the now unemployed pony's as uber drivers, attendants to the now hundreds of electric pump stations around the country, or working at the car assembly line.

Speaking of Preston...she and Luna had arrived at the mudflap factory. Reports of contamination had reach all the way to Ponyville...which made this a potential international incident.

She sighed, there was still more of Twilight's report...but it looks like she'd have to read it later...

"Your majesty's! You honor us with this...surprise inspection." Said Preston trying VERY hard to hide how nervous he was. Indeed, had it not been for the still greenhorn contacts in the Equestrian government he'd been grooming, he wouldn't have know to be here to intercept them at all!

Celestia looked at his presence in surprise, but shook it off. "We've gotten reports of rampant pollution cause by your business here."

"What?! Why that's preposterous! This industry has practically been the lifeblood of the town for over a century! It hasn't harmed a fly!" Suddenly one of the nearby pipes belched out some smoke that killed a fly...and a bird...and the tree it was resting in.

Preston just chuckled nervously, "Why that's unseemly! I'll have that pipe fixed at once...but just an isolated incident I assure you."

The two princesses just looked at him skeptically... "We'll see." Says Celestia blankly. Luna then turns to various royal inspectors they'd brought with them, "Right, get your hazardous energy detecting prisms ready!"

The Inspectors and do so...and are shocked to find that it's already on HIGH! Alarms beeping like crazy!" They have to double check to make sure their still OUTSIDE the factory!

Preston began to sweat, "Um...normal healthy background emissions I assume?"

Luna just gaped at him, "What?! NO! I've seen less hazardous readings in dragon country volcano's!"

Preston gulped as they went in...

...

Celestia's eye's widened in disbelief, "Is that...chewing gum holding this pipe together?" "Why, I'm as shocked as you are!" Shouted Preston quickly.

...

"Why is hazardous waste being used as a paperweight?!" Demanded Luna. "Oh, now That shouldn't be!" Exclaimed Preston in his best shocked voice.

...

A drop from the pipes above melts through Celestia's list...they both glare at Preston. Preston's eye's dart back and forth nervously. "Um...it was like that when we bought the place! Hardly my fault if the last owner was negligent!" He defended.

Both Princesses just stare at him...

...

"Excuse me Mr. Preston I have an injury- "Oh, just take a salt-tablet! You'll be fine! Get back to work!" "Mr. Preston, there's a pipe lodged in his brain!" Shouted Celestia horrified.

Preston paled, and cursed himself for letting old habits of cruelty come out at the worst time!

"oh, uh...Oh my word! So he dose, sorry my boy! The steam in here must be irritating my eyes...of course, go to the hospital, I insist! It's on me!" He personally leads him away, and when he's sure the monarchs aren't looking-

"Dock the medial expenses from his wages..plus interest." He whispered to a nearby accountant, who nodded...

...

"Lethal poison means something entirely different in our world." Lied Preston skillfully

Luna points to the label again, with a smaller label reading beneath the big part of the label, which has the dictionary definition of both lethal and poison.

"...It's purpose is entirely benevolent." Said Preston quickly

She then Points to a third part of label stating 'for the spreading on all local, non northwest owned farmland in order to destroy local farming so that the boss 'Preston Northwest' can buy the land cheap and gain a monopoly over areas economy.'

Preston just stands their quietly "...lets finish this inspection in my office shall we?" he says finally.

Letting the princesses go on ahead, he glares at the factory supervisor. "Why on EARTH would you spell out my very ILLEGAL plans like that for all to see!?" He snarled at him baffled.

The man sighed, "Sir, what do you want from me? You told me only to hire druggies, drunks, hobos, drop-outs, legal immigrants, illegal immigrants, mentally-handicapped, ex-convicts, CURRENT convicts and anyone else we could get away with paying LESS then minimum wage! If we didn't spell it out like that for these morons...literally NOTHING would get done!"

Preston nods, "That's fair."

The supervisor smiles, "Really?"

Preston nods, "Yep, clean out your desk. Your fired, and expect a lawsuit of all the malpractice and negligence YOU'VE allowed here." He says dismissively as he walks away from the former stunned supervisor.

...

Celestia walked with Preston and Luna into the office. "Mr. Preston let me be blunt, in all my years I've never seen a more shoddy, deplorable, poorly put together, hazardous, dilapidated-

"Why look at that!" Interrupts Preston suddenly. "Some thoughtless person has left thousands of bits lying around! I'll just leave the room and wait to see if the money vanishes..." He then leaves the room.

The two sisters look at this scene confused...

"Why would a person leaving money around his office make it necessary for him to leave in the middle of a meeting?" Asked Luna finally.

"...maybe it's a human thing?" Asked Celestia confused.

Suddenly Preston returned...disappointed. "Oh...the money is still here."

"Of course the money is still here! Why wouldn't it?" Asked Celestia confused.

Preston looked at them equally baffled, "Well...I just figured...SOMEONE could take it...and make BOTH of our problems disappear." He explained carefully.

Luna looked at him confused, "If you could pay someone to fix your factory, why not do it BEFORE now?" She asked confused.

Preston looked at them even more confused...then a thought occurred to him...and then decided to roll the dice. "Tell me your majesties...if I were to tell you that I'm...'bribing' you, would you understand what I mean?"

Again, the sisters look at him baffled. "I...No..what is it?" Asked Luna confused

"Is this 'bribe'...human magic?" Asked Celestia suddenly

Preston, never one to look a gift horse in the mouth- pun intended -seized on this lifeline ...uh...yes! It's a 'kind' of human 'magic' that literally makes both your problems and mine VANISH into thin air."

Celestia: "Oh! Sounds exciting!" Exclaims Celestia enthralled, envisioning the factory magically being brought up to code.

"Very well...we'll accept the power of this...bribe." Stated an equally enthralled Luna.

Preston smiles at this good fortune, gives them the bits, has them sign some 'bribe release' forms, and like that, they were gone...

Preston lounged in his chair, and pushed the intercom button, "Charlotte...bring the good champagne, I feel like celebrating..."

...

"Try to think of it like this; humans are like a raging river...ponies seem more like a peaceful meadow." Explained Dipper. The Mane six were at the Mystery Shack. Were both humans and ponies came together...and got ripped off...

"Behold the legendary Satchcrotch!" Shouted Grunkle Stan as he amazed the humans...yet revolted the ponies...who for some reason STILL couldn't look away.

Applejack looked at all this suspiciously, "What exactly dose your uncle do-

 **WHAP!**

 **OW!**

 **WHY!?**

 **I am so sorry!**

The group turned to the now familiar sight of Pinkie sobbing before a human with a black-eye...Pinkie knew Dipper had explained to her that surprised humans were like Fluttershy...except instead of hiding..they just immediately gave her the STARE! Pinkie could understand it...but she refused to give up making people happy! ...no matter how much it hurt!

"I admire your determination", Whispered Dipper to the sobbing pink pony as he hugged her(who quickly hugs him back) and put ice on her black eye. Wendy both an employer of the Shack and the person who just punched the cute pink pony for sneaking up on her to give her treats...was guilt ridden, and apologizing profusely.

Twilight watched Dipper curiously...as if she was just seeing him for the first time ever...

After, Pinkie was calmed down and taken care of. They went back to their discussion...except Applejack who was busy talking up with Wendy. The two of them had become fast friends...despite the ROUGH beginning.

...

 _"What in tarnation are you doing to our orchard!?" Shouted an enraged Applejack to the entire Corduroy clan...who'd just destroyed fifty of her best trees. Wendy glared at her father, "That's IT! Dad, next time we ask for directions instead of relying on your 'manly survival skills'- y'know, like a sane person!" She snapped._

...

Things downward spiraled for awhile a bit when ponies learned of the concept of a 'lumberjack'...and were horrified by it. Turns out cutting down trees is illegal throughout Equestria. This...confused humans who pointed out things made of wood or firewood stores. It's then revealed that the wood used for all that were just clipping's from trees enchanted to be large!(it was the first thing unicorns are taught to do in schools)

Things looked like they could get nasty between ponies and the (surprisingly large) Lumberjack community in Gravity Falls; as they now only had the Gravity Falls forest as a source of legal lumber...and using only that would be just suicide. Wendy, worried of conflict. Went to Dipper for help.

Dipper was quick to come up with a rather daring proposal...turns out 'technically' the trees of Everfree are excluded from the 'tree protection law'- the reasoning being that, well, who'd be crazy enough to go there to chop wood in the first place? The Lumberjacks of Gravity Falls, that's who!

At first the ponies thought they were crazy and begged them to not throw their lives away...that is until the cockatrice, hydra, manticore and Timber wolf(especially the timber wolves...they make good kindling apparently), etc. population took a nose dive overnight. Many ponies began to look to the Lumberjacks in awe/terror...especially the Corduroy clan...but especially Wendy and Dipper. Applejack -having felt guilty forcing the 'tree protection' issue- had run into the Everfree forest to save everyone...found herself with a front-row seat to their combo of Wendy's front-line fighting and Dipper's hit and run magic/tactical expertise bring down an Ursa MAJOR...the equal admiration for each other's strength, independet streak, and taste in rustic hatwear had made the girls fast-friends.

"Yeah, right! Like you could hogtie more then me!" Shouted Applejack. "Challenge accepted, Loser has to let Rarity give them a makeover!" Stated Wendy!

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash inquired more on Dipper's last statement. "Dude...aren't you kinda being harsh on your own people? comparing them to a raging river?" Dipper smirks, "Who says that's a bad thing?"

Twilight couldn't help be amazed by Dipper's turn of phrase...he quickly explains how while a raging river at first may seem like a bad thing- and it DOSE have it's con's like being uncontrollable and chaotic -but it also has the perks of getting things DONE. It went where it wanted and God help anyone or anything that got in it's way. As for comparing ponies to a peaceful meadow...at first that seems like a good thing...but well...would YOU want to stand on a peaceful meadow and nothing else forever? In other words...nothing would get worse...but nothing would get better...it would just BE.

"This is more of that grey morality stuff you talked about yesterday, isn't it?" Asked Twilight inquisitively. Dipper shrugged, "Well..sorta...but really- And so this went on...and Twilight was amazed. For the first time since her talks with Celestia...she was having an intelligent(by her standerds) conversation. Not only could Dipper keep up with everything she said- regardless of subject -but also sometimes managed to even outtalk her! It had been great with Celestia...but with Dipper it was better...he was near her age after all...and...a guy...

Twilight felt a strange warmth in her checks...as she began to discover a 'new' type of magic...while Dipper continued to talk on...

-basically, It think both our species could have a lot to offer to each other...we maybe different as night and day, hot and cold, me and Mable-

"Speaking of Mable, did you handle that? Apple bloom is too afraid to leave the house now!" Snaps Applejack annoyed. Dipper groaned, "I tried to have her punished or grounded...but Stan refused...it's like my parents all over again. Nobody wants to punish sweet, adorable, energetic Mable...but me on the other hand- Dipper shakes his head to get his rant back on track while the Main six look at him with concern, "I'll try to keep talking to Stan but-

"Horsefeathers to that! We'll talk to him ourselves if we have to!" Says Rainbow Dash annoyed. Rarity and Applejack heartily agreed.

It was then that a loud commotion was heard, everyone turned around to see the princesses heading for the Shack. Stan naturally responded by kicking everyone out unless they paid the 500$ 'good enough for royal company fee'(he promptly made more money in five minutes then the last 5 years combined).

The mane six- and Dipper after Twilight forcibly grabs and yanks him down -bow to them. "At ease my little ponies...and humans." Amended Celestia quickly. Twilight smiles up at her mentor, "Princess Celestia, what brings you here?"

Celestia returned the smile, "I thought it be best to inform you quickly; soon all our problems concerning Northwest will be gone!"

"You mean the forest will be free of pollution and my animal friends will be free to head home?" Asked Fluttershy excitedly.

Celestia nodded, "Yes, and we owe it all to Mr. Preston's magic of bribery! We should all- Why Dipper, why are you laughing?" Asked Celestia confused.

Sure enough, Dipper was on the floor laughing. Also, despite the fact they were doing their best not to show it...clearly, the other humans were also trying hard not to laugh. The ponies just watched this confused.

Dipper quickly sat up, (Snort) Wow- Just, wow...(chuckle) Your an idiot!" He mocks right in Celestia's face, leading to a shocked cry from all ponies...and Twilight to faint...

...

'When the truth is shoved down your throat...it's STILL the truth'...Celestia had heard a human say it while passing by...but hadn't really understood what he meant...until now... Tricked...she'd been tricked. A very obvious trick too! Dipper was right...she was an idiot. This- this bribery...it sickened her!

True, one pony exchanging a favor for another wasn't unheard of...but it was ALWAYS for stupid, silly, little things! Harmless things!(like that whole Gala ticket 'fiasco'). NO ONE EVER GOT HURT FROM IT! EVER!

For the first time in many years...Celestia was eating Humble pie...and she did not like it one bit...

Dipper just shook his head at the whole thing, "I just don't get it, I know I put you down a LOT...but even I have to acknowledge the fact that you are competent enough to not only run a country for a thousand years or more...but also intelligent enough to make it more happy and prosperous then humans ever have...you literally have no excuse to grab this big ball of idiot-

"DIPPER!" Shouted Twilight horrified. "It's okay Twilight, he's right...I was an idiot." Everyone gasped as her sister comforted her. "He fooled both of us sister." She assured.

Celestia thanked her sister and turned to Dipper; "The wicked of this world Dipper, are never subtle. They've never had a reason to be. I understand what it is, of course. Or else I would question the meaning of the word. Subtly is a part of daily politics. But I've never thought anyone with wicked intent would be able to use it. Villains in Equestria have always just wielded massive amounts of power to force their goals with all the 'subtlety' of a hurricane. Mr. Northwest has caught me of guard. I do not wish to be caught off guard again." She said firmly with a trace of steel in her voice.

Dipper just frowned at that, "I just don't get...Preston is clearly a clever guy...he'd have to of known that you'd have found out the deception quickly so why did he...wait, he didn't have you sign anything did he?"

Celestia nodded, "Yes, the 'bribe release' for- She trailed off...and slapped her face with her hoof...and sighed. "Dare I ask what it REALLY was?" She groaned, cursing herself for being so dazzled by Preston's charm and learning of 'new magic' that she didn't even read the documents she signed with her ROYAL SEAL!

 _"Oh Starswirl...you'd tan my hide for making such a filly-error!"_ She thought to herself in shame.

Stan chuckled, "Oh, probably the usual: exonerating him of all crimes, giving him permission to run his factory how he sees fit without fear of consequence, maybe a government grant or two if he was slick enough-

Both sisters flopped to the floor, "I've failed you my little ponies...if what Mr. Pines says is true...Preston is now free to pollute and destroy our homes with no fear of consequence...I am now powerless by my own laws to stop him."

All the other ponies just bow their heads in defeat, if their princess say it is hopeless...who were they to argue? Fluttershy sighed, "I...better start moving more of the animals out of the forest...also myself to a new home AWAY from the forest...the fumes are starting to make me dizzy..." She begins to walk away sadly...

"(sniff) I'll go tell Granny to accepts Preston's deal to sell our farm to him...with already lost 10 trees to his toxins...might as well get what we can before he lowers his price..." Said a tearful Applejack as she walks away to accept her fate...

Rainbow dash turned to her friends, "Hey, you guys can bunk with me in Cloudsdale if things get too hazardous down here." Said the resigned Pegasus, her friends glumly nodded and thanked her-

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" Everyone turns to see an irate Dipper, "So that's it? Your just going to roll over and give up?"

Twilight looked over at Dipper confused, "Dipper...you heard Celestia-

"FRACK CELESTIA!" All ponies gasped, but Dipper ignored them as he turned to Celestia.

"What are you going on about being 'powerless' -YOU RAISE THE SUN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"

Celestia looked at him baffled, "Dipper the law-

"Abraham Lincoln- The LAW isn't a suicide pact!" Dipper just shakes his head, "What's the point of your precious LAW, if upholding it brings suffering to those you care about!?"

He turns to all the ponies, "Look, I get that you try to see the bright side of things and try to be okay with everything...which is usually a healthy attitude that in most situations I wish more humans would emulate- BUT NOW IS NOT THAT TIME! When life gives you lemons-

"Make lemonade?" Interrupted Pinkie as she pulled a pitcher of lemonade from her mane and poured it into a glass.

Dipper shook his head, "No...we have that saying too but it's been Loooong supplanted by a more popular one...which frankly my Grunkle Stan would do it better justice-

"I only act for bacon- Dipper tosses bacon right into mouth -I'm pacified." He then turns to the ponies, "When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your DAWM lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give you lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!"

The humans cheer as the ponies just gape in horror. Twilight meanwhile slowly pours the lemonade back into the pitcher, puts it on the floor...and slides it out of sight with her hind-hoof.

"What's wrong with lemonade?" Whispered a VERY confused Dash, to which Twilight could only shrug, equally baffled.

"...Mmmmm, and were could I find these...exploding lemons?" Asks Pinkie Pie inquisitively.

"Yer plannin' on baking them into pies ta prank ponies ain't ya?" Asked a concerned Applejack. "Whaaaaaat? Psh. No. Of course not (under her breath) they'd see that coming."

"But shouldn't everyone try to just make the best of when bad things happen. You certainly can't just ignore them." Asked Fluttershy confused.

Dipper shook his head. "I'll say again, You can't always look for the bright side in everything. Sometimes you have to 'make' the bright side yourself."

"Hows making it any different from looking for it?" Asked Twilight confused/interested.

Dipper shrugged, "It's kind of like wanting an apple but all you have is oranges. Looking for the bright side there is thinking that you still enjoy oranges. Making the bright side on the other hand is going out and getting more apples." He explained.

"Now THAT I get", Said Applejack firmly.

Dipper nods and turns to Celestia, "So what's it going to be? You going to let your little ponies down again?"

Celestia just looks at him in disbelief...but nods, "No, I don't think I shall." She gets up and heads out. "Come sister...I think it's time we show Mr. Preston some 'New Magic' of our own." she says with a smile. Luna smirks and tags along...

...

Needless to say after all of Preston's newly acquired 'get out of trouble free cards' mysteriously got burnt to a crisp...he was suddenly very accommodating to the two sisters...

The mudflap factory was condemned, torn down, and all employees were either moved to better jobs or laid off with very generous severances and references, and all the pollution was cleaned up on Preston's Dime.

Meanwhile, Celestia FINALLY read the rest of Twilight's letter with concern. While Twilight added another concern to herself as her 'education' on 'friendship' took a...interesting turn...

But that's a story for another time...

...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	13. Chapter 13

****Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 13****

 **I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!**

...

 **AN: This chapter was greatly helped by Wolvenstrom's efforts, thanks buddy!**

...

Pacifica fumed as she left her fathers office, it had only been a say or two since the whole 'mudflap factory debacle', and her father was taking it hard...which she found VERY stupid because it hadn't really been that big of a problem for them.

After all, her father had already started phasing out that factory even before they came to Equestria(he only really used it as a tax write-off and a cover for less...legal business practices anyway), he began speeding up it's foreclosure once he realized that no Pony would ever get behind such a polluting business.

So really, Celestia and Luna only speed up the inevitable. Although his reputation took a bit of a hit in Ponyville, everywhere else his PR machines were able to spin the whole fiasco so it was his foreman's fault and had him smelling of roses for his selfless acts of cleaning up the toxins and giving generous medical care and severance to his workers(the fact that he'd been FORCED to do all this by the princesses had of course been downplayed if not outright glossed over). And really; not only was all the money spent toward that hadn't even made a dent in the vast Northwest fortune, but their lawyers were even able to write the whole thing off as 'tax deductible', saving them millions!

And although the Princesses had made it clear that they'll put their hooves down- laws or no laws -if Preston hurts their little ponies like that again...they were willing to let things go- for now -since they'd rather not throw Equestria into yet another employment diaspora so quickly(they would if they had to, but not now). So really, as long as they kept their nose clean- at least for the foreseeable future -they'd be fine!

As for their reputation drop in Ponyville...it actually wasn't as bad as it seemed, although their star had waned a bit in the eyes of the ponies(humans were smart enough not to get in the Northwests way or say a bad word against them). But seeing the 'problem' taken care of...most of the ponies decide to drop the subject, let bygones be bygones(for the most part) and move on with their day in true pony style believing that their princesses had won the day and Preston had surely learned his lesson and had become a better person.

...of course... he hadn't. Pacifica knew better then most that her father was a spoiled brat(even more so then herself). He couldn't see that he'd barely lost anything from this, all he cared about was that instead of having the princesses wrapped around his finger just like he had the politicians back home...they'd challenged him and made him do something he didn't want to do.

He was so sure he'd had the princesses wrapped around his finger just like he had the politicians back home... they'd challenged him and made him do something he didn't want to do...it was pathetic.

So what did any spoiled, entitled brat do? Take it out on someone who could afford to take it out on... A few bribes(smiley-dip to a talkative Mable) was all it took to learn that DIPPER was behind the Sisters learning of his scheme...AND that he's found a source of PLASMIDS.

This infuriates Preston even MORE! That such a goldmine had been within grabbing distance the whole time and he'd missed out on it...worse, it seemed like the Alicorn sisters had already declared Dipper as owner of the deposit...so now he wants him bleed dry and broken...and of course he brought out his usual 'tool'...for the job...Pacifica.

Indeed, Pacifica had known from a young age that her father only saw her as a means to an end, training and raising her to be a young honey trap to ensnare the young heirs of his business rivals...and take them for all they got...but NEVER as a daughter. Her mother? Pacifica might as well have NO mother for as much use she's been to her life. No, she'd known from a young age that she was on her own...

So once again- the threat of the BELL hovering over her head -she was being sent into the lions den to massage 'dear daddies' ego...fortunately...this time she had an IN to Dipper's social group.

"Darling, how are you?!" Exclaimed Rarity happily as Pacifica entered her Boutique...

...

"-So in any case, I'm looking for someone who can give me a 'pony' perspective on the science side of things to help me adjust plasmids for ponies." Explained Dipper. "And...maybe later on help with the A.I. and other projects I have cooking" He added as an afterthought.

Dr. Whooves smiled, "Say no more my good boy. I just so happen to be the foremost expert in a multitude of scientific fields."

"A multitude of fields? Like what?" Asked Dipper interested. "Oh off the top of my head. Mechanical engineering, Horology, chemistry, Biology, Chronology, Electrical engineering (amazing how you humans harness electricity without twittermites or magic), and so on... Just because some people feel that 'Magic has made science in Equestria unnecessary' doesn't mean it doesn't exist." He said proudly.

Dipper sighed, "Yes, that attitude is quite prevalent amongst ponies isn't it? Everyone's seems just happy to 'handwave' things off as 'it's magic' -no questions asked, never truly caring how things work...well, forget that! How can we ever TRULY progress- improve if we don't understand WHY this world works as it dose?!"

Dr. Whooves smiled, it was so rare to see a fellow connoisseur of scientific discovery! And from one so young, it was even more inspiring! Needless to say, the good doctor accepted the job...

...

"What do you think? Green or red?" Asked Pacifica as she tries on some of Rarity's shoes. Rarity scoffed, "Oh, sweetie, no! Try Purple, that compliments your highlights so much more!" Pacifica dose so...and smiles as she sees she's right.

She honestly really hadn't expected to strike a friendship with Rarity when she first came to her to buy clothes...she'd just wanted to buy clothes that was made by an adorable, talking, magic pony...and yet, that's what she'd gotten. It was nice to have a friend to talk about the 'finer' things-without being too stuffy -...this 'Shhhar-ing' thing she kept talking about was confusing...yet interesting.

"Any chance you could sort through the rest by yourself darling? Dipper needs me to swing by his Shack for something... Pacifica smiled... "Dipper? Dipper Pines? The boy who brought us all here...any chance you could bring me along?" Asked Pacifica sweetly...

...

"This 'plasmid' through odd is far from unique. Tis expected for exotic ingredients bizarre traits we potion masters seek." Said Zecora dismissively

Dipper sighed, She clearly consider it folly. While the idea certainly has merits in her eyes, she's well aware of what might happen if ponies could permanently change themselves in such a manner...

Dipper suppressed a groan, he needed this! He had big plans for the future! He'd read enough 'fantasy' novels to know that his friends would inevitably be whisked away on some epic quest or something! And knowing his luck, if he didn't do something BIG soon, he'd ended up being the 'comical sidekick' by default!(to be clear, he'd be that to help his friends if he had to- he'd do anything for them -but he'd rather be in a role they'd RESPECT and see as an equal)...also...he couldn't mooch off his Uncle's support forever...he needed to start thinking about how to stand on his own legs in this new world...

And no matter how he looked at it, for plasmids to work properly for ponies he needed a more intimate understanding of pony biology and magic...and Zecora was perfect for that!

Dipper took a deep breath, "Your right, their might be downsides to this...but I bet their were downsides to your 'potions' branch of magic when it was first conceived. But did that stop your people from pioneering it and later mastering it? Heck, there were probably 'downsides to 'fire' when it was first discovered to! You could literally use that argument for anything. Look, everything is dangerous...until you domesticate it. I won't lie, this stuff can be dangerous. The original people who 'refined' it...I won't share the details...but I'd rather avoid how they 'stabilized' it. Probably even more so since ponies will probably be so alien to it...but that's why I need your help! With your skills and expertise. I think together we can make this work!"

Zecora was stunned by this... It was so rare for her to meet someone for the first time so willing to perfect a process rather than rush any results. Most ponies who visit her want a quick solution, usually in the form of a potion she hopefully just has laying around.

She'd also agree with potion downsides. But she's had a long time to perfect her craft (as much as a job where you constantly look to improve and discover is)...

And so they got to work ironing out a deal...and other insightful conversations...

"I find it ever an irony, when most ponies come to see me. They brave the forest full of Monsters, curses and tricks, yet all they wish from me is an easy fix."..."so many A Time The Cure I dispense are for problem that could be solved with common sense."... "a lesson for a master is always prudent, since you never quite stop being a student."

Dipper couldn't help himself, those rhymes were amazing! ...So they continued to talk...but fortunately, Zecora seemed up for the challenge.

After she leaves, Dipper goes over some paperwork, thanks to Twilight. Celestia had not only given him an official title/position of 'Human/pony ambassador' but a large payment that went with it...if he invested it into his research plus coupled with his friends, Whooves, and Zecora's help. He was sure that-

"Well, hello there! Dipper, Dipper Pines right?" Dipper sighed...well, that was that moment ruined. He'd familiarized himself with that voice over recordings the past couple of days-

He turned around to see Pacifica Northwest, "How's you get in here?" He asked bluntly. Pacifica just gave her best smile as she sauntered over with a slightly seductive swagger. "Your friend Rarity allowed me in- she sat on his desk...which just 'happened' to put her cleavage in his direct eyesight -She and the others waiting downstairs for you...but- and I hope you'll forgive from being forward, I wanted to meet the MAN who was clever enough to weave a spell to send an entire town to another world and strong enough- she reaches over to feel his bicep -

Only for Dipper jump away and roll his eyes, "Right let me stop you right there- I KNOW that your a honey-trap, so can we please chill with the cliches already?" Said Dipper bluntly.

Pacifica's eye's almost popped out, "WHAT!? How...What are you talking about?" She quickly tried to regain her composure.

Dipper said nothing...he simply walked over to another desk where he'd compiled data on the Northwests since the 'mudflap debacle'...and pulled out one dedicated to her...it showed everything...records, documents, newspaper clippings, graphs, charts, data, pictures...all of it piecing together Pacifica's 'exploits'...

-How she convinced Remy Buxaplenty to sue his parents for everything and get emancipated so they could run away together...the 'special lawyer' she gave him has an arrangement with the Northwests(he gives them most of the money he wins, they don't tell the press about all the hundreds of (literal) skeletons in his closet), he jacks up his prices so high that Remy loses all he won from the lawsuit, leaving him and his family penniless.

How she poked at Dominic Esquito's ego, saying there was no way he could buy EVERYTHING he wanted, wanting to prove himself to the cute girl, he buys the 'special' credit card(the company that makes of which belongs to the Northwests) and uses it to buy a ridiculous amount of things(and Pacifcia keeps needling him to buy MORE), until he's spent his entire family fortune and the Northwests take possession of his entire family's empire.

And Montana Max...that moron was the easiest mark yet! All she had to do was sweettalks him to buying her whatever she wants until his family was bankrupt...

Pacifica looked at this dumbfounded...she'd known he was smart...but she'd mostly written it off as nerdy book-smart!(which if anything would make him MORE susceptible to her charms)...but this...this was actually...impressive?

"Wow...just, wow...no one- EVER has figured me out and shut me down that quickly...just...wow." Pacifica honestly didn't know what was more surprising...this turn of events...or the fact that she was genuinely impressed by this.

Dipper just shrugs...there's a long awkward silence.

"Sooo...what happens now?" Asks Pacifica. Dipper sighs, "Well...as nice as a the stipend that Celestia gave me is, I could use some investors to help things along."

Pacifica looked at him confused, "Wait...your asking me- The person who was going to ruin you -to be an investor?"

Dipper shrugs, "With my luck...I was going to get fracked over no matter who I try to get money from...at least this way I know what I'm getting into."

Pacifica...just looks at him..and smirks and laughs, "Well...your nuts...but I think I like that. So I guess I must be crazy too...I'll send my lawyer to finalize the details later...she then walks out of the room...

The instant she's gone...Dipper let's out a gasp, and flusters, _"Sweet creator that girl was HOT!"_ Thinks a panting Dipper as he let's the self-control he'd enforced for the last few minutes fall apart...

...

Celestia once more read through Twilight's report...her concerns about Equestria and ponykind stagnating...were causing great conflict within the Alicorn ruler..

It would be easy to just agree with Dipper; while they weren't against progress(herself included), ponies for the most part saw no need to continue developing. No imperative's or danger that required them to innovate...

And yet...she wondered if the stagnation might be because of her. Due to her being Immortal; it might be a larger scale of the problem experienced between generations. Elders have trouble adapting to what is considered Easy to the younger generation, and she has been an Elder for a thousand years...

That she was still have trouble adapting to modern society, but her sister luna was having more of a go of it then she... was more embarrassing then she would admit...

As for Twilight's concerns...Well, She knows what SHE wants Twilight to be... but she also wants Twilight to reach that end herself...but Ultimately she would be happy with whatever Twilight chooses.

Celestia on the other hand...was realizing she was having the same problem as Twilight...she has no idea what she herself wants of a life that's already 1000 years old. She's been everywhere, done everything she's ever wanted to do. She's reached the point where she now realizes she's just been going through the motions of a boring life filled with a routine of cakes, tea's and little challenge. She might not like the conflict of villainy that seems to Spring up every so often... but she can't deny it brings an interesting change of pace to an otherwise mundane existence. Even if it is always the same song and dance more or less...

In fact...if she was still being honest with herself...It was why she was so eager to take on Twilight Sparkle. She'd been trying for the past several years beforehand even before she met the filly to try something different by mentoring...as well as the slightly selfish reasons of seeking out others to free her sister and to help bear the drudgery of Eternity with her... For starters.

Perhaps...perhaps both she and Twilight need humans... with their unwillingness to remain stagnant, demanding every day be different and present a different challenge...as chilling and weird a thought it maybe... but it might very well give both of them a better idea of what they want to do...

...after much internal-debate...she finally began to write:

 _-Dearest Twilight, I'm afraid any advice I give you on such a matter would be an oxymoron. Your life is yours to decide Twilight. Although I admit as your teacher there are certain things I wish for you to do in life, I'm not going to tell you what they are...for I want you to be whatever you choose to be. As long as you're happy and have your friends you could never disappoint me..._

Celestia looked over to schematic of the idea she'd been thinking up since the 'Taxi pony debacle', before going back to writing

 _-change comes as it always does. Hard fast and totally unexpected. You and I- WE ALL must adapt and grow with this change. Be cautious but welcome it...which leads me to another announcement...  
_

 _..._

Earth animals are so mean! one earth bear beat up 5 of mine!" Exclaims Fluttershy annoyed, as she listed all the various Equestria wildlife that had been driven out of their habitats by their more vicious earth counterparts. -And when I tried to reason with them- she sniffed out a tear -THEY were so mean! The things they said about my MOM!"

Twilight comforted the yellow Pegasus...then Dipper walked into the front room of the shack. First in foremost he asked what was wrong with Fluttershy, once explained he comforts her as well.

Once the sweet pony is calmed down, Dipper announces how he's going to start up a business researching various oddities and how to sell them in a practical manner to Equestria.

The mane Six stomped their hooves in applause...only to be surprised when Twilight takes the floor!

"As great as Dipper's news is...I have news that's even better! Princess Celestia is going to open a human/pony cultural exchange school right here in Gravity falls/Ponyville!"

She got the expected applause from the ponies...but from the humans...they just looked confused.

"Wait...what exactly dose that mean?" Asked Dipper curious. "It means that a mix of human and pony teachers will teach all ages of both species how to properly integrate/understand the other!" Shouts Twilight in excitement.

Rainbow Dash nodded, "Yeah, we need that- I don't know what I'm doing wrong...but that Nigerian prince I wired money too hasn't responded to my calls!"

"Yeah, and I've been giving a lot of money to all those save the animal 'pop-up' things that keep cluttering up my computer...I want to know how to contact those organizations to help them more!" Explained Fluttershy.

"And humans could stand to be a little more learned too", Said Spike as he reminisced fearfully-

...

 **Last week**

 _"I'm telling you guys! The Sun is moved by Celestia!" Shouted A Spike from the stake he was tied to. "BURN HIM!" Shouted Sprott as he and the angry human Mob set fire to the stake. "What a scoop!" Shouts Pipsqueak as he flashes out a picture on his camera-_

 _"YOU'VE STOLEN MY SOUL!" Screamed Sprott as he chased after the colt with a torch..._

...

Dipper groaned as he slapped his face, "Okay...you all REALLY need this school." he admitted.

"Speak for yourself!" A familiar shadow went over Dipper as Wendy leaned over him. Her long, red, wavy locks caressed his face. "Your seriously going to make me go to school!? It's summer for crying out loud!" Shouted Wendy to Twilight. Dipper said nothing as he took in the teens beauty at close proximity...

Twilight frowned in confusion. "First of all; why wouldn't you want to go to school? Second, no one's FORCING you. It's all voluntary!"

The eye rolls from the other ponies on the first half of her statement reassured Wendy, that lighter and softer they maybe...NOpony/body liked more school then they had to take(Which makes sense, that if ANYTHING was universal. That was.) And the second bit reassured her 110% more!

Wendy chuckled as she stopped leaning on a flustered Dipper, "Voluntary?... I won't lie to you Twilight...ain't NO human going to go to that school-

...

"Dang it, I hate when I'm wrong." Groaned Wendy. Turns out Monarchism fever had spread like wildfire across Gravity Falls when Celestia first introduced herself...Having a REAL Princess presiding over them...there was just something magical about it that was hard to describe...the fact she was a magical, beautiful, majestic fairy-tale creature was just icing on the cake!

In any case, the moment she decreed that all VOLUNTARY students(of all ages) could attend...Wendy and every other teen in gravity Falls found themselves being 'volunteered' by their parents.

"But dad! It's SUMMER!" Pleaded Wendy. "I don't care if it's Śmigus-dyngus day! We got a pretty princess now! We got responsibilities! To both country and honor!...also...I need your help to navigate a modern high-school." Dan mumbled that last part awkwardly as they BOTH walked to their first class.

Wendy just face-palmed in disbelief...

...

The mane six entered the former human high school building that had been donated to Celestia by the school board of Gravity Falls, Twilight took in a deep breath...savoring the familiar smells, sights and sounds of learning.

Pencil shavings in the air, books being flapped about, lockers being closed, fillies and colts sobbing- WAIT, what!?

Sure enough, many fillies and colts(also some Stallions and Mares) were crying; especially the CMC! "Sugarcube! What's wrong?!" Asked Applejack concerned. Applebloom sniffed as she pointed to the walls.

Naturally their was some pony posters; 'Friendship is magic', 'everything is possible if you believe in yourself', and 'learning is fun'...but mostly...their were human posters-

"WHAT THE BUCK!?" Shouted a confused Applejack

 **Affirmation: Instilling the self-confidence kids will need to carry them through all the failure they'll experience because they weren't taught competence instead.**

"What- Why would ANYONE ever say that!? Especially toward children!?" Demanded Twilight

 **Discouragement: Because there's nothing standing between you and your goal but a total lack of talent and complete failure of will.**

"Why would they put up such MEAN things?!" Demanded Fluttershy.

 **Dream Small: It's your only hope for success, really.**

"I- What- What kind of Attitude is that?!" Demanded Rarity baffled

 **Expectations: Refuse to accept anything but the very best and you are never going to last around here.**

Rainbow scratched her head, "Are they...discouraging people? Pranking them? What, what is this?" She asked confused.

 **Never Give Up: Never stop trying to exceed your limits. We need the entertainment.**

"Seriously, what is this trying to convey? WHY would they put this in a school?" Asked/Demanded Twilight

 **Politics: A nation divided against itself cannot stand to hear what those other lunatics are trying to say.**

"I don't get it", Said a weirded out Pinkie Pie(an Oxymoron if there ever was one).

 **Pulling Together: Only works when you're not jerking in opposite directions like idiots.**

"Are they...bad mouthing friendship!?" Asked a confused/horrified Twilight(this statement leads to confused gasps from other ponies).

 **You Are Special: If you require additional affirmation, get a puppy. The rest of us are trying to work.**

"What's wrong with a puppy?" Asked a confused/hurt Fluttershy.

 **Accountability: A word leaders start to use right before the scapegoating begins.**

"Seriously, what is this?" Asked a confused Rainbow Dash to equally confused Ponies

 **Be the Bridge: That way we can walk all over you on our way to better places.**

"Who wrote these!?" Demanded Rarity.

 **Caution: Disaster awaits those who ignore hidden threats. We trust you'll find this sufficiently motivating(picture of iceberg).**

"UH...I guess that's good advice...maybe?" Stated a confused Applejack awkwardly

 **Dare to Be Different: Because there's always room for another annoying non-conformist like you in the unemployment line.**

"HEY!" Shouts an offended Pinkie Pie

 **Dare to Soar: With enough hot air, even losers like you can fly.**

"HEY!" Shouts an offended Rainbow Dash

 **Downsizing: Because we're all in this together but there's always room for one less.**

"WHAT!?" Shouted Twilight horrified.

 **Interns: The experience we're giving you is invaluable. That's why we're not paying you anything.**

"Wha- I- Who- Why- WHAT KIND OF LESSON'S ARE THESE!?" Demanded an affronted Twilight

 **Mediocrity: Just because we accept you as you are doesn't mean we've abandoned hope you'll improve.**

"Is that an insult or a compliment?" Asked Rarity...no one could answer either.

 **Progress: Just made you irrelevant(picture of a robot farming).**

"Okay, that's just hurtful!" Shouted Applejack to a nodding Applebloom.

 **Ruthlessness: It pays a lot better than integrity.**

"Okay, THAT one is going Bye-bye!" Shouts Twilight as she tears it down.

 **Teams: Together, we can do the work of one.**

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Demanded Fluttershy baffled.

 **Motivation: If a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. The kind robots will be doing soon.**

"Wait, What's going to happen to me?!" Demanded a horrified Pipsqueak

 **Tradition: Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid(picture of people being chased by bulls).**

Applejack was seeing red with this...

 **Wishes: When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.**

Pinkie's main deflated, "I'm suddenly very terrified of looking at the night sky now." She admitted Depressed.

 **Get To Work: You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.**

"Were not?!" Shouted Snips horrified.

 **Shoot for the Moon: Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. Of course, then your eyeballs will boil and your lungs explode from decompression. But that's what you get for being a damn showoff.**

All the ponies turned green or sobbed harder.

 **Procrastination: Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.**

Applejack promptly tore this poster down- and the part of the wall it was connected to -and stamped it to rubble.

 **Knowledge: I believe that children are our future. And that terrifies me.**

"Now what kinda thing is that to show to children!?" Demanded Rarity

 **Mistakes: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others(picture of a shipwreck).**

"Okay, seriously. Are they TRYING to traumatize these kids?!" Exclaimed Rainbow Dash still confused/horrified.

 **Distinction: Looking sharp is easy when you haven't done any work.**

"What...just...what?!" Exclaimed a confused Twilight while everypony just scratched their heads.

 **Ambition: The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.(picture of salmon jumping into bears mouth)**

"Are we...gonna DIE if we find our Cutie marks?" Whimpers Scottalo.

 **Potential: Not everyone gets to be an success when they grow up.**

"NOOOOOOOO! I was counting on that!" Shouted Snails devastated.

 **Achievement: You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor(picture of pyramids being built by slaves being whipped)**

"Okay, that's just messed up!"

 **Believe in Yourself: Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.**

"I don't like this!" Shouted a slightly sobbing Fluttershy

 **Consulting: If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.**

Diamond Tiara looked on this in contemplation while everyone just gaped in horror...

 **Idiocy: Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.**

"Again, is that a compliment or an insult!?" Everypony just shrugged

 **Priorities: Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove... But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins become a tourist attraction.(pictures of Easter island)**

Several ponies began to curl up into a fetal position and whimper...as they contemplated this crazy thing called 'life'

 **Consistency: It's only a virtue if you're not a screwup.**

"AGAIN?! Insult or compliment!? Which is it!?"

 **Winners: Because nothing says "you're a loser" more than owning a motivational poster about being a winner.**

Rainbow Dash suddenly felt self-concious of all the motivational 'your a winner' posters she had at home...

Twilight just shakes her head at all this, then she sees Dipper. "DIPPER! What's going on with these posters! Their weird and just plain hurtful!"

Dipper sighed, he quickly points out some of the more insightful posters-

 ** **Not every life can be a success, just like not every vessel can be seaworthy. But there's no shame in being one spectacular shipwreck. (Actually, there is. But we're not going to kick you while you're down, Edmund Fitzgerald.)****

"Huh...I guess that's a little better." Admits Twilight. Then Dipper goes to explain how these 'demotivational' posters are mostly for humor...and maybe a little reverse psychology.

"Reverse, what?" Asked Twilight confused

Dipper just smiles and point out a human kid looking at the 'potential one' with an angry expression as he begins to shout at it. "Oh yeah! Ma daddy didn raise me to take no lip from no sign! He then coughs into hand and starts speaking less like a redneck and more uber manly/confident. "I'm going to go to space and you can't stop me!" He then Picks up several books from nearby shelf and begins to study seriously.

Twilight just stares at the kid blankly as he walks away. "Uh...what just happened here?" Dipper shrugged, "different ways of learning. You ponies seem to favor the 'carrot'; promise kids they'll succeed if they are good citizens and study hard, etc...where humans are all bout the 'stick'...as in reminding us constantly that if we keep slacking off...we'll be homeless, loser bums."

"Well...as long as it works for you...good for you...I guess." Said Twilight awkwardly...what else COULD she say?"

Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie was looking at a **'Watch out for 'Power to the people' stations!** Poster in deep thought. She then smiles, pulls out a marker from her mane and crosses out 'people' and replaces it with 'pony'. She giggles and then trots away happily...

It was at that moment that the bell rung...Twilight watched as the many kids went to class...and she followed along to observe...hoping that the sanctity of the classrooms would provide much needed tranquility...

...you gotta fell sorry for the poor naive girl...

 _..._

-So life...is like a beer- (drinks) -it's good, tasty and you'd step over your own mother to get to it!" Explains Mr. Simpson to his class as he drinks a beer. "But you can't stop at one! you have to drink more life! He then proceeds to drinks in excess.

...a little later...

Homer: And so I says ...YEAH!? Well, if you want that money...come and find it because I don't know where it is...yah baloneey!...you make me want to wretch!" Said a loaded Mr. Simpson.

"Wait, what dose this have to with government?" Asked Applebloom confused. "I'm getting to that! Shouts Homer before he burps and collapses on the floor."

...

"I'm just saying...when we die...there'll be a separate heaven for the french...another heaven for the German and we'll all be a lot happier!" Explained Mr. Gumble to the class.

"Mr. gumble, your upsetting us!" Exclaimed a freaked out Sweetie bell, while her classmates nodded.

"No I'm not!" Exclaims Barney right before he burp and collapses. A concerned Applebloom picks up the empty beer bottle... "What's IS this stuff?"

...

"Uh...Mr. Buzzcut...isn't this a bit much?" Asked Scootallo as the new Gym teacher makes them do the 50th dodge ball game in a row today...with balls filled with frozen ice...

Buzzcut sneers, "Oh is the little baby tired?...the person who bombards this piece of garbage is allowed a drink of water!" Scottallo suddenly finds herself pelted by dodgeballs.

" I want you pathetic pansies to fight! Fight you wimps! MAKE HER BLEED!" Screams Buzzcut.

...

"Give me 200 pages on the history of the cotton gin and how it affects Equestria by tomorrow!" Shouts Mrs. Grimmely

"What!?" Exclaimed Diamond Tiara, "But the cotton gin was invented on earth! It hasn't affected Equestria at all, I-

"500 pages!" Shouts Grimmely.

...

Mr. Jack Lassen chuckles, "I know how to deal with miscreants like you...it's how I got this scar-

"what scar?" Asks Silver Spoon.

Lassen carves his own face with a knife and lets it bleed out. "THIS scar."

The Whole class gulps...

...

Professor Longhorn: -and that's how you flip the penny on a wall." Explains Professor Longhorn

"Uh...professor...what is this teaching us?" Asks Sweetiebell.

Longhorn: "How to flip a penny! On a wall! What are you? Stupid?!" Shouts the Professor.

...

Mrs. Bitters sneers at the class. "In conclusion, all your efforts are pointless as were all doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doomed. Doo-

Pipsqueak raises his hand. "Uh, miss Bitters? Don't you think your exaggerating a bit? I mean-

"DON'T TALK BACK TO ME! to the underground school for you!" Shouts Bitters

She presses a button and the school watches in horror as the Colt falls into a trapdoor that is immediately enveloped in flames.

...

"Uh, Principal Lewis?...the fumes from these chemicals are making my nose bleed." Explains a woozy Applebloom

"Shut it! I need thirty grams of meth by tonight or your all in permanent detention!" Shouts the overweight, African American Principal.

"Uh sir?" Sweetiebell holds up hamster to him. "I think the class pet hamster is sick-

"THINK FAST!" Lewis smacks the hamster out of her hands and laughs.

Sweetie bell looked down at the now probably dead pet sorrowfully "My hamster..." She says tearfully.

...

Mr. Moe takes a puff from his cigar. "So here's the 4-1-1 kids. Say some gangster is dissing your fly girl, just give him one of these- (dose some battle break dancing) -

 **BANG!**

 **BANG!**

 **BANG!**

-Before pulling out a gun and shooting over the classes heads as they screamed...

...

The teacher named Mr. Pennywise... was dressed as a clown. "Would you like a balloon little pony?"

...

While the pony students were have a nightmare...the Pony Teachers...well...

"Hey! My name is Cutsey Wutsey! I'll be your teacher! I hope we'll all be the best of friends soon enough!" Shouts the multi-colored and happy pony...

The angry and warped human teens just glared at her while they tattooed each other and played knife games with their fingers...

...5 minutes later...

Cutsey Wustey, now half-shaved, covered in bubblegum, and spray painted with ' **Your my B*** now!** ' sobbed in a concerned Celestia's lap. "WHY!? WHY!? I WAS JUST TRYING TO TEACH THEM!...MAYBE MAKE NEW FRIENDS!" She continues to sob hysterically as Celestia comforts her.

 _"Unbelievable...I knew there would be obstacle...but for almost all the pony teachers to quit!? And the pony students to threaten to boycott?! BEFORE THE FIRST DAY IS HALF OVER?!"_

She shakes her head as she glares at the human teachers, "Ok, all of you out."

"What?" Exclaimed Lewis. "You can't do that! This is all entirely volent...

Celestia's mane lights up like a bonfire as the sun goes eclipse without the moon going in front of it.

"The human children I tolerate, because they had dullards like you teaching them, so it can be understood. Now however seeing as the poor ponies that volunteered are clearly not fit to, I am instituting a screening process to find those more suitable for the task. And seeing as the system was set up to operate the same for both sides, that means the same for you." Stated Celestia

Bitters snarled, "All your doing is staving off the inevitable disappointment of...

Her tirade Gets interrupted as she's sucked into a stone gargoyle being held by Dipper, her face appearing on it. Wendy and his Mane six friends are standing behind him holding various ritual items.

Wendy looks at the journal, holding it open on a page with Miss Bitters on it: "HA! I told you!"

Applejack sighed as she forked over 15 bits...

Celestia blinked at this, _"What just- No, worry about that later."_

"Now...kindly leave the premises..." Celestia politely affirms again.

Lassen sneers "Or what? You'll banish us to the sun?"

Celestia smirked. "No, Mr Pines has agreed to become principal otherwise. His lessons though frowned upon, are still teaching our youth actual life skills."

The teachers promptly trampled each other to leave first...

"HA! I'm being complimented AND used as a threat! I find that the opposite of insulting!" Exclaims Stan happily.

Celestia massages her temples..."Of course you do." She turns to Wendy, "How on earth did you ever get any education with THEM around?" She asks astounded.

Wendy shrugs, "We really didn't...course it didn't help that the few Semi-competent teachers we had were enjoying their summer vacation OUTSIDE Gravity Falls before it was whisked away."

Celestia groaned... "I see."...

...

Celestia walked back and forth in front of the Mane Six, Mrs. Cheerilie, the Pines clan, Soos, Wendy, and Pacifica.

"Alright, everyone. Your the best of the best-

" -Of the limited Pool of options you had?" Finished Dipper.

Celestia frowned, not used to interruptions. But quickly tried to recompose herself, "That's not import-

"Dood, we were just hired because we weren't the worst possible choice?" Asked Soos a little hurt

Stan smirked, "Don't knock it Soos. That's how I met my second wife."

"Weren't you married 'three' times?"

Stan shrugged, "She planned to go up the ladder one slightly better guy at a time. I was just happy I wasn't the guy at the bottom."

Toby Determined hears this and sighs deeply. Celestia opens her mouth as if to ask a question...then closes it -wisely- deciding she was best kept ignorant on THAT matter.

Twilight was trying VERY hard not to squeal in excitement...she was going to be a teacher! More importantly, a teacher in magic!

Fortunately, Celestia dismissed them to their various classes before she exploded.

...

"Who wants to get baking!?" Shouts an excited Pinkie Pie, "You stupid pony. This isn't a cooking class, it's chemistry!" Heckles one random teen.

Pinkie simply takes a deep breathas she Turns to blackboard, and uses mane to rapidly start writing on it while speaking; "Flour contains the proteins - glutenin and gliadin. When water is added to flour to make dough, it allows these proteins to bond together and from a new protein called gluten. Kneading the dough intensifies these gluten bonds. After the dough is place into a heated oven, it begins to rise and grow the gluten network. This network eventually hardens during the baking process, giving the inside of a loaf of bread or similar baked good its signature structure-

Pinkie takes another deep breath.

-Leavening agents - such as yeast, baking powder and baking soda - give baked dough its pillowy lightness. Baking soda achieves this by reacting with acids in the dough to produce carbon dioxide gas, which puffs up the dough. Baking powder releases carbon dioxide twice during the entire baking process - once when it hits water and once when it reaches a certain temperature in the oven. When yeast is added to dough, it begins to feed on starches - producing sugars, alcohol and carbon dioxide as byproducts. As with baking powder and baking soda, the carbon dioxide produced by yeast causes the dough to rise."

She Puts the chalk down and the black board has somehow been joined by several other black boards. She then turns to find the dissenting student has been gagged. While Candy asks her about the 'science' behind those dodecatuple low fat chocolate brownies she made...

...

History teacher Applejack was in high spirits, she knew that her concept of 'what was important' in history was slightly skewed in favor of her favorite fruit...but come on! How was the first apple tree in Ponyville NOT important?

True...her students hadn't seemed enthusiastic about it...which is why Applejack had told her class to wait there while she want back to the bus to get dozens of her apple treats.

 _"Ain't nobody gonna be staying aloof with these tasty apple fritters!"_ Thinks Applejack happily. She goes up the hill to greet her class, "Hey class! Soup's o-

Applejack trailed off in horror...watching several people urinate on her favorite landmark will do that...

...

The perpetrators find themselves spending the next year in ER for a testicle transplant...the rest of the class(who stood by and did NOTHING!) Found themselves getting a more 'hands-on' experience with history...at least...that was the justification Applejack gave for forcing her students to work on her farm throughout their class time...

...

"huh, I thought this fashion class would be boring- I only did it since the Principal made me -but this actually pretty interesting!" Admitted Nate as Rarity showed all the human colts and tomfillies how to repair their clothes...

...

Gym Teacher Dash smirks, "Alright people! I'm going to start you off with something simple that we Pegasus fillies first learn! Cloud bucking! Now get to your clouds and hustle!" The students looked at all the knee high clouds...that was brimming with lightning.

A kid raised his hand, "Uh-

"No talk! Hustle or it's a hundred laps for everyone!" Shouted Dash...who was about to get a lesson herself in how what was 'simple' for one species...was actually quite dangerous for another...

...

Equestria Literature teacher Fluttershy puts eye drops in her eyes...after using her stare for the 12th time this hour! _"I'm going to need to see the optometrist after this..." She groans..._

...

Naturally Twilight's magic class had the largest following...after all, who WOULDN'T want to learn magic?

Twilight turned off the projector and turned to the class, "And now that we've finished lecture one-

The whole class looked the happiest they'd ever felt in 9 hours.

-We can move on to lecture 2!" Shouts Twilight excited...all the class could do was cry...

...

Soos- the electronics teacher -turned to the class "This is a computer. This is important if you want to understand us h*** sapiens, cause all human children between your age and my age spend roughly 90 percent of their time on it."

"What does it do?" Asked Sweetie Belle

Soos Looks at computer, then back at the student... "Basically a life support machine"...

...

"Um, Mrs. Wendy. Ah don't mean to be a sassy pants or nothin'. But ain't you s'posed ta be teaching us physical education?" Asked applebloom as Wendy had taken them to a teen party instead of class.

Wendy just shrugs and then calls out to students attending the 'hang out with her friend and do dumb teen stuff' party. "Is anyone here not able to run ten laps around the school?"

Snips raises his hoof, then nudges snails to do the same.

"Go run ten laps around the school." Orders Wendy

They both groan but go back to the school -they aren't that far away- to run laps.

Wendy smirks, "The rest of you, let me show you how make Thompson chug this entire family can of chilli beans and weenies."

Thompson groans, "Aww, again?! Oh come on Wendy, I just did that yesterday. The doctor said I can't get my stomach pumped again until next Friday"!

"Thompsons! Thompson! Thompson." Shouts Teens

"C'mon kids. It's easy." Explains Wendy

fillies and colts just look to each other and shrug. "Thompson! Thompson! Thompson!" They shout with the teens

...

"Bad guys, even ones from were I'm from expect you to try and fight them one on one. They don't expect you to fight like them. A dirty trick might seem dishonest and cowardly. But at least you'll be an 'alive' dishonest coward." Explained Dipper to his self-defense class...

...

Stan the economic teacher turns to the class, "Now remember kid's, lesson number one is "as long as you don't break the law, you can bend and stretch it like it's taffy."

"but won't breaking the law get us put in jail?" Asked Silver Spoon

Stan chuckles, "Not if you adhere to the letter of the law and not the spirit. Loopholes kid, loopholes! Any success on businessman needs to be at least a little bit of a lawyer and see the cracks between the law..."

...

"Hey come on guys! Where you going! Come back!" Shouts Art and Crafts teacher Mable...who is learning the hard way that he lessons are considered pointless since most ponies have at least a basic understanding of them...or the ponies are just disappointed that her lessons are just stuff they do in school anyway.

Diamond Tiara scoffed as she brought up her phone, "Any lame brain can stick pasta together. But why waste our time doing that when I can prove how much better I am than the blank flanks by getting more followers on braysbook than all of them combined?"

Applebloom frowned, "I can't believe I'm saying this...but I -sorta- agree with Diamond Tiara...we learned this sort of t stuff when we were in pre-school for crying out loud!" She shouts as she and the rest of the class leave the room...and leaves Mable to sulk...

...

Politics teacher Pacifica turns to her class: "If you have money, your better than everyone who doesn't."

Diamond Tiara puts her cheeks in her hooves and looks up to Pacifica with idolization: "Please Ms Northwest. Tell me how me being rich makes me better than every pony else." she pleaded in awe.

Scotaloo whispers to her fellow crusaders: "Wow, that's a first. The new teacher got Diamond Tiara to listen to the first thing she said."...

...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	14. Chapter 14

****Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 14****

 **I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!**

 **...**

 **ANNOUNCEMENT!**

 **I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!**

 **SUMMARY:**  
 **On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!**

 **The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you!**

...

 **AN: This chapter was greatly helped by Wolvenstrom's efforts, thanks buddy!**

...

Pacifica turned to her class, "In this class you'll be learning how to use get power, friends, influence and whatever your heart desires."

Apple Bloom raised her hoof, "But what if we ain't rich like you or Diamond Tiara?"

Pacifica looks at her oddly, she then looks over a student profile list she'd been handed then back up: "Apple Bloom right? Of the Apple clan?"

AppleBloom nods happily, "Yes Miss. Oldest family in Ponyville." She said proudly

Pacifica smiled, "Then I don't see why you'd need to ask that question. Considering your 'clan' is richer than Diamond Tiara's."

Entire class gasps, spit takes, goes into shock, etc. Especially Diamond and Applebloom. "Wh-what!?" Shouts Applebloom and Diamond.

Pacifica continues, "Your family holds what I've been informed is a one 'hundred' percent monopoly on all the apple farms in Equestria. Every Apple and apple product sold in the kingdom originates in one of your families countless orchards. And that's not even going into other produce your family grow, business dealings. Land holdings. All being owned by aaaaaa- checks profile again -Maria Ann Smith Apple ('Ha. Ok, I get it') and managed by Macintosh Apple? Looks down from papers at the shocked fillies. "What? Didn't you realize that your grandma basically owns Ponyville?"

Applebloom shakes her head slowly, her jaw still detached. Pacifica smirks, "Oh good. Then I have a lesson for you."

She then Moves Diamond Tiara next to Applebloom. "Business connections." Explains Pacifica.

Both of them look at each other startled, "But...we hate each other!" Exclaimed Diamond! "Yeah...we really do." Admitted Applebloom sadly.

Pacifica just looks at them quietly, then groans. Takes Diamond Tiara aside and whispers to her- "WHAT DO YOU MEAN HER FAMILY CONTROLS 50% OF MY FAMILIES PROFITS!?" Shouted Diamond Tiara.

Applebloom leapt up, "HA! SO THIS 'BLANK FLANK' HAS YOUR FUTURE IN HAND?! WE'LL KISS YOUR WEALTH GOODBYE!"

Pacifica sighed as Diamond Tiara paled, "That right there? That was kinda why I was telling you this in private and WHISPERING it."

Diamond just puts her head in her hooves and groans, Pacifica just pats her on the head. "Relax, your big sister Pacifica is going to make this ALLLLL better."

Tiara looked at her confused as Pacifica turned to face Applebloom. "Wow, Applebloom I didn't know you had it in you to be so vengeful to destroy all of Ponyville and leave your friends homeless just to spite an enemy." She says in her best AMAZED voice.

"Say, what now!?" Shouted Applebloom and everyone else. Pacifica just continued on, "True the Apples are richer. But Filthy Rich actually employees NON-family members, and his employee list is over 1/3rd of the town! He goes down, they all go down! And so do their families!"

Most of the Class gasps in horror and give Applebloom an accusatory glare. Not used to such contempt and anger directed at her Applebloom withered under the glares. "But- but- But I- How-

But Pacifica wasn't done yet, "And let's not forget the snowball effect these sort of thing has, I don't think anyone's forgotten how quickly the 'Taxi pony unemployment scare' escalated." The class shuddered, who could forget that!? "With so many people losing their jobs, they'll have to move to greener pastures, less ponies in town means less ponies to pay other ponies, so THEY'll get fired too. And so on and so forth until next thing you know- points at Scootalo -your aunts will go broke and have to sell your house, or ponyville lays off Rainbow Dash and she won't be able to afford to come her anymore or BOTH-"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Screams Scootalo.

Pacifica then points to Sweetie belle, "Of course your sister can hardly afford to stay in a town with declining clientele and economy so your gone too!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Screams Sweetie belle.

Both hurt fillies glare at Applebloom in tears, screams of 'How could you do this to us', and I thought we were friends' were quick to make Applebloom cry as well.

Pacifica was stunned, _"Wow, these ponies are REALLY easy to lead about."_ Indeed, Pacifica had been quick to learn as Celestia was forced to learn when dealing with her father that Ponies were so used to embodying honesty...they had a tendency to be completely and utterly fooled when anyone even half-way competent in such 'subtle' matters worked their 'magic'-

...

Far away, a certain blue unicorn pulling her caravan sneezed...

...

Pacifica knew she should be thrilled at how successful she was...but seeing those cute fillies cry...made her sad...she was just about to call it off-

Applebloom finally sighed in defeat and turned to a confused Tiara, "When do you want to get together to talk business?" She asked in resignation.

Tiara just gaped in disbelief...before Pacifica quickly takes over and makes the appointment for her. Silver Spoon wanders over, "Uh...what the buck just happened here?"

Tiara just scratched her head, "Uh...I don't know- "It's called social manipulation sweetie, I'll gladly teach it to you...but this was a one time thing. From now on you'll have to do your bullying yourself." Stated Pacifica flatly as both fillies looked at her in awe...

...

 **Gravity Falls doesn't have an anthem.**

 **We thought we had one, But we don't.**

 **We paid a short guy to write it, But we never saw him again.**

 **The tune we stole from the French. There's a few things they do well.**

 **Like making love, wine, and cheese Like Roquefort, Camembert and Bries.**

 **Gravity Falls, We're gonna to die! Gravity Falls, were scared, goodbye!**

The ponies just watched in disbelief as the humans pledged to their town's anthem. "What the buck kinda anthem was that?" Asked rainbow Dash. Twilight frowned, "Maybe... it's like the demotivational posters?" "Honestly, I'm starting to wonder if your whole project figuring out humans is a bit of a lost cause darling." Said Rarity, "Their just so...different from us." she said as delicate as possible.

Case in point they wandered passed the classrooms of the two remaining human teachers from the old 'regime'-

"Bonjour, you cheese eating surrender monkeys!" Shouts part-time french teacher/groundskeeper Willie.

Twilight sighed, "HE was the most competent teacher in the bunch." She admitted with distaste as she kept walking. Her friends just looked at her in disbelief.

Then they went past Martha Take-a-punch's home ec room.

"Okay, kids. Now I'm going to take the Casserole out of the oven." She dose just that. "Okay, it's a little burned. No reason to panic." Suddenly a very realistic car driving up to the curb noise was heard. She gasped. "Oh, no my husband Henry beat-wife is home early!"

"Wait, who now?" Asked a suddenly VERY confused and uncomfortable Applebloom.

Suddenly she made a good show of being frantic. "Let-Let's get some spices in here to fix this!" Suddenly another sound of the door being banged open. "Okay, he's inside the house. Let's-let's hope his meeting went well."

"Seriously, are we still making a dinner...or what? What's happening here?" Asked a baffled and slightly unnerved Sweetiebell.

"THAT MEETING WENT HORRIBLE!" Shouts a voice from outside. "Oh, boy." Groaned Martha. "What's that smell? DID YOU BURN DINNER AGAIN YOU STUPID PIG!?"

"Okay...now I'm confused and scared in ways I didn't even think possible!" Admitted Scootalo, and most of the ponies agreed.

"Okay kids! Put your heads down! Put your heads down! Don't come between me and your father you'll only make things WORSE!"

And thus...all the little colts and fillies were treated to the sight of a man brutally beating his wife.

 **ZAP!**

"You jerk! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO YOUR WIFE!?" Demanded Twilight.

"WAIT! STOP! IT WASN'T REAL! WE WERE JUST ACTING! I'M FINE!" Shouted Martha, sure enough her 'blood' and 'bruises' were just props and make-up.

Applejack comforted her tearful little sister as she glared at the two, "What in tarnation were you trying to teach!?" She demanded.

And thus the concept of 'domestic abuse' and 'unhappy marriages' were introduced to Equestria...

...

The mane 5 helped the traumatized children go home early, "Okay...more stuff to ask Dipper." Said Twilight as she jotted own some more things.

"Okay...sweetie...I think it be best if you just stopped this project now...I'm genuinely terrified what you'll uncover next." Admitted Rarity.

Applejack was deeply disturbed...when you married someone...you were in a happy, wonderful amazing partnership for life...that's how it always worked in Equestria...how could such a fundamental cornerstone of life as she knew it be false? She'd been having similar thoughts recently...and she did NOT like them.

They passed by Mrs. Cheerilie(who after dealing with the CMC considered humans a cake walk) room, doing fine as always...

While going by the hallway...they saw several ODD posters:

WELCOME TO THE MAW, STICK WITH HER AND YOU'LL NEVER GO HUNGRY AGAIN!

COME TO SILENT HILL COMMONWEALTH, YOU'LL NEVER WANT TO LEAVE!

WELCOME TO NEW LAS VEGAS; WHERE THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS YOUR HEART!

ALL THE SMOG IN YOUR FACE? COME JOIN PROJECT EXODUS IN SPACE!

RACOON CITY; SOCIETY HAS FAILED YOU! EMBRACE LAS PLAGAS!

APERTURE SCIENCE: CITY OF TOMORROW TODAY!

EXODUS HAS FAILED! JOIN THE UAC MARTIAN BASE INITIATIVE TO SURVIVE!

JOIN GOD'S 'TRUE' CHILDREN, JOIN COLUMBIA. THE 'TRUE' AMERICA!

"Between two groups of people who want to make inconsistent kinds of worlds, I see no remedy but force"- Oliver Wendel Holmes.

INTO THE CITY OF RAPTURE, ALL GOOD THINGS FLOW...will we see you here?

And then they reached the break room where dipper was having lunch, "Hey Dipper, you seen Fluttershy anywhere? She's been calling in sick since we discovered she was secretly singing to replace Big Mac's voice...that was a week ago, were kinda worried."

Dipper kept his face neutral, "Fluttershy wasn't feeling well...but I know for a fact that she'll be ready to come back soon." He says that last part a bit more upbeat.

Rainbow dash smirked, "Bet you can't wait to see that sweet flank of hers again, huh Dipper?" Teases Dashie.

Dipper flustered, "I keep telling you! THOSE WERE ACCIDENTS!"

...a week or so ago...

 **Find you got the music, got the music in you-**

Fluttershy hung on the fence post looking at the stage from afar...slowly swaying her flank to the music...tempting the universe-

 **SMACK!**

 **OH!**

Fluttershy squealed and flustered as something slapped her rear, she turns to see an equally mortified Dipper behind her.

"I- NO! There was a- I had to- I'm sorry, but- I SWEAR THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" he defended in an apologetic manner.

...

 **Find the music! Deep down in your heart-**

Fluttershy sang outside the school room, wildly swinging her rear in the air without a care in the world...once more tempting Murphy's law-

 **SMACK!**

 **OH!**

Once more fluttershy squealed...and once more she looked to see that an equally mortified Dipper had slapped her flank.

"Sorry- But no- I- There was a bee- I'M NOT DOING THIS ON PURPOSE!"

...

Fluttershy just hovered in horror as the audience gaped at her! She was exposed! Everyone was staring at her she-

 **SMACK!**

 **OH!**

Fluttershy looked down at a collapsed Dipper in disbelief, "H-how did you...I'm in mid-air!" She shouted confused and flustered.

Dipper just groaned, "I don't know Fluttershy...I just don't know."

...

Dashie chuckled, "Had a lot of accidents man...just saying."

Despite that uncomfortable situation The girls suddenly felt relived by Dipper's reassurance...they then immediately asked him some other questions.

Dipper groaned, "They did what?!" "Yeah, right in front of the crusaders!" Explained a horrified Twilight. Dipper rubbed his face annoyed, "Those idiots! What were they thinking?!"

"Wait...so...that really is a thing? Amongst, humans?" Dipper groaned again...but reluctantly nodded.

"That's horrible!" Shouted Applejack. "How can you possibly support such a horrible breach in traditional family-

"Applejack, I don't support it!"

Applejack was completely flummoxed, "wha?" But Dipper wasn't finished, "Of course I don't support a man beating his wife! What kind of monster do you take me for!?"

Applejack blushed, "Well, okay, when you put it like that-

"Wait, I thought you were against traditions?" Asked Rainbow Dash

"Oh, for the love of- I said I'm only against traditions that don't make sense! Traditional family values where a man DOESN'T beat his wife or children? Of course I'm not against that! In fact I hope that's one part of human culture that gets wiped out because of YOUR culture's influence!"

Rainbow just looked more baffled, "But you- Against- For- GAH!" She slammed her head on the lounge table. "Why do you humans have to make everything a hundred times more complicated!? My head hurts!"

While Dipper comforted her and gave her aspirin he had handy, Twilight asked him something that had been bugging her-

"Dipper...I saw some posters outside...would you mind explaining what they mean?" Twilight told him, Dipper nodded. "Right, for me to explain all that..it be best if I started with one poster...more importantly I tell you about a man...a man named Andrew Ryan."

...

A film projector began to count down...

Hello, Andrew Ryan here. I've come to ask you a question: Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? 'No!' says the man in Washington, 'It belongs to the poor.' 'No!' says the man in the Vatican, 'It belongs to God.' 'No!' says the man in Moscow, 'It belongs to everyone.' I rejected those answers; instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose... Rapture, a city where the artist would not fear the censor, where the scientist would not be bound by petty morality, Where the great would not be constrained by the small! And with the sweat of your brow, Rapture can become your city as well."

And thus the mane 5 were introduced to the sight of a glorious underwater city...Andrew Ryan continued to talk...as well as various other people...but the ponies were now more listening to Dipper as he explained what they were seeing: "Andrew Ryan, born 1911 in a village near Minsk. His family were made poor simply out of spite of their minority, they fled the country at a young age when their country fell to the bolsheviks-

" _My journey to Rapture was my second exodus. In 1919, I fled a country that had traded in despotism for insanity._ " Spoke a tape-recorder in Ryan's voice that Dipper had just activated.

"This...personal experience shaped Ryan's personal philosophy: "The modern world was created by great men who strove to make their own way. Any time "Parasites" gained control of such a world, they destroyed it."

"Wha- what dose that mean exactly?" Asked Twilight spellbound...their was something...enchanting about this Ryan's voice...that wanted her to know more.

But Dipper just continued, this was a subject he was fascinated by and thus- like Twilight had done in similar situations -developed a bit of a tunnel vision.

"He fled to my homeland- America -and rebuilt his fortune from nothing-

Applejack whistled, naturally impressed by that.

...then of course...

"For a time, Ryan was devoted to his adopted country, grateful for the wealth and fame it awarded his intellect and determination. However, the state-run social programs created in the 1930's increasingly tested that devotion. His experiences in the "worker's paradise" made Ryan despise the ideals of Socialism and Collectivism, as he believed that those who benefited undeservedly from others were "Parasites" (e.g. he considered Roosevelt and his "New Dealers" to be "spoon-feeding" Americans on the "Bolshevik Poison"). In Ryan's philosophy, one could only own what one earned—Ryan himself once owned a large forest as a personal retreat, one that many groups envied (one group told him that it "belonged to God," demanding that he establish a public park there). When the government attempted to nationalize it as parkland, Ryan's response was to burn it to the ground to deny it to the "Parasites".

Rarity gasped, "He burnt down a whole FOREST!?"

Dipper nodded, he then explained how Ryan's response was to use his entire fortune to build Rapture; a community where "the artist would not fear the censor, where the scientist would not be bound by petty morality, where the great would not be constrained by the small," in the only place he felt the "Parasites" could not touch—the depths of the Atlantic Ocean. When Rapture was completed, Ryan filled it with thousands of the world's best and brightest individuals.

the mane five naturally had mixed felling about that. Rarity, Applejack and Dash liked the idea of keeping the fruits of their hard work, Hard work being valued overall or being able to hone their crafts without restriction.

"Well I must admit that I have in the past, purely as an exercise of course, thought up designs that used materials that are frowned upon in polite society. (Pegasus and Griffin feathers, dragon scales, etc) to be able to use such things without fear, letting your creativity run wild. Why, that would be a dream." admitted Rarity with a dreamy expression.

"But...to NOT Help others when they need help...I'm all for people not taking credit for others hard work...but that's just going too far." Admitted Applejack, Dashie and Rarity nodded in agreement.

Pinkie doesn't like it at All. That didn't sound like a fun place and he sounds like he didn't care if anypony had fun as long as 'he' did.

Twilight of course agrees with a lot of it...but point's out several of the gaping holes such a philosophy has. How lack of oversight in anything like the market is a problem waiting to happen. She also can't help but note that a society that promotes self sufficiency- especially one were everyone only does what they want to -could easily lean into promoting selfishness.

-Not to mention such a society would only favor the rich and powerful...what about the people who help keep the society running? There has to be some pony to sweep up." Said Twilight unknowingly para-quoting a mighty villain...who in this universe never got the chance to shine...

Dipper nodded, "In any case, Ryan's original plan was to secretly close after Rapture from the rest of the world and leave it to rot-

"Which succeed, but he was undermined by a manipulative criminal mastermind, who debatably was better at Ryan's own philosophy then him, forcing him to become the very overbearing tyrants he despised and culminating into a civil war that tore his utopia apart!?" Guessed Pinkie Pie.

Dipper looked at her thoughtfully, "Uh...no. When so many influential, famous, and important people vanished from all over the globe- especially during the cold war tension...between Japan and the US(1)- the governments of the world panicked and immediately searched for answers."

"They did?!" Exclaimed Pinkie surprised.

Dipper shrugged, "Well, yeah- Getting suspicious and even worried over the sudden mass disappearance of so many businessmen, artisans, intellectuals, athletes and celebrities...that's just common sense, really.(2)"

Pinkie frowns, "I guess...that make sense...but it just doesn't sound like how it was SUPPOSED to happen." She explained. The girls looked at her confused...while Dipper just looked thoughtful and made a note of what Pinkie said and resolved to get more details from her later in private...

In any case, they found Rapture and tired to force Ryan to either be assimilated into their country or be arrested and have all his work confiscated. Naturally, Ryan choose to fight.

...Between Ryan's better leadership skills, Rapture's better technology, and the logistical nightmares involved in laying siege to a city UNDERWATER...every army that tried to fight them ended up completely broken down. Eventually, the fighting tapperd off...'Officially', they were still fighting...but no one was up for it anymore...and thus Rapture was left alone..."

The mane six were enthralled by Dipper's story telling, not only was he good at it...but he used various props( audio recordings, news-reels, newspaper clippings, etc). For great visual effects.

"Rapture was everything Ryan dreamed it would be: a paradise of freedom and prosperity. From 1946 to 1958, Rapture experienced tremendous economic progress, and solid political stability. As Ryan predicted, citizens in Rapture created a culture of entrepreneurship that was unrivaled, with numerous businesses established and unprecedented scientific advancements, including the discovery of ADAM by Brigid Tenenbaum."

Dipper then began to show the other posters, "Ryan's success inspired others, causing a second coming of 'manifest destiny'. Dozens of would-be-visionaries and radical thinkers declared independence from their own countries and tried to emulate Rapture...most attempts ended in complete disaster...very few gained the same prestige that Rapture did- He points to New Las Vegas, THE UAC MARTIAN BASE...and after some hesitation...Columbia.

"To be clear...I don't believe that a lot of his teachings are practical/moral...but I do believe in his concept's of hardwork, being entitled to what your hard work provides and man striving to find his own destiny...if not for that last concept...I probably would never have gotten back to Equestria- (chuckles) -I guess I indulged in some 'Manifest Destiny myself?"

Dipper let that last bit sink in...naturally most of everyone was just trying to absorb what they'd just learned...except Twilight, who wanted to learn MORE! So as always...Dipper gave her more books...

"Dipper, might I have a word with you?" Dipper turns to see Doctor Whooves enter the room. Dipper greets him and motions for him to continue. "Well, for some reason, everytime I wear my signature long and multi-colored scarf...every human hollers and scream Allons-y at me! Why are they shouting my catchphrase? ...And how'd they know my catchphrase in the first place?"

Dipper sighs, but nods and helps the good doctor toward a TV...and a LONG explanation...and even LONG-ER marathon...

...

"Your job isn't to be nice to them or give them what they want. Your job as a business man is to get as much money from them as possible. What separates you from afar is there handing it to you." Explains Stan as he has his class do a 'lesson' by maintaining the Shack.

Applebloom frowned, "That doesn't sound rig-

"Hey, who's the teacher here? You or me? Do you want an F?"

"NO!" Shouts Applebloom quickly, if she got bad grades Applejack wouldn't let her crusade anymore! "Then quit your yapping and go back to overpricing the merchandise!"

Scootaloo finds the courage to pip up, "Hey Mr Stan...if me and my friends become good enough business ponies...could we get our cutiemarks in that?" She asks excitedly.

Stan looks at her confused, "Cutie-mark? Wha-what is that some kinda disease?"

And so the Crusaders happily explain about Cutie marks and how they were striving to find there's!

The Crusaders waited for the inevitable 'how adorable' or 'good for you'-

"That is the STUPIDEST thing I've ever heard." Said Stan flatly. The Crusaders eyes popped open surprised, "Wait, what!?" They shouted.

"What, you just bow down to some magical- unknown whatchamacallit, and just blindly obey it?! What if you got yer butt mark for scrubbin' toilets?" The little foals looked at him baffled/horrified. "No I'm serious. What if ya got that tattoo on your thigh for doing something you hated?"

Wait- They don't work that way!" Interjects Applebloom, "It's more of 'when you find out who you are'. The marks come after the fact, they don't suddenly show up and tell you 'your destined to do this'." She explains

Stan shrugs, "Fine. I'll rephrase. What if you got it for doing something your good at, but don't like doing? Would you have to do that thing you hate for the rest of your life even when you'd much rather be doing something else?"

The class just looked at him stunned...

"YOUR OVERTHINKING THIS!" Shouts Pinkie Pie as she randomly pokes her head out from a random place-

 **CRACK!**

-Who a startled Stan immediately(again) punches out of reflex. "I was just shouting random things into the void!" Confesses a sobbing Pinkie as Stan apologizes to her...again.

Stan groans, then turns back to the class. "Look, bottom line: If I ever got a 'mark on my body from 'something'/'someone' I didn't know or understand that told me my destiny...I would do the exact opposite! No one tells Stan Pines what he can and can't do!" He then thinks for a second, "Unless it was a mark shaped like money or a hot babe, that I'd do!" He chuckles.

The foals meanwhile...their brains were basically doing a 'blue screen of death'...NOT obey one's cutie mark? How? Why? What?...

...latter...

"He said what?" Asked Applejack confused, they were currently back on the farm after Applebloom explained what Mr. Pines had said...

"Yeah...kinda...kinda confusing." Admitted a slightly disoriented Applebloom. Applejack was confused as well, she got that humans had no cutie marks...but to actively rebel against destiny? What was that about?

Applejack sighed, "I know I'm gonna regret this...but I guess I'll go get Twilight so we can learn more about this."

As Applejack trotted away, Applebloom remembered the earlier revelations given by Pacifica several days ago.

"Wait, Applejack! Why'd you never told me we were rich- Suddenly Applebloom found her mouth hastily covered by Big mac. Applejack, caught up in her own thoughts. Didn't notice and left the farm-

Applebloom looked at Big Mac confused, "Wha- Ah know that were rich. Granny knows that. Every other apple knows that, and now you know that. But Applejack 'refuses' ta know that!" Says Mac with a very out of character large amount of words.

Granny also steps in the discussion, "That girl just won't get it in her head that were not a cats whisker away from sellin' the farm. If ya tell her about all them other pies the family has their hoof in, why she'd insist on takin' that onto her shoulders as well. The girls a dang good farmer. The best I've seen since my pa. But numbers and actually counting money she can't see in front of her, well that's Big Mac's strength...outside of his strength obviously."

So both of them made a still very confused Applebloom swear not to tell her sister this...

...

"But Mr. Soos why don't you just use REAL cows?" Asked Buttons as he and several other foals were doing 'extra credit' From Stan by letting themselves get painted as cows for a new exhibit at the Mystery Shack.

Soos shrugs, "cows don't look like cows on film. We need ponies." "Well what if you need something that looks like a pony?" Asks Silver Spoon. Soos shrugs again, "we usually just tape a bunch of cats together." He confessed.

Behind him, the mane 6(minus a still absent Fluttershy) went up to the shack. Like Applebloom, Sweetie belle and Scootalloo had told their respective sister- figures about what Stan had said...and their curiosity had naturally spread to the rest of the group. Which of course lead to Dipper...

...

Dipper panted as he briefly got the pentagram he'd surrounded himself to glow. He was about to go for another round...when the door knocked. "Hello? Dipper? Are you in there?" Asked Twilight.

Dipper quickly hide away all the ritual items before answering. The girls quickly gave their queries.

Dipper nodded, "Well, what you have to understand. While ponies seem to love and thrive under authority. Humanity tends to rebel against it. Since the garden of Eden, we've HATED being told what we can and can't do. To have limits placed on us...sounds a bit childish, I know. But I like to think it's helped our development. A stubborn refusal to bow to the whims of the world and tradition, of refusing to give in to what others would call 'impossible'...well, how is that not a good thing? If I hadn't done that...well, we wouldn't even be having this conversation, now would we?"

Applejack just looks at him stunned...before shaking her head, "That's...all well and good Dipper." She concedes reluctantly, "But don't you think-

"Speaking of which, I read a forum about how the guy in the game I'm playing is the poster boy of 'screw destiny'... What dose that mean?" Interrupts Pinkie suddenly.

Twilight looks at he baffled, "What are you talking about Pinkie?"

The guy in the awesome videogame! The kratos guy who you use to hit stuff and make colorful red streamers come out of their body and do quick-time events to help multiple-girls do yoga!" Says the adorably innocent Pinkie Pie.

...Naturally not wanting to crush that innocence, Dipper simply decided to just answer her question

"Yeah I know about all about him. How he smashed, slaughtered and carved his way across the ancient world. Ruining countless lives in the name of revenge." He Turns to Pinkie. "Those games you played, God of War? That game is almost completely accurate to the myths."

Pinkie GASPS! "You mean people back then had health bars and quicktime events!?"

Dipper just looked at her blankly "...I did say almost. Back in ancient times, 'heros' weren't the likes you see in comic books or modern stories. Hero was a nominal term that could go to anyone who could swing a sword well enough, and was only 'good' by virtue of being less evil than the ones they fought against- int his case the Greek pantheon"

Applejack frowned, "wait...how could he be a hero...AND evil?" Such terms were completely contradictory!...weren't they?

Dipper shrugged, "He wasn't exactly evil either Applejack. The Greek gods were, as a TV show once put it 'petty and cruel'. They'd curse mortals horribly for the slightest offense. They'd curse you for being better at anything than them. Wipe out civilizations in the equivalent of a tantrum. For breaking rules they old no one about. And in one case cursed a woman to be a snake monster with a cockatrice's stone stare because she dared to be beautiful and was- Dipper hesitated on how to word this -'attacked' in one of their temples."

Rarity gaped, "But, but, but by the sound of it that wasn't her fault!"

Dipper sighed, "The gods in those stories didn't care. Mortals were things to them. If Medusa had been assaulted outside her temple the goddess wouldn't have done anything. Like I said. Kratos was horrible, but the Greek Gods were a league above him."

Pinkie frowned, "Wait...if Kratos was so bad...why is he so popular?"(3)

Dipper shrugged, "One reason is that after Krato's quest for vengeance completely destroyed ancient Greece and threw it into an anarchy...a Young Alexander took advantage and conquered the known world, out of gratitude. He made Kratos the patron god of the new Greek Empire. But more importantly, although everyone (including me) sees him as a monster...we admire how a mortal man defied fate, killed the supposedly invincible gods and ascended to godhood."

Twilght frowned, her head- like her friends - was swimming, frantically trying to make sense of all that that they were hearing. "That's interesting...but what dose this have to do with you not liking cutie marks?"

Dipper sighed, he'd been hoping to NEVER bring this up: "look don't get me wrong, I'm glad your happy with your life...but doesn't it bother you at all? That you know nothing about where cutie marks come from? How their picked, and all that. Doesn't it bother you at all that your leaving your destiny into the hands of some unknown force you know nothing about? I mean, how do you know whatever gave your marks has your best interests at heart or know what it's doing?

He left this question in the air...his pony friends...were stunned...

Pinkie opened and closed her mouth several times, "...I...well...I mean...okay, I don't like this question anymore..." She admitted uncomfortably.

Dashie just rubbed her head annoyed. "I- You- What is with you humans and overthinking everything!? It's...REALLY bumbing me out!"

Applejack nodded, "Yeah! What is wrong with you humans? Why can't you just be happy for the good fortune that lies in front of you?! I mean if you got like a...journal cutie mark...or scienc-ie, explory cutie mark...wouldn't you be happy?"

Dipper glared, "No, I'd immediately quarantine myself from my friends and loved ones and experiment on myself to make sure I wasn't bombed, cursed, or anything else that could kill anyone I care about.

The mane six have no idea how to respond...

Rarity coughed nervously, "Um...you don't really trust people...do you Dipper?" She said in a nervous joke.

Dipper sighed, "No...but I DO trust you guys." He says reassuringly

Twilight found her voice again, "...Well...then won't you trust us about Cutie marks being safe?" She asked in a pleading voice.

Dipper groaned, "First of all Twilight, trusting you and trusting a strange otherworldly force that neither of us know about or two different things-

"They are?" Asked Pinkie confused.

Dashie rubbed her head as another headache appeared, "Why? Why must you make things so complicated!?" Twilight, meanwhile dips her head down sadly.

-that being said, between my trust in you and the fact I've not seen anything to suggest anything but benevolent intent...I am willing to give it the benefit of a doubt." Finished Dipper with a smile that immediately perks Twilight up.

Dipper then turns to Dashie, "While your here...I think we should talk about your coaching techniques, your students are threatening to sue you for all their medical bills."

Dashie groaned, "Oh, come on! Manly Dan likes my classes!"

...meanwhile...

"A punching bag that fights back? I LOVE IT!" Shouts Manly Dan as he punches some more Storm clouds...

...

...latter that night...Twilight can't sleep. She stares at the ceiling...question- that she was sure that if Dipper had never brought up...she would've NEVER considered -tormenting her.

"Where DO cutie marks come from?" She asked finally. Not knowing what else to do... Twilight(once again) writes a letter to Celestia asking for help in the matter...and her concerns over the points Dipper made...

...

Celestia let out a sigh she felt that she'd been holding in for centuries.

It has been a long time since she thought along the same Lines. When she first got her cutie mark she'd been happy. Rising and setting the sun had been in order to do and everyone around her looks so happy to see you do it...

Yet it soon reached the point where she realized ponies were expecting her to do it. It wasn't something they all shared a duty in...no no, it was hard, Sharp and her job alone to move the sun. If another Pony came along with a sun Mark then maybe they could do it, but since none came it was exclusively her job.

A pony with an apple Mark worked with apples. A pony with a music mark was in some way musical. That was the way it worked. Dipper had been right that a mark could be interpreted any number of ways. But if a unicorns cutie mark was a baseball, no pony as going to let them teach spell theory at Canterlot academy no matter how smart they were, because no one would take them seriously as anything but a p.e teacher.

She knew that pony's on a whole were happy knowing their talents and destiny's...but she admitted she felt uncomfortable at the idea of some unknown force forcing it upon them and slotting everyone into place like a jigsaw. Where everyone 'needs' to be instead of where they 'choose', 'truly' choose to be.

This isn't something she would have considered before. Before the humans and their utter hatred of the ideas of fate and destiny. Or the horrifying notions of lack of freedom and the train of thought that choice didn't truly exist.

Horrifying...but perhaps a long awaited as needed kick in the plot. Humans didn't just accept 'because' as an answer. Cutie marks had been little studied as a magic branch since Starswirl(come to think of it...after his disappearance...Cutie marks became MORE common...before, they only appeared on the most exceptional and most powerful of ponies who'd committed great deeds...huh, something to look into as well), they merely were and ponies accepted. If a pony came along with anymore understanding of how one worked then what they taught in a single lesson in school, they would be quite unprepared.

...That changes now...Literally now...She was a princess after all.

And like that...she began to write letters to the most learned minds in Equestria...fortunately most of them were all currently staying in Ponyville or Gravity Falls...

...

"And that's how you guys can use magic to grow facial hair!" Many people(mostly the boys) applauded Twilight and Dipper's demonstration. Dipper smiled at Twilight, "You see Twilight? You and I might be happy to learn for the sake of learning. But others...you need to take a different approach."

Twilight had to fight back a bit of a blush when he smiled at her, "Uh...thank you Dipper. I appreciate it." Dipper nodded, "Right let's wrap this lesson up, we don't want to be late for Fluttershy's surprise!"

...

Fluttershy took a small peek from behind the curtains...seeing all the people there...once more she froze up and whimpered...and then a comforting hand came on her should. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to." Said Dipper in a reassuring way.

Fluttershy flustered at this...as she remembered how Dipper comforted her...

...a couple days ago...

 _Fluttershy whimpered and sobbed as Dipper held her tight, "It...it was all so horrible! For THAT to happen! Right after...with the stage and the singing...and everyone staring at me! They must think I'm such a weirdo!"_

 _"Fluttershy! Don't say that! If anything...I'm the weirdo...everyday I'm thankful that someone as amazing as you let's me be their friend..."_

 _Fluttershy just looks at him amazed...and like that...the background music begins...Dipper sighs...but rolls with it as the inevitable heartsong begins..._

 **When you were here before**  
 **Couldn't look you in the eye**  
 **You're just like an angel**  
 **Your skin makes me cry**  
 **You float like a feather**  
 **In a beautiful world**  
 **I wish I was special**  
 **You're so fucking special**

 **But I'm a creep**  
 **I'm a weirdo**  
 **What the hell am I doing here?**  
 **I don't belong here**

 **I don't care if it hurts**  
 **I want to have control**  
 **I want a perfect body**  
 **I want a perfect soul**  
 **I want you to notice**  
 **When I'm not around**  
 **You're so fucking special**  
 **I wish I was special**

 **But I'm a creep**  
 **I'm a weirdo**  
 **What the hell am I doing here?**  
 **I don't belong here**

 **Oh, oh**

 **Whatever makes you happy**  
 **Whatever you want**  
 **You're so fucking special**  
 **I wish I was special**

 **But I'm a creep**  
 **I'm a weirdo**  
 **What the hell am I doing here?**  
 **I don't belong here**  
 **I don't belong here**

 _Fluttershy just looks at him stunned...and gives him a big hug..._

...

Fluttershy shakes her head, suddenly more determined. "No...it's fine. Just...you'll stay with me?" Dipper smirks, "Always." And together...they go out on the stage...and as one sing their heart out to an appreciative crowd...

...

Fluttershy, desperate to get away from the adoring crowd, wanders off to get a drink from one of those new 'Northwest vending machines' to get a drink. _"Affordable snacks and drinks in public areas...what an age to live in."_ Thought Fluttershy as she received her drink, as she gulped she thought about the girls offer of her singing more often.

 _"Hmmm...ordinarily I'd be frightened...but if Dipper was at my side-_ Fluttershy felt her cheeks redden while thinking her friends name - _I...I don't think I'd mind."_

She takes another swig as Blubs and Durland walk by, "Gotta say...I'm glad that Jellybean guy is dead...Dang, he was creepy!" Durland nodded as he closed the autopsy report...oblivious that a single paper and photo had fallen out...and landed by Fluttershy's hooves.

Fluttershy did a spit-take! It was him! The man that attacked her in the restroom after she ran from the stage! The REAL reason it took her so long to recover!

 _"I...but...how...Wait...Dipper...Dipper said he'd...'take care of it'...could...could it be...could he-_ Then she saw the paper...clearly stating that the cause of death was natural causes through a heart attack.

The young Mare let out a sigh of relief, _"What was I thinking? As if Dipper would ever hurt a fly! (heh, heh.) I can be so silly sometimes."_ And thus she tosses the paper behind her back without a second thought...the paper flipped over mid-air and landed in a nearby outdoor grill...the last thing to burn up was a sticky note on the back that Fluttershy hadn't seen-

 **Man had a reliable computerized pacemaker...was it hacked?**

...meanwhile...

"Welcome class to Mable's guide to tea-parties! I- Wait, where you going? Come back!" Shouts Mable as all the fillies and colts just roll their eyes and walk out of her class...again.

Mable...felt tears well up...She briefly considered Dipper's option to help her like he helped Rainbow and Twilight. "NO! Dipper's the expert on nerd things! I'M THE EXPERT ON UNICORNS! HE HATED UNICORNS UNTIL HE CAME HERE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" She shouted stubbornly as she stormed off...

Mable class

...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **1: Yeah, no cold war in this AU..more a pacific war where The Japanese Empire survived...but who cares?**

 **2: ...I know the designers were just too busy focusing on making the game good to consider it...but come on, in real life...there would've been a mass-manhunt for Ryan and all the people he convinced to go with him.**

 **3: In this AU Kratos replaced Hercules on earth as the 'most popular demi-god', even getting his own Disney movie!**

 **AN: the above is a parody of 'Springfield's anthem' from the Simpsons Movie**

 **AN: The above song is 'Creep' by 'Radiohead'**

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	15. Chapter 15

**Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 15**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

 **ANNOUNCEMENT!**

 **I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!**

 **SUMMARY:**  
 **On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!**

 **The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publishing company. It's also now available at Amazon and BarnesandNoble  
**

...

 **AN: this chapter was collaborated with wolvenstrom**

...

Dipper turns to his class- a mixture of Foals and adults - "Now remember people, 'self-defense' isn't some fancy dance or something used to make you look 'cool'...it's a life-or-death struggle. If possible, just hit them, yell and run- preferably toward a crowded area."

"...but that sounds boring...and cowardly. I'm no chicken, I want to fight like a hero!" Shouts Sweetiebelle, as her crusader friends nodded.

Dipper glared down at her, "Oh, sure. 'She ran into battle like an idiot, but she died a COOL hero!' Yeah, that'll be a GREAT comfort to your friends and family as their crying over your corpse!" He spat at her angrily.

Sweetie gasped at this...and sobbed. Diamond Tiara was about to make some snide remarks- But they died in her throat with one nasty look from Dipper.

He hugs Sweetie, "I'm sorry that I had to yell at you...but your a good kid with a great future ahead of her...and if I have to ruin your day to make sure you live a long and happy life with your friends and family...then I'm going to keep doing it...do you understand?"

Sweetie sniffs...but nods..."I think so." Indeed Dipper NEVER BS'd the crusaders about important things- unlike most adults -he gave them the cold hard facts...always being tough...but fair...no matter how much it hurt...

Steeling herself for Dipper's next lesson, they quickly patched things up and went to work, "Next lesson...the difference between a protagonist and a hero...no offense to your sisters- their awesome at being heroes- ...but I'd rather recommend being a protagonist...they live longer..."

...latter...

You wanted to see me Rarity?" Asked Dipper as he entered her Boutique. "Er...yes...were kinda concerned about the...'assignments' you've been assigning to Sweetie and her friends." Said Rarity awkwardly...

...SEVERAL DAYS AGO...

 _"AH!" (STATIC) "WHAT'S HAPPENING!?" (STATIC) "JUST ROW!" "!YNITSED RUOY RETNE !nerdlihc ,htuom ym retnE" Shouts the giant floating head as it chased the Crusaders rowboat..._

...Several MORE days ago...

 _The dozen or so alien fish inside 'Lefty' gasp as the Crusaders stared at them, "We're blown, shut it down! Shut it down!" "The time has come!" The time has come, brother!" "I can't! I have a family!" "You signed the oath!"_

 _Sweetie quickly used her magic to levitate the fish that was refusing to swallow away from the robot before it self-destructed._

 _"Wow, that was crazy! ...Did those rocks they swallowed teleport them far away as they were falling unconscious?" Asked Applebloom._

 _The tiny fish guy looked at the three innocent fillies. "Uh...sure...let's go worth that." He said simply..._

...Even MORE days ago...

 _All three of the Crusaders looked at the smoking crater that once had the All-knowing Mailbox in the middle of no-where._

 _"...In hindsight, we shouldn't have let Pinkie Pie use it." Admitted Applebloom to the Camera between coughing out soot._

...

"What's wrong with that? They solved the giant heads marital problems, made contact with an alien race, and learned how to turn water to wine. I thought you'd be proud...especially considering that's only the tip of the iceberg of all they've accomplished recently." Stated Dipper.

"Yes about that...don't you think your giving them too many assignments? More importantly...DANGEROUS assignments?"

Dipper sighed, "Rarity, these are all OPTIONAL extra credit assignments...I'm not forcing them to do them. Shoot, the first one was more of a joke then anything...the Crusaders are literally the only one's doing this...I'm so proud of them...why can't you be?"

Rarity frowned unsure, "Riiiiight...well, maybe you have a point there...but another thing...don't you think your...straying a BIT from your classes curriculum?" She said in the most delicate way possible...

...Earlier that week...

 _The rest of the class- minus the crusaders who were too busy taking diligent notes - stayed far away from the cage, where the monster Dipper found in the - increasingly even more scarier then even Everfree Forest -Gravity Falls forest was snarling and thrashing._

 _"Your basic Arachnid Warrior isn't too smart. But you can blow off a limb-_

 _ **BANG!**_

 _ **SPLAT!**_

 _ **GAH! I GOT IT'S BLOOD ALL OVER ME!**_

 _-And it's still 86% combat effective. So here's a tip: Aim for the nerve stem, and put it down for good-_

 _ **BANG!**_

 _The rest of the class panicked...but the curious and amazed crusaders simply kept watching and taking notes...  
_

...

"What? I'm teaching self-defense. Your really going to tell me that learning to defend yourself against the monsters that lie in the woods ISN'T a good idea?"

Rarity sighed, she knew that Dipper was right...it's just...ponies just didn't like to think about 'dangerous' things, they'd rather focus on being happy...that's what made them ponies really. After the whole thing with Nightmare Moon they LITERALLY hadn't given her or the Elements of Harmony a second thought. In fact...Rarity was actually glad that Celestia took the elements for safekeeping...give her her fashion and high-society over life or death situations any day!

But these humans...they seemed to like to focus on such matters almost exclusively! It boggled the mind!

"In any case, I've been meaning to talk to you. I have some ideas for dresses-

Dipper immediately had Rarity's full attention, although Dipper had made it clear that he wasn't really 'into' fashion. He'd learned a lot of it for her sake, more importantly he'd been great for bouncing ideas off! Such out of the box thinking...it was so very 'Avant Garde!'

"I was thinking- and try not to take this the wrong way -I can't help but feel your not taking full advantage of the fact you have magic in regards to your fashion."

"Why whatever do you mean darling? I use it to do the work of twenty mares in half the time!" She states confused while levitating everything in her workshop to emphasize her point.

Dipper nods, "Don't get me wrong...that's a good start. But I was thinking of something MORE." He pulls out the personal journal(distinguishable from the one he found in Gravity Falls thanks to the pine tree on the cover) that filled with ideas in the four years he'd been away of what he'd do when he got back to his friends. He quickly turned to a specific page.

"What's that?" Asks Rarity as she interrupts Dipper and points to something in his journal. "Wha- Oh, that's the periodic table, it lists the scientific elements-

 _"Huh...why do I feel like I've seen that before?"_ Thinks Rarity...these thoughts are derailed when Dipper gets to the page he wanted-

"You want me to use magic to weave FIRE into the fabric!?" She exclaims in disbelief. It was insane! Crazy!...and yet...COULD it be done?

...she'd have to consult Twilight...but if Dipper was right...she'd go down in history as the most daring fashionista EVER!...and that wasn't even his only idea!

"Oh, thank you darling!" She gives Dipper a light peck on the cheek...much to his... _enjoyment_...

...

The Cutie mark Crusaders and their classmates climbed into Thompsons car as they went on yet another of Wendy's 'classes'. "Still can't believe your getting paid for this." Admitted Tambry in both jealousy/amazement as she steps aside to let Bon-Bon and Lyra inside.

Wendy shrugged, "Hey Celestia is more busy with her country then anything, all the dancing is a completely legit P.E. activity -trust me, I checked- and really as long as one of my classmates learn one thing about friendship each week...Wendy smirks evilly..."Well, she can't pull my funding without breaking her own law OR pulling Twilight's funding as well-

...meanwhile...

Celestia banged her head on her throne, "HOW!? How could a law I put in place to promote FRIENDSHIP possibly have come back to bite me in the flank!?" She cried out in bewilderment as she looked once more at the 100,000$ bill -that she would now have to LEGALLY by obligated to PAY!- For Mr. Pines 'expenses' for teaching CHILDREN how to 'Burglebeezle'...again, completely legal for him to ask for it since one of the colts wrote a friendship report about making friends with a local pick-pocket scallywag that Stan brought in for 'practice'.

And Celestia couldn't even RENOUNCE the law that stated that the only requirement for such 'projects' of hers was one lesson in friendship per week! Not without leaving Twilight penniless!(in hindsight, she should've made time to teach Twilight personal finance... instead of just paying for everything she needed).

Not knowing what else to do...her sister simply hugged her saying 'there, there'.

...

Wendy gives all the cute foals some snacks and drinks...then noticed that Scootaloo seemed down, "Hey, buddy. What's wrong? She asked concerned

Scootalo groans, "I'm sick and tired of Ms. Mable 'classes', she treats us like were brain dead babies! Who only think of giggling, tea parties, playing dolls, and braiding our mane's!"

Soos turns to Scotaloo, "To be fair, a lot of people still think that. I personally blame the unfair and biased portrayal of equestrian-sapiens in our media as being representatives of femininity."

Scootaloo gives Soos a weird look, "Have you been talking to Sweetie Soos? Also, when did you get here?"

"He said that the human world stories has ponies being considered super girly!" Interrupted Sweetie suddenly.

Soos nodded, "Bingo. Mable's like crazy unic...pega...non specific pony mad. She's like, hardwired to think of you as she's always seen in books and on TV. You need to show her that your just like, regular dudes and dudettes with interesting backstories and interests beyond being pink, fluffy and dancing on rainbows."

...

Smash cut to Pinkie wearing a party hat as a unicorn and doing just that...

Rainbow Dash just looks at all this baffled, "You spent all those bits on a portable Rainbow Machine so you could do...this?"

Pinkie Pie smiled with closed eyes, "I thought if I did it long enough, it would get played out and the song would leave my head Heeheehee."

Pinkie's eyes crack open, suddenly in Rainbow Dashes face, and her voice suddenly very scary and legion (multi layered) like. "It hasn't." She stated simply.

Cut back to Pinkie continuing to dance on the rainbow... Rainbow Dash fly's back slowly...

...

"To answer your other question: Stan sent me to see what 'friendship report' your using to justify your 'class' today to make sure he doesn't write the same thing." Explained Soos... "Also, if you could give me an idea for one so I can justify the expense of all those computers I burnt out-

"I told you not to fix that toaster man, you stink at that." Said Wendy with a shrug, but she whispers an idea to him anyway...and then tries to think of one for herself.

"Right...think bogus after school special...OH! I know! 'Dear Princess Celestia...today we learned that it's important to step back and do what our FRIENDS want, not what we want. That way everyone feels happy, special, appreciated and we get to experience something new and wonderful!'" Said Wendy in her most sickeningly sweet mocking voice.

The other teens all laughed at that. Applebloom frowns at that...she's about to protest when-

"Hey Applebloom, where do you want to go? As my FRIEND, I'm letting you decide the destination tonight." Said Wendy suddenly in sincere good humor. Suddenly, all thoughts of protest vanish from the little filly, this was a golden opportunity!

"Well...me and the crusaders had a theory we wanted to- "Is there food and entertainment there?" Interrupted Robbie suddenly, Applebloom considered this for a second... "I think so, but the most important thing to focus on is-

"Don't care! Food and entertainment! Good enough for me!" Interrupts Robbie, the teens heartily agree and they quickly stow the foals inside the car before Applebloom can say anything else.

The Crusaders tries to buckle up- "ep! What are you doing? Take a load off sweetie! In Wendy's class the only rules are there are no rules, live life like it was a party, and who cares if the rules aren't consistent?" Said Wendy with a chuckle

The crusaders looked at her astonished...but slowly they did as she asked and unbuckled... "Whoa...I feel like such a rebel." Chuckled Scootalo.

Wendy nodded, "Stick with me kids, let's see what more rules we can break! Now let's hit this city!" Shouts Wendy as she guns the motor.

"WOO-HOO!" Shouts everyone in the car as they tore out of the school parking lot-

 **BANG!**

 **OW!**

Cried the crusaders as the sudden pothole caused them to slam their heads against the dashboard, "GAH! GUYS! ARE YOU OKAY!?" Shouts Wendy and the other teens concerned. The Crusaders try to stay tough...but they can't help but cry a little.

"Okay, forget what I said a moment ago! I was an idiot! Everyone put on their seatbelts! NOW!" Demands Wendy in panic/concern. Everyone quickly obliges as the teens quickly fuss over the crusaders to make sure they're alright.

Robbie is half-way through getting a medical kit, when he pauses. "Wait...I'm showing compassion and concern...for little kids?...is this what being a parent feels like?"

Wendy frowns..."Uh...I guess so?" She asked in amazed realization.

Robbie frowns, "Wow...I owe my parents SOOOO many apologies...this sucks." He groused...

While everyone did this and that...Sweetie can't help but remember earlier when she talked about her concerns about Mable's 'class' with her sister Rarity and her friends...

 _"I wonder what happened with tha- Eh, it probably went fine..."_ Thought Sweetie Dismissively as the teens were finally satisfied they were fine and started up the trip again...to the 'Dusk 2 Dawn'...

...

Meanwhile, Applejack wiped the sweat off her brow. _"Whew! It took me 8 hours...but I'm FINALLY nearly done!"_ Thinks Applejack as he looks over the large order of apples she single-hoofidly bucked and harvested.

With only a couple more barrels left to make the shipment complete, Applejack decides to take a brief apple fritter brake. She briefly thinks to the whole 'Mable' situation...no two ways about it...those siblings were as different as night and day! When the crusaders had come to them for help, they'd already had concerns of their own... constantly chasing foals- true, she no longer set people on fire, but she should know better then to think other foals wouldn't still be scared of her because of that! - for hugs, treating ponies like infants, licking their necks- seriously, who did that!?

In any case her uncle- Who Applejack was beginning to have a VERY low opinion of -was doing NOTHING to curb her behavior! If anything...he seemed to encourage it! He even seemed to give more chores to Dipper then Mable!

 _"Now hold on their Applejack...whatever he's doing...it's clearly an internal-family issue, AND he's the elder of his family...you gotta respect that he knows what he's doing in concerns of his family- not anything else though, man was clearly a con-artist! After all, how many times have you heard people ridicule Granny Smith's 'technique' on getting Zap-Apple's harvested? Only for her to get the last laugh everytime!?"_

Applejack nodded to herself happily. In any case, The mane Six had finally decided to do something about it. They'd sent a letter to Mable -under the guise of asking for a 'Teacher-Sister Conference' -to finally talk to her about their concerns. This week was pretty hectic, so they'd asked her to schedule it for next week-

 **SLURP!**

 **GAH!**

Cried out a startled Applejack as something wet and unsavory slapped her neck, "HELLO!" Shouts Mable in her ear, having licked her neck and savoring the taste of apple.

"What in tarnatio- Mable, what on earth are you doing here?!" Demands Applejack. "Why I'm here to meet with you, like you said in the letter!" Applejack looks at her baffled, "Wha- Mable didn't you read the part where this week was no good?"

"Yes, but that's silly! This week is perfect for me! I have nothing but time for my pony friends!" Exclaims Mable in a way that was meant to be reassuring.

Applejack hoof-palmed her face in disbelief, "Mable, we meant this week wouldn't be a good time for US to- She shook her head mid-sentence, "You know what? Never mind, it's actually a good time. I'm nearly done with my chores. You just wait here 5 minutes and I should be-

But Mable wasn't there anymore, "Wait, where did she-

"BEEP! BEEP! Hey Applejack I'm a cowgirl too!" Applejack turns around and sees Mable fooling around with the tractor. "Mable, get down from there! We just bought that tractor, it's still in gear and it was a heap expensive!" Shouts Applejack as she gallops toward her.

But Mable wasn't paying attention...she was distracted by the shiny thing. "Cool! What's this do?" Asks Mable as she strokes the ignition. "NOW DON'T YOU MESS WITH THAT YOUNG LADY!" Shouts Applejack frantically as she tries to jump at her.

Mable see's this, starts the ignition and screams out of there! "CATCH ME IF YOU CAN SUCKER!" Shouts an ever playful Mable...right as she smashes through the trees!

"GAH! OUR CROP!" Screams Applejack as she chases after her! "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPERS!" Laughs Mable as she knocks over the water tower. "SLOW DOWN YOU MANIAC!" Shouted Applejack as she watches in horror as whole swathes of the orchard is knocked down...and then right in her path...all the apple baskets that Applejack painstakingly collected the entire day-

"NO! NOT OUR SHIPMENT! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOU-

 **SPLAT!**

Applejack didn't notice an oblivious Mable's laughing...or her smashing down the gate and driving into town...all she saw was the ruin of all her hardwork...and the feel of her teeth grinding together in rage...

...

"A haunted convenience store? Uh...I don't know." Asked Wendy conflicted, under different circumstances she'd probably have just laughed that old urban legend off...under the current circumstances that sees her in a magical fantasy land with talking, magical ponies? Not so much... "Were trying to test if Pinkie's 'laughing' technique will work on Earth ghosts." Explained Applebloom. "And maybe get our ghost busting Cutiemarks!" Shouts Scootaloo excitedly. "CUTIEMARK CRUSADERS FOREVER!" They shout as they run on in excited.

"What!? NO! Guys, come back! It's too dangerous- Oh, wow. I'm REALLY seeing things through my dad's eye's here...this trip sucks." She groans as she both runs after them and calls Dipper for backup.

...

Rarity had...MIXED feelings seeing Mable drop in so suddenly- especially when she licked her neck without warning - "I can't believe we haven't hung out before!" Exclaimed Mable happily, "I guess I was too busy trying to hug those cute fillies- WOW, THEIR SO CUTE! -Anyway, so your a pony who likes fashion? I like fashion! We already have so much in common! Were going to be great friends I know it! Not surprising really; if Dipper was able to be friends with you, then they'll have to come up with a whole new word for how close will be!" Shouts Mable, energetically and without stop as she bounces all over the place.

Rarity was a bit overwhelmed, but fortunately she was...SOMEWHAT used to it thanks to Pinkie...although- "Wait, what was that last thing with Dipper?" Asked Rarity suddenly.

And then Mable went on another little happy hyperactive vent about how if her nerdy 'Bro-Bro' could get so many ponies as his friend, she the pony 'expert' would have no trouble!

Rarity frowned at that, "First of all, I think your being rather unfair to your brother. He's been doing quite well for himself, and when the chips are down I know I can rely on him. Second, concerning your so-called 'expertise' I can't help but comment-

Suddenly her front door popped open as a random pony popped his head in, "Rarity! Come quick! A couple minutes ago some crazy smashed up main street with a tractor! We need all the help we can get!"

Neither noticed Mable trying to play innocent as he mentioned the 'crazy', Rarity turned to Mable. "Alright Mable, I need to help with this... can you do me a huge favor? I have a huge order I need to finish for one of my most important clients- She quickly uses her magic to levitate a pen and paper to write instructions -I've gotten most of the 'heavy lifting' taken care of already, so if you follow these instructions you SHOULD have it done before I get back."

Rarity was actually glad to be away from Mable to be honest...she couldn't quite put her finger on it...but there was something oddly familiar about Mable...like from a dream...or nightmare...

Mable just nodded as Rarity left, she then skipped to Rarity's room. "Oh, I wonder who she's making the dresses for? Maybe it's for a fairy! Or a princess! Or a fairy princess... in SPACE!" Shouts Mable excitedly as she throws open the door...and sees a hundred cardigans?

"Wait, what?! What is this? where's the gowns, dresses and novelty sweaters?!" Demanded Mable confused. "This is boring and nerdy!...I know! I'll help make them awesome again!" She shouted confidently as she tossed the instructions aside to do her own thing. "Rarity is going to be so surprised that I help her!"

...1 hour later...

Oh, she was surprised alright. After FINALLY clearing up the wreckage, she found a note on her door, 'Dear Rarity; ran out of glitter. Went out to get more. Love Mable!'

"What? Why on earth would she need glitter for all those Cardigans I'm making for the Teachers union ball?" She opened the door, "My instructions clearly said-

She turned deathly pale...her order...her order was ruined! It was like a hyperactive 5-year-old had ripped everything to pieces, sown them back together at random, colored them in with markers, and dumped fifty tons of glitter and glue on it all!

Rarity glared and ground her teeth together, say what you will about Pinkie Pie...at least she never ruined anything that was important to her! _"Dipper, sweetie...your very important to me...but I think I might just leave you as an only child tonight!"_ She shouts to herself angrily!

...

 **NO!**

Shrieks PA ghost at Dipper as he negatively comments on putting on the Lamby suite, "Now dear don't be like that!" Chastised his ghost wife, "It's always nice for young men to want to be treated with responsibility...it's certainly better than the disrespectful brats who never want to grow up and have 'any' of it at all." To this her husband could only nod.

...

"-Dear Princess Celestia, I'm concerned about the current situation with the ecosystem around Ponyville. It was bad enough that the more vicious 'normal' Earth animals were hurting and pushing out Equestrian animals from their habitats- Fluttershy pauses her dictation to Angel to look toward her increasingly full ward of injured animals -But now even more dangerous 'stranger' earth creatures like 'Hawktopus', 'Scampfires', 'gnomes' and 'barf faries' are starting to make their way out of the Gravity Fall forest...my attempts to talk to them have had mixed results...when they weren't trying to kidnap, burn or barf on me...they told me they felt 'something' that made them abandon their homes and habitats deep within the woods to head out into Equestria. Further details are sketchy, I'll probably need to ask Dipper for more details on the woods. But on a broader scope I feel that-

 **BOOM!**

Fluttershy let out a frightened squeak as a large noise outside sent her scurrying under her chair to hide, she looks over cautiously at the front door to see a small puddle form beneath it. she silently tiptoes to the door and slowly opens it...she's surprised to see most of her front yard flooded...and Mable flopping around like a fish!?

Mable jumped up suddenly, "WOO-HOO! Thanks for the horsie ride Rainbow Dash!...Rainbow Dash?" Mable looks around confused, then shrugs. "Eh, I'll thank her latter then..."

...

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash- currently smashed into the side of Twilight's now flooded library...was using some very colorful words to describe Mable...and Twilight...although she abstained from using such words herself...did nothing to correct Dashie of such behavior as she TRIED to salvage her precious book as half of Ponyville flooded...while also grinding her teeth in increasing fury...

...

She then sees Fluttershy, "FLUTTERSHY! KAWAII!" She shrieks as she runs forward to give her a hug-

"EEP!" Screams Fluttershy as she tries to shut the door- CRASH! ...only for an eager Mable to smash through and hug her. "OHMY!OHMY!YOURTHECUTESTTHINGEVER!IWANTTOJUSTSQUEEZEANDHUGYOUFOREVER!THISISSOAMAZING!DIDIMENTIONYOURCUTE!?..."

Fluttershy began to turn blue. "Mable- GASP! -Lungs- PANT! -Difficulty- WHEEZE! -Breathe!"

Then Mable saw the animals, "And you have petting zoo too?! HOORAY!" She shouts as she drops Fluttershy and runs toward the animals. Fluttershy desperately tries to catch her breath and warn Mable at the same time- "Uh- No, please- The animals have been through a lot lately, so if you don't mind. Could you kindly-

But Mable ignored her, she hugged and petted the animals-

 **ROAR!**

Which- as Fluttershy was trying to tell her -wasn't the best idea in their frazzled state, they all began to panic not only further injuring themselves-

 **SMASH!**

-But also destroying all of Fluttershy's cherished worldly possessions-

 **CRASH!**

-and then her wall...allowing them all to escape and stampede through an already damaged Ponyville...and causing Fluttershy's house to collapse...

Fluttershy's eye twitched, while Angel starts to break off the top of his carrot and point the jagged edge threateningly at Mable. Mable- ever oblivious, kept rambling on. "YIKES! Look at this place- Heh, good thing you can just magic the place fixed or you'd REALLY be in trouble!" She said in a happily dismissive way.

Fluttershy felt her teeth beginning to grind, "I'm a PEGASUS." She corrected irritably. But Mable, of course was too busy in her own little world to hear. "So what do you want to do now?! Have a tea party?! Braid each others hair!? Make arts and crafts! Pick flowers! I have a whole list of things I've wanted to do with ponies since I was little-

 **OH WILL YOU JUST SHUT. THE BUCK. UP!**

And lo did the world of Ponies darken ever so slightly that day, as the element of kindness created the first ponified human swear...Mable gasped at this profanity.

"Wha...How could you- Ponies can't swear! Their ponies!"

"Not only is that NOT true...your about to get a heap load of evidence to prove it!" Shouts a voice behind her, Mable turns around to see 4 ANGRY ponies walk up to her.

An oblivious Mable simply squeed at the sight of more ponies, "Hooray! So glad to see you all again! Great timing too! I think something's wrong with Fluttershy, she's not happy anymore! Oh, and before I forget. Thanks for giving me that piggyback ride Rainbow Dash! It was fu-

Suddenly she had an angry Rainbow Dash all up in her face. "FIRST of all, there was no 'piggyback ride'! There was just you jumping on my back- MID-FLIGHT -like a crazy person! Licking my neck and messing up my flight pattern! SECOND you messed up said flight pattern in the middle of a complicated maneuver meant to stop yet another storm spewed out by the Gravity Falls forest! A MANEUVER YOU MADE ME MESS UP AND FLOOD HALF OF PONYVILLE!"

"AND MY LIBRARY!" Adds Twilight.

"Don't forget my farm! You ruined our shipment, our orchard and our tractor!" Adds Applejack enraged.

"Let's not forget my clothing! What am I supposed to tell my client!?" Exclaimed a hysterical Rarity.

Mable...Mable was baffled...what was going on? This-this was...why were ponies being mean to her? "I...I don't understand...why can't you just use your magic to fix everything?" She asked in genuine baffled confusion.

"WE ARE NOT BUCKING UNICORNS!"

Shouted three of the five gathered ponies angrily causing a shocked and hurt Mable to land on her butt. Before she could recover-

"And even if they were unicorns, WE HAVE LIMITS! Our powers aren't just a magic wand that you can wave around to fix all your problems! IT'S MORE COMPLICATED THEN THAT!" Screams Twilight.

"It...it is?" Whimpered Mable, suddenly VERY self-aware that she might have actual honest to goodness CONSEQUENCES to her actions for once in her life-

 **YES!**

They all shouted at once, Desperate to salvage the situation...Mable once more put her foot in her mouth. She hesitantly points to Rarity, "B-but, why are you mad? I fixed your clothes! They were all nerdy-

"THEY WERE **SUPPOSED** TO BE NERDY! THAT WAS EXACTLY HOW MY CLIENT **CUSTOM** ORDERED THEM!"

Mable just looked at her baffled, "Wha- but why would you make something so un-cute? I-

Rarity slapped her forehead angrily. "Oh, for the love of- Did you really think I just woke up one day and decided to be a fashionista and suddenly I had my own successful store? Do you have any idea how much work I had to do to even get my boutique in the first place? Let alone start to make a profit?! I don't nave the luxury to pick and choose my clients! Do I like making clothes like that? Of course not! But when your the adult of the household you have to make sacrifices to put food on the table!"

Mable frowned at this uncomprehending, "I...what?" This didn't line up with the tales and songs at all!

Rainbow Dash screamed; "We are 'NOT' FOALS! We are 'NOT' characters out of a preschool book who can spend all day playing dress up and picking flowers and eating cake!"

Mabel points to Pinkie Pie who happened to be waking by... Who glares at her. Pulls out a head of lettuce and takes a big bite out of it...and then vanishes as mysteriously as she came...

Applejack continued, "We are practically adults! With jobs! And responsibilities and more than two emotions! Stop treating us all like we should still be sucking our hooves!"

Mable was getting very close to hyperventilating as all her dreams and fantasies started to crash and burn all around her, she chuckled nervously. "C-come on guys...were all friends here..."

What Twilight then said would ring throughout the archives of Equestrian history, forever. "BUCK FRIENDSHIP, WE WILL NEVER CALL YOU FRIEND, LEAVE US ALONE." She said darkly.

Her friends gaped at her in disbelief, Twilight's legs felt like jelly, indeed many miles away- for a brief moment a startled Celestia would find herself briefly losing control of the sun as a fundamental structure of this world was VIOLATED, thus throwing it's functions briefly out of whack.

Mable noticed none of this, she was too busy running away in tears. Once she was gone, Twilight...realizing what she just said...began to hyperventilate! "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EXPLAIN THIS TO PRINCESS CELESTIA!?" Shouted a panicked Twilight While her friends comforted her.

Pinkie Pie popped in briefly to vomit, "Yeah, I only ate that to make a point...but it was still terrible!" Without another word...she trotted after Mable...

...

Dipper let out a sigh of relief as they all left the store, "Seriously girls, we talked about this...never split up from the group! Don't just ASSUME plan A will work, have a plan B ready!...and a C and D plan as well! Throw in an E just to be safe!"

"Sorry, Dipper." Said the Crusaders as one.

Indeed it had been quite eventful, after calming them down with his lamby dance. He then brought up the reality that they are a pair of old ghosts haunting a dilapidated convenience store. 'Is this the afterlife they always wanted? Are they happy being trapped between old cereal boxes and bags of mold that used to be bread forever?' These questions and more made the ghosts realize they wanted more from (un)life.

A quick call to Pacifica- the ghosts freak out slightly at the mention of the Northwest family. Ghosts or no, they are still intimidated and respectful of the premiere family in town -has her agree to help fund a joint project with him to restore the store and turn it into a ghost sanctuary. A place where Ma and Pa can socialize with other ghosts until their ready to 'move on'. As well as allow pony researchers to converse with the first ever proof of an 'afterlife'- Ma and Pa seem especially thrilled with talking with the ponies.

Dipper then looked at his watch, _Okay, that ate up a lot of time but I can still finish my prep-_ Dipper blushed as Wendy suddenly gives Dipper a peck on the check, "Thanks Dipper, you saved my bacon. Would you like to go-

Suddenly, there's a loud scream. They look over to see a bunch of ponies run for their lives, "What's happening!?" Wendy shouts after them.

"A crazy she-devil in a rainbow sweater and braces is destroying the town!" Shouts back a pony.

Dipper's eye's narrow, "Crazy she-devil in a rainbow sweater and brac- He face-palms, "Dang it Mable what have you done this time!?" _"I SO don't have time for this!"_ He shouts/thinks as he runs toward the disturbance. A concerned Wendy- delaying only long enough to make sure that her class gets home safely -runs after him...

...Latter...

"Dear princess Celestia...today I learned...well...have ever considered that friendship might...NOT be the answer to everything?" Twilight shook her head as she crumpled the paper and throw it away. "No, that's no good."

She and her friends were hiding out at Sugarcube corner- Except Pinkie, who'd just run off -They'd first wanted to help repair the damage done Ponyville...but the storm had gotten so out of control that not even the Pegasus could fix it! Their was no choice but to wait it out...

In the meantime they were trying to help Twilight explain to Celestia how it was OKAY that she went against her teachings of friendship...but mainly keep an increasingly panicky Twilight from going over the edge.

A now very frazzled Twilight attempted another letter; "Dear Princess Celestia...have you ever considered the possibility that there's such a thing as TOO many friends? Think about it, it's just not practical or possible to attend to the needs of so many...so one could make the-

Twilight groaned, "No! That just sounds worse!" She crumpled that one up and threw it into an increasingly large pile.

Applejack groaned, "Twilight...just tell Celestia what happened. I'm sure she'll understand."

Twilight looked at her horrified, "Tell her?! Tell her that I broke off a potential friendship!? I CAN'T DO THAT! She'll be soooooo disappointed in me! She'll have me exiled! Or worse- SEND ME BACK TO MAGIC KINDERGARTEN!" She starts to hyperventilate.

"Come on Twilight, you did what you had to do, Mable was a jerk! What else could you have done?" Pointed out Dashie.

Applejack frowned, "To be fair...it was less Mable being a jerk...and more she had no idea what the hay she was doing. Just assuming we could fix all the problems she caused with our 'magic' without fear of consequence." She noted annoyed.

Twilight shook her head, "Guy's that doesn't matter, what matters- Suddenly her ears perk up...Wait...guy's do you hear that?" The girls perked their ears up...and heard...nothing.

"Uh, Twilight...I don't hear anything." Pointed out Dashie. Twilight nods, "Exactly! Where's the storm?"

Everyone's eye's widen as they run outside...and see the storm had passed and the flooding had abated and Dipper...DIPPER WAS ON THE GROUND BLEEDING!?

"DIPPER!" Screamed all the girls as they ran forward. Dipper gasped as he tried to get up, "Okay! I'm okay!" "Like buck you are! You look like you went through a meatgrinder! What happened!?" Screamed Dashie

Dipper sighed, "Well first I had to calm down Fluttershy's animals...I let them attack me until they were exhausted and ready to be taken care of... then I had to coerce some Nephele to eat up the clouds and flood water to end the storm...they hated the taste and attacked me...but I'm good- he stumbles to his feet and tries to walk forward -I just...I just need to fix up Applejack's farm..Rarity's clothing order, Twilights library, Fluttershy's house...all in a day's work." He tries to say in a cocky way...undermined by the fact he was clearly trying to hide a limp.

"Dipper! Your in no condition to be doing this! Besides, this is MABLE'S mess! She should be fixing it!" Insisted Twilight.

Dipper just shrugged it off, "No it's fine...I'm always doing this for Mable...cleaning her messes, getting her out of trouble...all in a days work for a brother am I right?" He says neutrally as he once more trudges off...

The ponies looked together concerned, "Okay, this is a HUGE problem...this...this can't be healthy." Stated Twilight.

"Indeed...it's almost like he's enabling her bad behavior. Spoiling her...well, not ROTTEN...but at least spoiled SWEET." Noted Rarity.

"Sooo...should we say something to Dipper?" Asked Fluttershy cautiously.

"HOLD IT!" Shouted Applejack suddenly. "Now enough is dang well enough! This ain't some great crisis. This ain't some ancient evil we can just blast with a rainbow, or some shady con-pony trying to sell the moon. This is a family matter. Family matters are a family's business. Ah wouldn't appreciate it if you girls stuck your hoofs in ma business if ah had a fight with AppleBloom or Big Mac, and am certain the Pines wouldn't appreciate it either." She said in a firm and stubborn manner.

With Applejack being the resident 'family' expert(her family being the one that stays together with her for longer stretches of time then anyone else in the group)of the group the group was usually more inclined to let her be the final word on such matters...

Today however...Twilight was less convinced, "Look Applejack, that's all well and good but- points to still damaged Ponyville -but this kinda takes priority over family privacy, wouldn't you agree?"

Applejack sighed but nevertheless nodded sincerely, "Don't get me wrong...Mable's a problem and we DO have to deal with her...but ONLY how she reacts and interacts with the townsfolk and us and taking responsibility for her actions toward US!...everything involving internal family issues we don't do nothing until Dipper SPECIFICALLY asks for help!" She insisted stubbornly.

Not really wanting to drag this argument with her friend any longer, and being more concerned of Dipper's well being at this particular moment, Twilight reluctantly decides to let the matter drop. "Fine, the the six of us will- Twilight frowns as she remembers Pinkie had left. "Where is Pinkie?" She wondered out loud.

...

Wendy- After failing to convince Dipper to stop fixing Mable's mistakes -had finally cornered the troublesome Pines girl with Pinkie as she resided in 'Sweaterland'. "It's a simple concept Mabel. He was right, and you were...

Mabel puts her fingers in her ears and goes, "lalalalalala!" Wendy just rolls hers eyes, forcibly shuts her yapping lips and pulls her hand away from her ears.

"...YOU WERE WRONG!" Finishes Wendy annoyed, she then Lets go of the girl who falls to the ground looking shocked.

Wendy nods, "Yeah. You were wrong. You can't blame anyone but yourself, like you've been doing your whole life. Newsflash kid, your NOT the most important person in the world. Your NOT an expert in ponies. And your happiness is NOT more important than everyone else's. No matter what you think."

Mable...had no idea how to respond to this...people...backing Dipper but not her? It was like her whole world had gone Topsy-turvy!

Pinkie sighed as she stepped forward and turned to Wendy. "Uh...Wendy? not hating on you, but I think this requires a more 'personal' touch." She then trots up to Mable. "I do this, because I care." She says to the crying girl flatly.

She polity coughs into her hand, grabs Mabel by the shoulders... and shakes her silly!

"STOP ACTING LIKE THIS WORLDS A PRE-SCHOOL SHOW! STOP IT YOU NINNY! STOP ACTING LIKE WERE TRAPPED IN A PRE-SCHOOL SHOW!" Screams Pinkie!

Wendy just gaps in horror, before she can do ANYTHING, she stops. "Wow...I never thought of it like that...I owe everyone a HUGE apology!" Shouts Mable as she runs off to do just that.

Wendy just looks at this baffled, she turns to Pinkie. "What just- "I know how to speak her language." Says Pinkie as she trots off after Mable. Wendy quirks an eyebrow. _"What language? Crazy?"_

...later...

"You want us to do what?" Asked Twilight, after much effort...they finally convinced Dipper he didn't have to fix Mable's mistakes...only for him to switch over to this-

"I want you to give Mable a second chance, she's usually a much better friend then this...she just needs to separate fantasy from reality...she had a lot of warped expectations...as you can see here."

He gestures all over Mable's side of the room...and how it was full of unicorn merchandise!

The girls couldn't look away! It was like a carwreck...

Twilight gives the doll a squeeze, "Buy all 58 of my accessorize!" It shouts. Twilight sighs, "Great...the image of the noble species of unicorns...debased to sell cheap, useless junk...just terrific."

Rainbow Dash goes through the seemingly hundreds of unicorn books; "Ponies become friends with girl, giggle endlessly about how FABULOUS they are, talk about boys, sing a song, get married to prince charming, live happily ever after." Throws books aside and pick up another; "Ponies become friends with girl, endlessly giggle about how FABULOUS they are, talk about boys, sing a song, get married to prince charming, live happily ever after." And another; "Ponies become friends with girl, endlessly about how FABULOUS they are, talk about boys, sing a song, get married to prince charming, live happily ever after." And another; "Ponies become friends with girl, endlessly about how FABULOUS they are, talk about boys, sing a song, get marrie- Okay, I'm starting to see a pattern here..." She trailed off with disgust, holding the latest book like it was a soiled hanky...

"Why would ANYONE want to buy hundreds of this absolutely GAUDY merchandise?" Asked Rarity as she examined the tacky pony nick-knacks.

"Pony crowd-control barrier?! Now that's just getting silly!" Shouts an insulted Applejack while also examining said piece of merchandise.

The more the looked..the more some uncomfortable truths were rearing their ugly head... They didn't EXIST on earth. They were just something for little girls to fawn over. Their were hundreds of different depictions of supposedly fictional creatures on earth...The problem is that even if that's the case, the children of gravity falls are all coming to accept the ponies for what they are. Cute, but real. Real people who can be real friends, instead of just life sized toys.

True, they were ADORABLE people, but adorable people that could turn you into an avocado, tear apart storms single hoofed or buck through your chest like your made of meringue. The sole exception being the tiny little humans the ponies have come to totally adore as much as any foal or little colt and filly...and the feeling was mutual...

...Meanwhile...

Durland finds himself pseudo babysitting pound cake, bouncing him on his knee while his unicorn sister sits nearby wearing the deputy's hat. While Blub's is eating the best doughnuts he's ever had.

"Their so adorable. I just wanna collect em' all." Says Durland with a chuckle.

Blubs quickly turns to Mr Cake, "He means that in the nicest and most non kidnapping kind of way..."

...

Mabel however seems psychologically incapable of separating her fantasy about ponies from the reality. She refuses to think of pony's as basically being no different than anyone else from town. With their own jobs and diverse interests and personalities. Like she's trapped in the mindset of the babies and toddlers the ponies are letting see them like that...And The mane six start to realize Dipper is basically enabling Mabel to act like this, because her Big Brother will always save her from everything, even apparently maturity and responsibility...

they'd realize that Mabel is acting like the rest of Gravity Falls did when they first saw them.

Mabel however seems psychologically incapable of separating her fantasy about ponies from the reality. She refuses to think of pony's as basically being no different than anyone else from town. With their own jobs and diverse interests and personalities. Like she's trapped in the mindset of the babies and toddlers the ponies are letting see them like that...

The mane six realize Dipper is basically enabling Mabel to act like this, because her Big Brother will always save her from everything, even apparently maturity and responsibility...

"But you can't do that for your sister Dipper. Your sisters declared herself an expert and just decided she knows better than everypony else. Believe me, I know what that's like. It's not healthy for her, and it's not healthy for you to make excuses for her..." Said Twilight...

..or at least...that's what she WANTED to say. The words were in her mind, on her heart and on her lips...but one stern look from Applejack killed it before it could come out. Twilight knew that Applejack could be stubborn...at times she could be reasoned with...but not with this, NEVER in concerns to family.

...Twilight would never forgive herself if she lost her friendship to Applejack...besides, as she before stated...she was the EXPERT on all things family in the group...she reasoned as she swallowed her concerns...and decide to just switch to the current concerns...and maybe...just MAYBE get one of her current life goals achieved!

"Um...no offense Dipper...I'm glad your capable of giving second chances...but for you to ask us to give her a second chance...while also refusing our requests you give Celestia a second chance...won't lie, kinda hypocritical..."

Pinkie(once again popping out of nowhere) quirks her head confused, "Hippo...crispy?" She Runs off and immediately comes back with rich cakes in the shape of hippos.

Dippers slaps his forehead, "Oh don't worry dear. Were all aware of what hypocrisy is. Pinkie is just the exception." Explains Rarity in a reassuring manner.

Dipper still groans as he tries to explain this- "Wha- I- No, that's different! I LIKE Mable and she's part of my family! At the very least I'd figured Applejack would get that last part!"

Applejack reluctantly nods, "Fair enough." She unwillingly concedes.

Twilight, however was not deterred. Unlike her other friends, Dipper had thicker skin...better yet, he actually ENCOURAGED them to call him out if they felt he was making a mistake- she was...uncomfortable when he did the same to them...but not for the reasons you'd think! -Something...Twilight rather wished the others would emulate...even if she'd never admit it...even to herself.

"Well, I like Celestia and she's practically family to me...seems pretty much the same situation to me." Says Twilight with just a hint of smugness.

Dipper groans in defeat, "Fine...if you give Mable a second chance...I'll give Celestia a second chance...happy?"

Twilight has to use all her self-control not to leap in joy...and instead just nods. She turns to the girls, "Seems fair to me- Girls?" She asks.

They in turn nod...however Applejack additionally comments: "But Mable needs to understand that were not going to put up with her NONSENSE anymore! More importantly, she needs to be the one who fixes all the damage SHE caused, not you!" She said firmly.

Pinkie jumps up and down, "Way ahead of you Applejack! In fact- Pulls out Mable from inside her Mane. "Mable has something she wants to say to you all!" It was a sorrowful Mable that swallowed her tears...and asked for forgiveness...

Wendy stuck her head out of Pinkie's Mane, "How did I even get in here? I WAS GETTING A BAGEL FOR DIPPER AT THE STORE!"

...later...

After leaving Mable (under the close supervision of Grunkle Stan, Blubs, Wendy and the local wonderbolt representative) to fix everything. They go to look for Celestia...they don't have to look far...she and Luna are overseeing yet another Equestrian bank foreclosure.

"I just don't understand! This is the 7th bank that's gone under this week alone!" Exclaimed Celestia concerned...in her entire reign, she never really needed to worry about the economy, her wonderful little ponies(save for some minor extreme cases) could always be relied upon to be honest and generous! The honor system NEVER failed! The economy had never faltered! Not once! But between the problems caused by so many taxi ponies losing their jobs, the obscene amount of money she found herself sending to Ponyville on a daily basis these days, repairing her palace after it burnt down...again, and the ridiculous amount of pony-run banks that have been going under recently...Equestria was potentially looking at it's first-ever Great Depression.

Luna frowned, "Sister, we both know that this is the work of the humans! They've already shown their willingness to be crafty and twist our laws to their liking- Especially the Stan Pines! Why have we not arrested him yet?"

Celestia sighed, putting aside the fact how...delicate the situation would be with removing Dipper's- now -Legal Guardian into custody...Stan hadn't _technically_ (and boy was THAT a dozy of a new concept that the humans had inadvertently introduced to her society?) broken the law...warped, distorted, manipulated and outright spat at the law...but not **broken**.

Luna frowned at this, "I know your reluctant to appear a tyrant or abuse your power...but didn't we already do this when we took down that Swindler Northwest's scheme? By burning his foul documents?"

Celestia shook her head with a sad sigh, "I know that's been hyped up...but the only reason that wasn't considered an abuse of power was both because how clearly in the wrong Northwest was and also how since when we learned what a 'bribe' was we rejected it- which rendered the contract invalid regardless..."

Celestia sighed, "Dipper did make some good points...he REALLY did...but I just can't risk going down that path...lest...SHE returns..." She admitted fearfully Luna sighs, but begrudgingly nods in agreement.

Blissfully unaware of what her mentor was going through, Twilight did a happy trot toward them with her friends. _"Okay, bit of a rocky start...but the day is looking up now! Not only will Dipper stop antagonizing Celestia- and almost giving me a heart attack -but with everything squared away with Mable, Celestia need never know that I broke off a friendship...heh, heh...EVER!"_ Thinks the unicorn darkly...

"See what I mean sister?" Asks Luna as she levitates the account book over to her, "The more the PONY-run banks suffer, the more the HUMAN-run banks prosper! Especially this Philip Twopenny fellow! Also- She sees the group approach, "We'll talk latter." She says quickly as she whisks the account book away while Celestia nods in agreement.

She then turns to group as it comes before her, "Twilight! What a pleasant surprise! What brings you here?"

Twilight smirked, "Dipper has something to say to you."

Celestia's eye's widened, but seeing how happy Twilight was, relaxed. "Oh, really? What might that be?"

Dipper sighed, "Twilight finally guilt tripped/logic-trapped me into giving you a second chance...I'm willing to TRY and start over if you are."

The rest of the mane six groan while Twilight sighs, "Okay...I guess that's the best I'm going to get out of you for now."

Dipper nods, "Dang straight."

Celestia also sighs, although a bit put off by the aloof backhanded way he put that sentence...she knew that this was the best she could hope for as well. Clearly Dipper was caught in a logic trap where he essentially 'had' to apologies. She didn't like it, but it was a way for her to FINALLY get past the boys stubborn defenses.

Celestia smiles sincerely at him, "Don't worry Dipper. I'll work my hardest to make the most of this second chance your giving me."

Dipper glares, "I'll believe that when I-

"A-HEM!" Coughs Twilight annoyed.

Dipper sighs in defeat, "Thank you Princess Celestia...

Twilight Gleamed, "Oh, don't pout Dipper! You'll see this is best! Celestia is the greatest leader we've ever had! Letting the light of her love into you...there's no greater feeling!"

Dipper groans, "Twilight, on top of everything can you NOT sound like a Jehovah witness? It's creepy!"

Twilight quirked her head confused, "Who?"

Dipper continues, "Also 'greatest leader you've ever had'? She's reigned for more than an thousand years. You don't have anybody to compare her to that you didn't read about in story books or texts so old the parchments turning to dust!"

Celestia can't help but giggle as the two argued back and forth...Despite the argument...there was no REAL anger behind it...there was just something so cute about how they interacted with each other...so naturally Pinkie had to ruin it...

Pinkie, "Hey! Dose that mean you'll forgive Princess Luna, too?" She shouted suddenly.

and like that, the friendly atmosphere was gone. Dipper glared, "Don't push it..."

This sudden hostility shocked everyone...but especially hurt Luna. Twilight tried to intervene- "Dipper- "No Twilight!" Insisted Dipper quickly, "I'm willing to concede that maybe- MAYBE, mind you -I'm being too hard on Celestia...but unlike her Luna actually hurt you guys, tried to destroy your lives...for that, I refuses to forgive her." He says stubbornly.

Seeing that his words were hurting her sister, Celestia immediately stepped up. "Dipper, please! That was Nightmare Moon! Not Luna, her influence on her has been destroyed thanks to the Elements of harmony! She's safe now." She implored.

Dipper took a deep breath-

"Oh, no. He's doing that face." Said Fluttershy suddenly. All eyes went to her. "What face?" Asked Twilight, "The face he makes when he's about to say something he knows we won't like...and he's usually right." Admitted an apologetic Fluttershy.

Dipper groaned, but continued. "Look...even if I was willing to trust YOUR opinion on something that could potentially hurt my friends- which I don't -and Even IF the elements really did 'cure' her of her evil- which frankly leads to a whole bunch of unsettling other ethical questions -that doesn't immediately solve everything! Have you even sent her to a psychiatrist to check to see if she has a clean bill of health?"

Celestia gives Dipper an odd look, "Send her to a what to see if she has a what?" Asked Celestia confused.

Dipper gives her a weird look, then sighs... "You don't have psychiatrist here, do you?" Asked Dipper in a resigned manner. In hindsight, he realized such a profession would by unlikely to come up in a land where problems were solved under thirty minutes or less...

Twilight, frowns. "Is that another HUMAN thing? And what do you mean 'ethical questions'? We defeated Nightmare Moon and restored her to Luna through the power of friendship! What's ethically dubious about that?" She asked confused.

Dipper groaned, "Guys...you used a bunch of magical artifacts that you knew nothing about- Still don't really know anything about -to tinker around with a sentient creatures free will! Their likes! Their wants! Their mind and soul tinkered and rearranged to how you guys wanted...I'm not condemning you guys, you did what you had to...but dose that REALLY sound like that could birth a stable, SANE mindset...what's to stop her from snapping? Or regressing?"

Everypony...just gaped at him in horror.

 _"DEFINITELY glad that we don't need those elements anymore...and that their far away from me."_ Thought Rarity.

 _"Am...am I a bad pony?"_ Thinks Fluttershy confused.

 _"Maybe...should I just give them back to the Tree of harmony...or just destroy them?"_ Thinks a now very concerned Celestia...then shakes her head. _"No, Discord might return...I can't take that chance!"_ She realizes...

Rainbow Dash ground her teeth and rubbed her aching head, "GAH! YOUR OVERTHINKING THIS!"

Pinkie nods, "Seriously, remember your MST3K Mantra!" She insists much to everypony's confusion.

Dipper by contrast looks at Pinkie surprised...then nods. "Okay, fair enough, Elements of harmony good. Nothing ethically questionable there. My bad." He concedes.

Everyone face-faults! "SERIOUSLY!? That changes your- Twilight takes a DEEP Calming breath -Fine, I've long learned not to question Pinkie being Pinkie...so dose that mean you forgive Luna?"

Dipper shakes his head, "Nope, even then, I won't be satisfied until she gets a psych eval.- and even then that probably won't do much...I will NEVER forgive someone who hurts my friend...and even if she didn't do it directly..she still allowed the monster who did the ability to do so."

Twilight tries to protest- "Twilight, it's getting late. I'm badly bruised, tired and you've already won a victory by making me forgive Celestia...can't we just call it a day?" Interrupts Dipper while looking at his watch.

Twilight looks unsure...but before she can say more- A ragged Mable pops up, she pants exhausted. "Okay...it wasn't easy...but I fixed everything." She looks at how Dipper was with the others...and chuckled. "I still can't believe you managed to make friends with ponies...YOU the guy who hated unicorns." She admits amazed.

"Wait, what?!" Exclaims both Twilight and Rarity as they then look at Dipper with hurt and questioning expressions. Dipper groaned, "It was before I meet you guys! Obviously, I don't think that anymore after seeing how awesome you both are!"

Rarity was pacified by this...Twilight on the other hand... "Still..." She stated still a bit hurt by this revelation.

Dipper groaned, "Look I'm sorry...but i'd like to see you not hate unicorns after being forced to watch 'Bippy the friendly unicorn' fifty times in a row!"

"HEY! THAT'S A CLASSIC!" Shouted Mable annoyed.

Twilight scoffs, "Come on Dipper, how bad could it be?"

Dipper glares at her annoyed...then smirks evilly, "Tell you what...watch it. If you like it, I'll TRY to give Luna a second chance...if you don't, you have to drop that subject and let me handle it on my own."

Twilight and everypony else smiles, "Your on!"

...later...

"KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

Screams Twilight as she, her friends and both princesses smash and burn the horrid VHS tape. While Dipper just laughs and Mable just shouts "OH, COME ON!"

...Later...

While the Royal sisters run off to make legislation to burn any more copies of 'Bippy'. The girls try to get over their sudden and inexplicable hatred(or self-loathing in Twilight and Rarity's case) for all things unicorn.

Dashie smiles, "I know! I'll go get my recording of the latest Wonderbolt event! That'll cheer us up!" She shouts as she flies to do just that. in 10 seconds she's back outside the room, she smirks at the video-recorder she bought from humans recently.

"A device that let's you relive your favorite moments...what a time to be alive!" She exclaims happily, she's about to open the door...when she over hears Dipper.

"Okay guys...look, I need you to do me a solid...I'm too busy and exhausted to pretend to like the Wonderbolts to Spare Rainbow's feelings, can you cover for me while I sneak out the back?"

Dashie gasps as she smacks down the door, "YOU DON'T LIKE THE WONDERBOLTS!? HOW!? WHY!?" She exclaims in horrified disbelief.

Dipper groans, "Really? The 'overhearing at the worst possible time cliche? I- He takes a deep breath and turns to his friend- _"Oh, no he's making that face again."_ Thinks Fluttershy worried.

"Look Rainbow...I'll ask you a question, if you can answer it. I'll recant everything bad I've said about the wonderbolts."

Rainbow smirks, "Deal!" "Where were they when Nightmare Moon showed up?" Finishes Dipper.

Rainbow confidently opens his mouth to answer, and then what Dipper actually said got to her head, "Wait, what?" She asked confused.

Dipper pressed on, "They didn't save us all from Nightmare Moon- YOU did that. They didn't save Rarity during the Best Young Flyer Competition -YOU did...along with their ungrateful butts!"

Rainbow...didn't know how to take this...she'd never thought of it like that... She Latches on to the last part(more out of desperation to get a handle of this topic then anything though), "U-ungreatful?" She asks confused.

Dipper, bares his teeth, "After all you did for them- for EQUESTRIA! They haven't made you a Wonderbolt! If they were worried about showing favoritism, bureaucracy, upsetting the chain of command, setting a potentially bad precedent for recruiting people right off the street- FINE! But they could at LEAST have given you a chance to prove yourself at the Wonderbolt academy! But what did they do the last time you sent your application?"

"They...they rejected me." Realized Dashie...this...without Dipper...she'd never have looked at that way...but this...she didn't...it was like her whole world was crumbling beneath her...that frightened her.

Oblivious to this, Dipper continues on..."They were useless when Spike became a monster...and do I even need to remind you of what ALMOST happened during Cloudsdale 'Water spout' day because Spitfire couldn't be bothered to get off her butt!?"

"Uh...thanks again for that." Pips up a flustered Fluttershy. Dipper smiles, "Your welcome." Which causes her to fluster more.

While Rainbow Dash's head was spinning as her whole point of view was slowly, but shirley changing...Dipper unknowingly gave her the proverbial 'knock-out punch' that would change her life forever(or at least until the next season...of their life).

"Honestly, Rainbow...I just don't see what you like about them. Your a hundred times more Awesome then the Wonderbolts could ever hope to be."

Dashie's eye's nearly popped out of her skull, "You- (gulp) -you think I'm more awesome then the Wonderbolts?" Asked Rainbow Dash, her face starting to go very red.

Dipper nodded, "Yeah, if anything THEY should be joining YOU!" He says firmly.

...and that did it...Dashie's face started to feel hot, her hooves began to sweat, her heart began to race faster then even she thought possible...and Dipper's 'whole thing'...got...better?

Rainbow did what anyone would do when they experienced a whole new flush of strange new emotions and wants...PANIC!

"SOSORRY!GOTTAGO!NON-SPECIFICEXCUSE!" Shouts Rainbow frantically as she fly's into multiple objects before FINALLY leaving the room.

"Huh...well that was weird." Said Dipper, but one look at his watch told him he needed to GO! So he dismissed it and began to leave.

Twilight, being Twilight started to clean up the mess Rainbow had just made...when she noticed a spare Rapture flyer...a NEW flyer she hadn't seen before. "Hey Dipper, before you go...what's the 'Ryan's Youth Scholarship'?"

Dipper, groaned as that unpleasant memory popped up, "It was a whole 'test' set up by Ryan to see if any 'promising new prodigy's' on the surface would be worthy...I worked my butt off on that test they sent for a whole week straight, not only solving all the questions and brainteasers it threw at me...but being skillful enough to handle the psych eval. just right so my 'ideology' would match up with Ryan's...and after all that, they never responded after I sent it back! Me and Mable took shifts at the Mailbox day and night and it never came!"

"heh, yep! It never came!" Said Mable quickly as she helped Applejack pack her saddlebag.

Applejack's eye's widened at Mable as she said that, _"Did Mable just-_ She shook her head. _-Okay, Applejack. You've had a LOOOONG day, your exhausted. Your senses are clearly on the fritz. After all, if their's one thing you can ALWAYS count on, it's that 'family sticks together no matter what'."_ She reassures herself firmly.

In fairness to Applejack, every time she's bet on that saying to be true, not only was she ALWAYS proven right in the end, but sometimes even richly rewarded...as was everyone else on this world this society who did similar...so how could she NOT bet on that ever reliable foundation of her belief system once more?

...of course this would make the inevitable 'reveal' all the more devastating...

...later...

It was a quiet night at the 'Well-To-Do' construction site at the farmost edge of the Everfree forest...their 'celebration' over the Deers surrender had ended with all taking a snooze...

In a different universe...due to the selfishness of one Minotaur...the complexity addiction and fanatical zeal of a king, and overall poor communication skills...this whole area would become a place of great aggravation and strife...

 **FWOOM!**

This was not that universe...

And while this den of corporate greed burned...

A kingdom of Eco-terrorists was being...'humbled'...

...

"Bramble! Flee!" Screamed King Aspen as his magic was drained away by the one thing they thought they could always count as an ally...the forest...the forest was destroying them all!"

A sobbing Bramble lead the other children away as the adults were forced to stay behind...and watch one by one as their kingdom was torn down and devoured by the ever greedy Gravity Falls forest...

...

As both wretched hives of Conflict balls were quenched...

The mastermind of both watched from afar...cloaked in midnight, his iron mask betraying nothing but the Buddhist circle of ZEN.

...without a word...he faded into the night...and prepared for the Morn...

...

 **TO BE CONTINUED?**

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	16. Chapter 16

**Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 16**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

 **ANNOUNCEMENT!**

 **I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!**

 **SUMMARY:**  
 **On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!**

 **The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publishing company. It's also now available at Amazon and BarnesandNoble  
**

...

 **AN: this chapter was collaborated with wolvenstrom**

...

 **(1)Gravity Falls doesn't have an anthem.**

 **We thought we had one, But we don't.**

 **We paid a short guy to write it, But we never saw him again.**

 **The tune we stole from the French. There's a few things they do well.**

 **Like making love, wine, and cheese Like Roquefort, Camembert and Bries.**

 **Gravity Falls, We're gonna to die! Gravity Falls, were scared, goodbye!**

All the assembled ponies at the event could only gape in horrified disbelief as their human neighbors once again recited their...'unique'...anthem.

"...That was the WORST thing I've ever heard...and not just from anthems." Said Princess Luna finally after a long, stunned silence. Princesses Celestia shrugged. "It's still better than the YakYakistanian anthem. It's just them saying 'Yak' for three hours straight."

Celestia then got up on the platform, "To human and pony alike! I welcome you to this reenactment of the battle of Gravity Falls! A battle fought by the north, south and...east?"

She looks over to Pacifica- the designated Northwest representative -confused, She sighs, "It was a whole...bookkeeping snafu concocted by my great grandfather...long story. I'll explain later."

Although confused, Celestia takes this on faith and turns back to the crowd. "Right...in any case the site of the actual battle took place over there...where that man is standing..."

She points to the middle of an open field where a disgruntled man is glaring at them. ...While an exasperated Twilight stands next to him, "Please move." She asks(again) nicely. "No."

Celestia just shook her head in disbelief and continued. "...But he won't move so we have to do it here-

"THE EAST WILL RISE AGAIN!" Interrupts said man.

Luna groans, "Yes...you've made your viewpoint very clear...the first fifty times you screamed it." She said clearly annoyed.

Twilight flipped through the official 'Battle of Gravity Falls' pamphlet, before turning to Dipper. "Uh...Dipper? This pamphlet vaguely implies that this 'battle' was part of a bigger conflict called the...'Civil war?'...what is that?" She asked confused.

Dipper groaned, _"I told those idiots not to do this!"_ Quickly, he turned to his best friend to respond "Uh...you know what? I'm going to have to get back to you on that." He said evasively. Twilight happily accepts that, as this simply meant more studying for her...YAY!

Dipper happily wipes the sweat of his brow of yet another bullet well-dodged...Unaware of a certain green unicorns stare...

Meanwhile, Pacifca sighed, she hoped this event went better then pioneer day...THAT was a mess.

...many weeks ago...

 _Pacifica and Diamond Tiara...having secretly followed Dipper and the mane six down below and watch them discover the resting place of Quentin Trembly, they leave Applejack and Twilight to hold the fort._

 _Diamond Tiara whispers to Pacifica, "Okay...how about I distract them...while you burn the evidence?"_

 _Pacifica sighed, "Were not going to destroy the evidence."_

 _Diamond Tiara looked at her surprised, "Wha...but this could damage your families reputation!"_

 _Pacifica sighed, "Sweetie, even if we could trick or overpower two of the most powerful mares in Equestria- which I doubt -Well...sweetie, think...what would happen we did destroy the evidence?"_

 _"We win!" Exclaims the little pink filly excitedly._

 _Pacifica facelpalmed, but tried to stay patient with her inexperienced apprentice. "No sweetie, we've talked about this. REALLY think, what would be the immediate consequence of us destroying the evidence- even if we weren't caught?"_

 _Diamond Tiara groaned, she HATED this 'overthinking' thing that humans tended to do...why couldn't she just ridicule blank-flanks to their faces? It was simple and easy...and yet, she can't deny that doing it Big sis's way made her feel more...grown up...which was...she wanted to say...'interesting'?_

 _Also, if she answered this right she'd get treats and petted! YAY!_

 _Diamond Tiara thought really hard, "Uh...I guess...Mr. Dipper and the mane 6 would be annoyed?"_

 _Pacifica nodded, "Go on..."_

 _Diamond thought some more, "And...they might moan and complain...but who will believe them?" She snorts dismissively._

 _Pacifica glared, "You mean who would believe the 7 who saved Equestria and have become respected members of Equestrian society...AND have Princess Celestia's ear?" She asked pointedly._

 _Diamond's looked her confused...then her eyes, went wide...and winched, "Oooooohhhh." She said in pained realization of what a stupid mistake she'd almost made._

 _Pacifca nodded, "Yep, in a different universe where Dipper is just the local nobody/conspiracy nut that MIGHT fly...but this ain't that universe. In this world, he has influence, power, and respect. If the evidence gets 'lost' I guarantee he'll be believed...and who do you think everyone will blame? Who has the most to gain from such evidence getting lost?"_

 _Again, Diamond Tiara went into deep thought..."You?" She guessed uncertain._

 _Pacifica nods, "Very good."_

 _Tiara smiles...then frowns confused... "Wait, then where dose that leave us?"_

 _Pacifca whips out her phone to make a few calls, "New lesson Sweetie...it's called 'damage control.'..."_

...

 _"And that is how my ancestor Nathaniel Northwest, a simple waste management engineer... Let his patriotic zeal get the better of him and nobly risked his honor and life to protect our countries dignity and saved the good people of Gravity Falls by usurping Quentin Trembly before his insanity could fester. A flawed man to be sure, but an American hero who worked his way up from the gutters regardless." Announced Pacifca at the grand opening of the Northwest 'American secrets REVEALED museum'. Displaying all the items and 'secrets' found in Quentin Trembly's cave._

 _"Well, I'll be! Benjamin was a woman! Girl power!" Shouts Wendy..._

 _Naturally, Diamond just kept staring at Pacifica in awe..._

...

Frankly, Celestia was glad for this 'distraction'...it took her mind off the mess that the whole well-to-do construction Co./Deer kingdom incident had become...or WOULD'VE become.

 _"I can't believe King Aspen was planning on attacking all of Equestria...but leave the one behind the aggregation alone? How dose that make any sense?!"_ She'd kept this information secret, less the deer get more trouble trying to find a new home...

Although horrible at first, it turns out the tree hadn't eaten the adults...but simply permanently ate their all magics and most of their memories before spitting them back out alive and healthy...as far as king aspen was concerned...he was a five year old boy again...

...which didn't not make thing easier for his son Brambles...poor foal...forced to take the throne at such a young age...his kingdom overtaken by hostile plants that still attacked if you came too close so he and his people are now forced to live in Ponyville...no guidance of his elders...the knowledge of his people now gone forever, apparently destroyed by the forests ravenous appetite...he'd basically have to rebuild his kingdom, his culture from scratch...

True, Dipper had tried to make him feel better by introducing him to a bunch of videogames marked 'oddworld' and 'tak and the power of juju'...it seemed to be distracting the poor deer children for the moment...but Celestia wished she could do more...

In any case an investigation showed that a disgruntled deer had given the construction crew a 'we surrender' gift of drinks...that were actually filled with a powerful paralytic...it seemed that the poor deer just wanted them out of the way long enough for them to retake the groove...he didn't count that Well-to-do would skimp money on getting his gas pipes fixed...or that one of his men would light a match to get ride of the smell of his...'leavings'. It started as a small fire that could've been easily put out quickly before getting out of hand...if everyone hadn't already succumbed to the paralytic..

As for why the trees acted up...a security camera saw one of Well-to-do's vile henchmen making a poor attempt of being 'inconspicuous' as he bought a dead Arnuki Beast from the red light district of Gravity Falls...the same dead arnuki beast that was found in a ritual circle traced back to what had caused the Gravity Fallsl forest to consume the deers kingdom...the ritual...clearly intended to kill...had(thankfully) been horribly botched, bad ruin-work, faulty candles, he hadn't even gotten the constellations alignment right! The fool had even left a footprint trail of his distinctive minitour custom manehatan silk loafers back to the construction site!

All in all it looked like two amateur jobs that had naturally caused a lot of needless death and destruction...

She shook her head of such dire thoughts as she turned her attention instead to the most humorous 'Pre-reneactment/community service' entertainment...featuring DJ Pon-3 having a rap-battle with earth unicorn Celestabellebethabelle...where the later was getting a much needed verbal smackdown.

...when it was first learned that their were unicorns in the GF woods, Celestia was very excited to establish contact with them...this excitement quickly shrived up when she saw they were just conceited jerks...fortunately, there weren't that many of them and were very isolated so she didn't have to deal with them...at least...not until they- like all the other creatures in the GF forest seemed to be doing -left their homes and wandered into the town...

...a few days ago...

 _Mable sobbed, "I...I'm not pure of heart?"_ _Celestabellebethabelle sitting at her 'heart-reading' booth at the party nodded, "You've no one but to blame but yourself...now that'll be fifty bits..."  
_

 _"HEY! I didn't authorize you to do this for my party!" Shouted an annoyed Pinkie Pie as she trotted over._

 _"Goodbye ladies." Said_ _Celestabellebethabelle as she tried to toss a smoke bomb to cover her escape-  
_

 ** _CRASH!_**

 _Only to thwarted by a flash of pink, "You made someone CRY at one of my parties...worse, you made a FRIEND of mine cry." Pinkie GLARED. "Your not going anywhere..."  
_

 _Celestabellebethabelle gulped...  
_

...

While everyone laughed at the jerks misfortune. The Pegasus did their weather patrol above, "Hey where's Rainbow Dash?" Asks Weather Front as she bucks a cloud. Cross Draft shrugs as she flies beside her, "She took the day off, said she had 'personal business, or something...whatever we can do this without her there's barely a cloud in the...sky." She paled as she trailed off...a BIG **dark** cloud had just popped over the GF forest.

The Pegasus squealed in terror, these clouds were WORSE then the Everfree one's! As unpredictable and hard to control as they were, you could at least count on them to stay (mostly) in their forest! But these GF forest clouds...they just sprung out into the world like their life depended on it!

"EVERYONE RUN FOR COVER! STORM COMING!" They shouted.

The festivities immediately dispersed as the ponies ran for cover...Twilight tried to put a newspaper over her head to keep her dry while she looked for cover-

 **SHIRK!**

...only for said paper to be ripped apart by a razor sharp projectile that fell from the heavens...and came within inches of Twilight's startled face...and that's how ponies were introduced to 'Razor hail'...

They all screamed as they frantically took cover from ...whatever the buck was happening...gazebos, cars, booths, trees...all ripped apart by the hail...

Twilight whimperd as she used her magic shield to keep it off...until a shadow came over her...she looked up and saw Dipper holding up an umbrella over her head...an umbrella...that completely deflected the hail?

Dipper gave her an apologetic look, "Wow...I am sorry about this...among everything else I'm doing, the razor hail literally slipped my mind..."

Twilight looked at him in disbelief, "Wha...giant blades of ice falling from the sky, SLIPPED YOUR MIND!? How in the name of Equestria dose that slip your mind!?"

Dipper shrugged, "I dunno...I guess I'm just used to it...for humans...this is the equivalent of gum getting stuck to your shoe...it's annoying but you shrug it off and move on with your day."

An even more incredulous Twilight begins to look around and realized Dipper was right. Only the PONIES were panicking...the humans...if anything they looked BORED- Honest to Celestia, BORED! -They were already under their large homemade razor-proof umbrellas- Which they never leave home without -and were going around calming the ponies and coaxing them to come under said umbrellas so they can get to safety.

"That's it... come with us...your doing great." Said Nate and Lee soothingly as they helped the ever frightful Lyra and Bon Bon along...

Although Filled with stunned disbelief over what she was witnessing... she nevertheless walked along with Dipper, safely through the storm...Twilight found herself walking beside an equally confused Celestia and Luna as Pacfica's butler held up an Extra large umbrella to keep them all safe.

Dipper handed Celestia a card, "Here's our best house repair guy...your gonna need him." He gestures to all the pony houses getting smashed up...while the human houses are shockingly in (mostly) good order.

Celestia just stared in disbelief, "How were you prepared for such calamity?" She asked baffled.

Despite the situation, Pacifica can't help but chuckle. "With all due respect your majesty... This isn't a calamity, this is TUESDAY. Wait, till lightning rain season shows up. Now that's a calamity!"

"I...Lightning rain?" Asked a now very pale Celestia.

While the three unicorns contemplated how much their future was about to get very 'busy'...Dipper looked around thoughtful. "Huh, I wonder where Rainbow Dash is. She'd love a challenge like this..."

...

-And that's it Zecora...I'm having all these strange...'feelings' toward Dipper that I've never had for anyone before...so I obviously must be sick, worse it's making me act like a huge dope around him!" Explained the young Mare to the zebra healer.

Zecora TRIED not to laugh amused, she REALLY did... "Ha ha! Sickness you indeed have, but these symptoms are just the start. It's a deep affliction that effects your heart."

Rainbow frowns at that, "Huh, a sickness of the heart...that sounds serious...is there a cure you can give me?"

Zecora rolls her eyes at the mare's obliviousness, "No cure can I give, no treatment, herb or brew. To relieve your condition, it's done solely to you."

Rainbow nodded, "Okay...so what then? We talking an exercise routine then? Some sorta diet maybe?"

Zecora smacked her face-hoofed in disbelief, "Your heart is the source of all your pain, you must share these feelings, with who the answer is plain."

Rainbow frowned as she tried to think through what was being told to her, "Oh...so you want me to talk to Nurse Redheart then? She like an expert in this or something?"

Zecora grunted annoyed, "Your falling in LOVE! You silly filly! It's easy to see. But your mind refuses to accept that this can be!" She stated flatly.

Rainbow gaped flustered, "Wha- I just- What- NO! Your wrong! I'm not some sissy dippy damsel in distress that needs a 'stallion' to make her life complete- vomits in her mouth a bit just saying that -I'm a strong, independent mare! Thank you very much!" She storms out of the hut in a huff.

An amused Zecora can't help but shake her head...she considers going after her-

 **RUMBLE!**

Her hut shakes as yet another quake shakes the forest...she looks over to her scales that are connected to the balance of power in the forest...and is horrified to see it thrown completely out of whack!

Forgetting everything else, Zecora runs off to inform the princesses of this impending crisis...

...

Mabel sighed as she lay on her bed...seriously rethinking her life... "This worlds unicorns are all 'grown up and mature'. 'My' worlds unicorns are jerks..." She Holds up a unicorn plushy. "What about you Princess Gumdrop kisses? What are you?"

She squeezes the middle of the plushy. "If your parents don't buy my toys. They don't love you." It responds.

Mabel glares at it darkly "I see...your a sellout...It occurs to me I've never actually made you speak..." She admits to herself sadly...

...Later...

After Mable goes off to play with Pinkie Pie Stan complains about the shack being too cold, and tells Soos to check the furnace.

Soos Takes a look in the furnace...and finds it's full of melted plastic and burning pony plushies. "Suuriiess thwo availllableeee sooon at a stoooreee neeaaar yyyyoooouuuuuuuuuuu." Squeaks Princess Gumdrop Kisses melting voicebox...

Soos stares into the furnace with a blank expression, "Huh. Y'know, that might have something to do with it..."

...

Wanting to get her mind off her visit to Zecora, Rainbow Dash was indulging in her newest favorite sport...cloud surfing in her rainbow trunks. _"Stupid Zecora...what dose she know? Dipper's just my friend! Sure, okay. He's pretty much the only REAL guy friend I have, and sure he invented and then introduced to me my two new favorite passions: Cloud surfing and Broomless Quiditch...just to make me happy...and he's smart...not in an overbearing egghead way like Twilight...but more of a real solid...'down to earth' kind of way...and I know I can always rely on him...he thinks I'm more awesome then even I do!...which kinda makes me want to BE better just so i don't disappoint him...and the way he smiles..."_

"RAINBOW! LOOK OUT!" A blushing Rainbow, having gotten lost in her thoughts, paid attention to her surroundings at the command of the familiar voice just in time-

 **CRASH!**

 **GAH!**

-To wipe out on a billboard...Rainbow screamed as she cartwheeled through the air, desperately trying to regain her equilibrium with her wings...but she was falling too fast!

 **ZOOM!**

"Got yah!" Shouted that familiar voice again, and suddenly Rainbow Dash found herself in a familiar...and comforting set of arms...a blushing Rainbow Dash realized she was now in Dipper's arms bridal style.

...said blush became even more prominent when she saw her rainbow trunks had been ripped off mid-fall on a nearby branch, "GAH! Don't Look at me!" Shouts Rainbow as she instinctively jumped down and frantically covered her groin from Dipper's sight humiliated.

Dipper just gave her a weird look and chuckled. "Uh...Dash? Your a PONY. Remember?" He points out.

Suddenly feeling VERY foolish- she was suddenly more 'red' then rainbow right now -she uncovered herself and got back on all fours, she chuckled in nervous mortification, "Heh...I knew that...just messing with yah- well-thanks-for-the-save-gotta-go-bye!" Shouts Dash as she tries to fly off quickly before she makes an even bigger fool of herself-

 **BAM!**

-A plan immediately thwarted by her running head-first into a wall. "DASH! Are you- "I'm fine! Don't worry Dipper! Me good! Bye!" Interrupts Dash as she runs again, she frantically shakes her head and slaps her own face multiple times. "Get a hold of yourself girl! Your not some klutzy debutante who stays awake all night thinking about a guy! Your a strong, independent mare!"

...later that night...

Rainbow Dash stared up at the ceiling from her bed...sleep refusing to come. "I bucking HATE my life." Said a cross and annoyed mare...

...

 **TO BE CONTINUED?**

 ** **AN:(1) the above is a parody of 'Springfield's anthem' from the Simpsons Movie****

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	17. Chapter 17

**Friendship-ISN'T magic? ch. 17**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

 **ANNOUNCEMENT!**

 **I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!**

 **SUMMARY:**  
 **On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!**

 **The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.**

...

 **AN: this chapter was collaborated with wolvenstrom**

...

While a Rainbow-maned Pegasus contemplated the new reality she'd been thrown in...on a certain farm elsewhere...a small, cloaked figure climbed down a rope made of sheets. She then quickly scuttled off the property...and avoided Luna's moon as she suck through Ponyville...and went right for the Gravity Falls Red-light district.

The little one knocked on a door, a man in a lab coat and a paper bag over his head peeked through the door. "Password?" "The lone Sparrow is ripe for the plucking." Responded the little filly.

The man nods, he gives her the bag in exchange for the bits. "The Black Hat organization thanks you for your continued patronage." He says cordially.

Applebloom nods and eats the first burger...and moaned in pleasure. "How can something so bad, tastes so good?" She said out-loud as she walked away...while another cloaked pony walked forward.

"Password?" "See with eyes unclouded by hate." The man nodded, "Here's your sex doll mam."

"SHHHH! Keep it down! And it's not like that! I'm just doing it for RESEARCH!" Insisted a flustered Lyra.

Dr. Flug rolled his eyes as he took his bits, "Riiiight, whatever you say miss."

As she leaves, Flug smiles at the LARGE que of cloaked ponies coming to his door... _"Right as always boss...right as always..."_

...

The next day Rainbow Dash- desperate for ANYTHING to get his mind off...'stuff -goes to play a relaxing game of throwing horse shoes with Applejack...

"Wow, Rainbow, heh. You couldn't hit a barn door with that kind of a throw!" Teased Applejack.

Rainbow growled, "Yeah, yeah. I still have the closest throw, Apple _smack_. Just try and beat it."

Applejack nods as she steps forward, truth be told. She was rather glad for this _distraction_...things were...tense between her and Twilight right now. It was pretty clear that Twilight did NOT agree with how they were handling the whole Mable/Dipper situation...which frankly offended her a bit. She was the expert in the group when it came to family matter's! Everyone else was more or less living on their own! Not only did she live with her family but she kept in constant contact with all her other kin! ...unlike everyone else!

...still, Twilight hadn't gone against her on this- even if she REALLY wanted to -...so she held her tongue on it. Besides, Twilight would soon see that she was right after all...and then things would be great between them again!

As if to emphasis her point, she hit the winning goal with the shoe! "Yee-haw! It's a ringer. That's how you do it down here on the farm." Shouts Applejack triumphantly.

Dashie was speechless, "...I lost."

Applejack put a 'comforting' hoof on her shoulder, "Ah, don't feel bad, Rainbow. It's all in good fun."

Dashie growled, "I _hate_ losing."

Applejack just smirked. "Besides, you're a mighty good athlete. I'm just better. Heh heh heh."

In another universe, this would've escalated into yet another 'slice-of-life, sit-com contest'-

 **BOOM!**

Thankfully, this was NOT that universe

Applejack turned around just in time to see a large group of giant, hairy, man-beasts storm onto her property and began to wreck the place!

"What in tarnation?"

"WOO-PARTY DOWN BRO'S" Shouted one Manitour as he ripped out a tree to use as a backscratch.

"HEY! PUT THAT DOWN!" Shouts Applejack annoyed, and the Manitour dose-

 **CRUNCH!**

-Right on several other trees that snap in two.

"CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" Shouts many more Manitour as they encourage their fellows to tear out the cider from the barn and gleefully chug it down.

"Now hold on there whippersnappers! You gotta pay for that!" Shouts Granny Smith, they respond by dumping a vat of cider on her...

Applejack, Rainbow and big Mac huff out steam. "THAT TEARS IT!" They scream as they charge forward.

...later...

"My word Dipper! Thank you! I've seen hairstyles in Canterlot not even half as good as this!" Shouts Rarity as she admires the haircut Dipper had given her.

Dipper smirked, "What can I say? I'm a guy of many talents." Suddenly his phone rang. "Hello?"

"MR. DIPPER! COME QUICK! A BUNCH OF MANITOUR ARE TEARING APART OUR PROPERTY AND- HEY! STAY OUT OF OUR MEDICINE CABINET! -My sister, Big Mac and Rainbow Dash are fighting them but- **BOOM!** (click)...

"Applebloom? APPLEBLOOM!?" Shouts Dipper...but the line was dead.

Dipper gets a dark look on his face, "Rarity...call the others. Applebloom and Applejack is in trouble..."

Before Rarity can respond...he's already gone...

...

Dipper was running down the road, _"Okay, seriously. What is going on lately? from all my research, the supernatural animals- save for rare occasions -never leave their territories in the forest! Especially not the Manitour! Could it...could it just be because of me bringing them to a new world? ...but that can't be right! One of the first things I did coming here was check how compatible the GF forest was to the rest of the world! all the tests came up positive! ...okay...so not Equestria...not the forest itsself...where dose that leave-_

 **BOOM!**

Dipper was forced to break away from his thoughts to dodge a falling log- "HA! We've won! We demand your livestock for consumption!" Shouted a Manitour!

"Taint happnin, ya ornary galloot!" Shouted the unmistakable howler of Granny Smith-

 **BOOM!**

Followed by the unmistakable sound of her outbucking someone-

 **CRACK! GAH! MY HIP!**

...followed naturally by the even more unmistakable sound of her hip giving out...again.

Dipper comes onto the farm just in time to see Leaderaur watch Granny Smith kick that boulder into the horizon much further than him "I HAVE BEEN EMASCULATED BY A TINY HORSE! I MUST NOW GO JUMP INTO THE PAIN CAVERN TO REGAIN MY MANHOOD!" He then runs off in shame...

Dipper turns to Chutzpar- the more rationale one of the group(which REALLY wasn't saying much), "Pain cavern?" He asks

Chutzpar shrugs, "It's like the pain hole, except a hundred manotaurs deep, and big enough for a manotaur to jump into."

Dipper quirks an eyebrow, "How do you get out?" "Painfully."

Dipper gestured to all the Manitour about, "Dare I ask what this is all about?" Chutzpar shrugs, "We need a new crib, this seemed a good a spot as any, we mocked the girly ponies and they wagered the farm in a man-off!"

Dipper groaned as she slapped his forehead, _"Of course they did...heaven forbid they wait for me or the princesses to come and either bargain or force them out- No, they have to do a stupid cliche!"_

Dipper knew he was being a bit unfair...under different circumstances he could easily see himself do something equally as stupid to prove his 'masculinity'. Thankfully, whatever universe that WOULD'VE happened, isn't this one.

Chutzpar saw Dipper's snarl and chuckled, "Relax Destructor, we've already lost fair and square...also the pink one has greatly incapacitated us-

"HI!" Shouts Pinkie Pie popping out of nowhere near dozens of groaning manitour who tried to play ROSHAMBO against her...and ended up kicking each other in the balls to prove their 'manliness'...

Dipper sighed, "Well that's good to hea- Wait, if they won. Why aren't they here?" He looks around and Applejack and Rainbow Dash are nowhere around...

Chutzpar chuckled, "They...I think they forgot they were fighting against US, and started to compete with each other-

Dipper face-palmed, "Oh, girls, girls, girls..." He chastised outloud in disbelief.

Chutzpar chuckled, "Yeah, it was crazy! Everyone else got terminated from the competition hours ago! But they still kept the competition on! Man-law decrees their both our new chiefs now! We told them we'd happily call it a draw since their both awesome...but they wouldn't go for it. Their having a final 'winner-take-all-challenge' as we speak."

Dipper sighed, "Alright, where's the multi-bear this time?" It wouldn't be too horrible a day at least, he'd get to hang with the multi-bear a bit after he got done 'talking' with the girls, maybe even listen to BABBA-

"Wha- Oh, right forgot to tell you! After you helped us make peace with the Multi-bear we stopped using him as a final challenge, now we use a lava monster!"

Dipper looked at him baffled/horrified... "WHAT!?"

...later...

The first thing Apple jack was aware of was that she was on her back, and her head pounding and swimming...she tried to make sense of what happened...

It had been a simple plan...she and Rainbow Dash would charge in, buck the monster until it yields, and the one that got the final blow would be the winner...

...They never even got to the monster. In fairness to them 'Convection' has never really been a problem for ponies before, between how much stronger they are then humans, their natural magic boosting their endurance, plus the natural harmony magic of Equestria making things a bit more 'kid-friendly'.

But the more 'realistic' lava in the middle of the darker and edgier GF forest? Between the intense heat and poisonous gas...they were already falling down and losing consciousness by the time they tried to skip across the first rock path across the lava!

 _"Am I...am I in...am I in..."_ It only now occurs to Applejack that she didn't know what happened after she died. She- like most ponies -simply didn't care, talk, mention, or even think about such things...life was so good, why ever think of such unpleasantness?

In any case...she seemed to be on her back...and something...something...on her mouth? Her eyes opened up...right as Dippers face pressing his mouth against her!"

 _"Wha- WHAT IN TARNATION ARE YOU DOING DIPPER!?"_ Shouts a flustered Applejack inside her head...which causes yet another dizzy spell. Usually, she'd buck first and ask questions later...but her body was too sore and dehydrated to move. Dipper then stops and presses down on her chest...then puts his lips to her again.

 _"Oh...he's giving me CPR...not giving me my first kiss...that...that makes more sense...although...in a way...still...kinda nice..."  
_ She thinks in a haze...

...

Finally, both Rainbow Dash and Applejack were semi-okay, patched up and re-hydrated. "You guys, feeling better?" Asked Dipper. The two mare's were trying to keep his eyes off him...he was currently wearing nothing but a loincloth, his clothes apparently having been singed off during his rescuing them from the volcano...This and him having just given them CPR was making them...flustered.

Dipper sighed as he saw this, "Relax guys. Your hormones are just being affected by the harmonious magic of Equestria. It's all good." "Say what now?" They both asked at once.

And Dipper explains how he'd noticed a rising trend of more and more pony/human couples shacking up. Dipper personally has nothing against it in principle...but still, for such a large number of inter-species relationships to occur in such a short time-frame between two radically different species...something just seemed off to him.

After some experimentation, he realized that the magic of Equestria- it's main purpose overall to 'make friends' -had been having difficulty having humans and pony's make strong bonds due to how radically different their mindsets and magics are...so it had been forced to take the path of least resistance...which for some reason was 'libido'.

Which for humans wasn't too bad(their used to it)...but for ponies...well, all their lives they'd been (mostly) sexually dead...basically- especial among the young pony teens - they were going through (from their perspective) the equivalent of 5 puberty's, ten Woodstocks, and one Andy Dick Christmas party...with no field of reference or help from elders(as this has never happened in Equestria before), the bashful ponies were forced to get tips of their 'sexual awakening' from said humans...which, with them becoming just as randy...well, you can guess what happens next...

Applejack let's out a sigh of relief, _"Of course! Magically induced hormones! That's what all that was earlier! Of course I'm not REALLY attracted to my best friend, sure that...kiss...was great...and...maybe wouldn't mind his lips moving down elsewher- OKAY, THINKING NEW TOPIC NOW! UNSEXY THOUGHTS! BIG MAC'S REAR! GRANNY SMITH'S SPONGE BATH! RARITY COMING OUT OF THE SHOWER!"_

 _"UNSEXY THOUGHTS! TWILIGHT'S PLOT-HOLE! PINKIE'S SMILE! APPLEJACK'S DIMPLES!"_ Thinks Dashie in a similar vein.

Oblivious to the internal conflict his two mare friends were going through, he asks again: "You guys doing alright?"

Getting their heads together both mare's nod, "Still a bit sore...but I think we'll be fine." Assures Applejack.

Dipper nodded, "Good, in that case do you mind explaining to me WHAT THE BLOOD WHERE YOU THINKING NEARLY GETTING YOURSELF KILLED LIKE THIS YOU MORONS!?"

Both Mare's winched under Dipper's hurtful words. They were STILL getting used to that part of Dipper's personality...BRUTAL honesty was in short supply in Equestria before Dipper showed up...especially amongst friends. Sure, Applejack tried to be as honest as possible with people...but never to the point where she's practically smacking them upside the head...no matter how much they might've deserved it...

"Seriously, guys if you'd just called us sooner...Celestia or me or any of your other friends- We could'a helped you!"

Applejack snorted, "I don't need help-

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" Shouts Dipper as he wipes out a now VERY familiar tape recorder and let's it play-

 **(Recording 1-4)**

 **Twilight Sparkle** : Oh, good, you're okay. Now Applejack, I completely respect the Apple family ways. You're always there to help anypony in need, so maybe you can put a little of your stubborn pride aside and allow your friends to help you.

 **Applejack** : Okay, Twilight.

 **Twilight Sparkle** : I am not taking "no" for an answer- _what_?

 **Applejack** : Yes, Twilight. Yes, _please_. I could really use your help.

 **Twilight Sparkle** : [chuckles] [sigh]

Applejack was already flustered when the recorder came out...hearing HER voice reminding her about a lesson to 'not be stubborn and let your friends help you'...that she ALREADY learned...for the FIFTH time.

Quick backstory: Turns out Dipper- among other quirks -recorded EVERYTHING 24/7...at first this was with the intent just to analyze enemy conversations or record tricked confessions...but now it was mainly being used to remind them of their friendship lessons...which they seemed to keep forgetting...a LOT.

 _...flashback..._

 _"Wait. Why do you need to record your every waking moment?" Asked Twilight the first time he wiped it out_

 _"Because you never know when you could be dragged into some crazy adventure or sobering truths. So I have to keep them rolling 24/7 just in case I learn any life lessons I don't want to forget" Explained Dipper._

 _"How do you 'forget' a life lesson?"_

 _"I don't know. How does Fluttershy keep having to learn not to let people walk all over her?" He retorted...to which she had no reply..._

...

Before the look of shame and embarrassment on her face could fade, Dipper wiped out another recording. "And before we get into how you two let your competitive spirit out of control- AGAIN-

( **recording 1-13** )

 **Applejack** : I'm sorry you had to see us being such poor sports, Princess.

 **Princess Celestia** : That's all right, Applejack. _Anypony can get swept up in the excitement of competition._

 **Twilight Sparkle** : _It's important to remember that the_ friendship _is always more important than the competition._

Now BOTH mares were embarrassed. Dipper groaned, "Guy's seriously, this is getting embarrassing. I'm RECORDING people 24/7. Let's be honest, this SHOULD have been a weird, crazy quirk you guys would 'intervene' to have me stop! To have it JUSTIFIED over and over again...that's just...it's embarrassing...to you, and to me just for being FRIENDS with you." He said plainly.

The two shame-faced mares could only nod in agreement.

Dipper turned to Applejack, "Applejack, do you realize that you got so busy with fighting Rainbow Dash- sure, it worked out -but what if your competing with her sunk your chances in the competition? You, your family and Applebloom would be homeless! Not to mention how stupid betting your farm just for the sake of your pride was in the first place!"

He then turns to Dashie, and Rainbow "And Rainbow, How would you have lived with yourself if your 'need to be the best' ruined Applejack's chances and led to her losing the farm. Would it really have been worth it?"

Both mares were in tears and hanging their heads in shame now, they may not like Dipper's attitude...but neither could deny that he only gave it when they had it coming.

After they apologized to him, they then walked back to the farm to apologize to the rest of the Apple clan. Their friends and Wendy were already there.

"(Giggle) gee, too much cloth and not a lot of loin. Huh Dipper?" She teased playfully.

Dipper immediately resolved to find clothes quickly.

A flustered Fluttershy offers to find some...but fails... An even more flustered Twilight eyes her suspiciously. She then volunteers herself to look for clothes... and finds some immediately.

Rainbow then surprises everyone by forfeiting and giving the chiefdom over to Applejack, claiming that with this much MANpower she'll never have another bad 'applebuck' season.

"Besides, now it's impossible for you to forget the 'okay to ask for help' lesson...at least...I hope it is...kinda getting worried about this to be honest. It's starting to seem like a serious problem." Admits Dashie.

With that worrying thought planted in their heads, the girls stay to finalize talks with the manitour while a now dressed Dipper goes to take the two exhausted mares out for food at a diner...they bump into his family there who join them.

Things were going well...until Dipper casually wonders out loud if he could beat the manliness tester and win the girls free pancakes.

As if a 'fixed point in time', his family ridicule him right on que.

Now in a different universe...ah, whatever! You know the drill by now! In any case Dipper completely ignores them, shrugs it off without a care or comment and goes back to eating-

 **SHUT THE BUCK UP!**

-The two mares who Dipper just saved from burning to death on the other hand...

The two Pines found themselves falling out of their chairs from the sheer intensity of the glares from the two ticked of mares.

Rainbow Dash glares at Mable. "How many times has Dipper protected, stood up, or covered for you!? And if that's not manly enough to you, then buck you! Grow up already! _"_

Applejack nods then glares at Stan, "And you don't exactly have a leg to stand on criticizing Dipper's music as 'girly' Mr. ' _Black and White_ Period Piece _Old_ Lady Boring _Movie Channel_.'"

Stan paled, "Whoa! Whoa! Keep that to yourself!" He said quietly as he hastily looked around to make sure no one heard. He then glares back at Applejack. "And your experience is what? Your big brother is literally built like a draft horse and can uproot trees with his teeth."

"Under the effects of a love poison I gave to him in experiment. Why does everyone always forget that?" Asks Twilight as she and Rarity suddenly come onto the scene.

Applejack sighed, "Ya know. Ah decided the other day ah didn't like going inta conversations with you humans blind anymore, so ave been studying a little..."

Twilight looks positively giddy over this confession. Rarity plugs her word hole to let Applejack speak.

Briefly thanking Rarity Applejack continues, "Now ah could tell you about Rockhoof, and how he tried to save his entire town from an erupting volcano by himself when he was still just a skinny little sack a bones...but something tells me you'd understand better where am going with this line of thought if ah said... 'Audie Murphy'?" Applejack asks that last bit smugly.

Stan's smile drops and starts rubbing the back of his head embarrassed...

Mabel giggles perversely, she knows who she's talking about...or so she thinks. "YAY! The badass war hero with muscles on his muscles and ten feet tall!" She gives off a lustful growl, "Wouldn't mind taking a bite of that beefcake."

"Well, there goes my appetite." Says Dipper as he pushes away his beefcake in sudden disgust.

Applejack chuckles as this scene, "Actually, contrary to what his films showed he was more like THIS." She pulls out a picture showing the famed actor was actually quite short and slight of stature.

...Mable...just gaps in astonished disbelief...

Applejack continues to glare at the two, "The size of a man...or a stallion ain't measured by size of strength, but by strength of heart. And when that's the case, why Dipper's more of a man than anyone else in your whole dang town."

Dipper then surprises everyone, by wining the flapjacks- "I may have rigged it earlier to let me win, I was going to prank my family...but this work too, thanks." -He whispered to Dashie, who hoof bumps him in respect...while trying to hide her blush as well.

Twilight comes up to Dipper. "About Audie Murphy...I looked him up to...and I keep finding mention of a 'WWII'...but nothing more specific, can you give me more details?"

Dipper paled, "Ehhhh...I'll have to get back to you on that..." Twilight frowned at this...but sighed and moved on. "In any case I have something more important to talk to you about." She pulls out some charts and graphs. "I looked into what you told me...and I think you might be on to something, I think 'something' might be tweaking Equestria's magic to affect our libido's."

Dipper nodded, "I knew it...the whole thing reeked like a bad porno-plot that you only find in poorly written smut fanfiction...though I gotta say, you've thrown yourself into this investigation with way more gusto then expected."

Twilight blushed, "Uh...I may have a- (awkward cough) -personal interest in getting to the bottom of this." She tries to keep her eyes off dipper as she says this, not trusting herself to do something to give herself away.

Before dipper can press more- Dashie plops by, "Uh...so I think I'm just going to go home...thanks for...y'know saving me and junk." She says while blushing up a storm.

Dipper, still having his attention divided between Rainbow and the charts says. "Hey thank you for sticking up for me back there, I appreciate that Dashie."

Rainbow discovers new levels of red for her blush, "Dashie?"

Dipper's eyes went wide also flustered, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean-

"No! No...it's...it's fine...you can call me... Dashie if you want." Admits Dashie...and was surprised to find herself sincere about it.

"Oh...okay...Thank you...Dashie." Says Dipper with a smaller blush on his face, he then quickly walks away with Twilight(who was now looking back at 'Dashie' bewildered) to look over her charts more.

Dashie sighs...and turns right into a smirking Applejack. "What?" She asks in as aloof a way she can muster given the circumstances.

"You HATE being called Dashie...you only let your parents call you that...and Pinkie...only because she's pinkie."

Dahie babbled, "Wha- I- It- Look it sounds better coming from him, whatever!" She snarks.

Applejack chuckles, "You like him! the high , mighty and 'macho' 'DASHIE' has a crush."

Dashie glared, "Oh, get off your high stallion! I saw you while Dipper was giving CPR! You'd woken up minutes ago and you were clearly pretending to still be out so Dipper would keep kissing you! Don't deny it! I've FOUGHT you 'buddy'! I know when your breathing is real!"

Applejack blushed, "Wha- No! It's- It's those dang hormones Dipper was talking about! I ain't no fru-fru damsel in distress that stays up all night pinning for some fellah!"

"QUE SCENE CHANGE!" Shouts a suddenly appearing Pinkie Pie.

...that night...

A now VERY insomniac Applejack stares at the ceiling from her bed, "Dang it." And reluctantly sets aside 5 bits to give to a soon to be VERY smug Dashie come the morning...

...

 **TO BE CONTINUED?**

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	18. Chapter 18

**Friendship...ISN'T magic? ch. 18**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

 **ANNOUNCEMENT!**

 **I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!**

 **SUMMARY:**  
 **On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!**

 **The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.**

...

Robbie Valentino had no idea how he got here...making out with a hot pony on her bed, but he wasn't going to complain! Especially if this was going where he thought it wa-

"MOM! I'M READY FOR SCHOOL!" Shouted Elain's son Button Mash from across the house.

Annnd, like that the moment was gone-

"IT'S SUNDAY! GO BACK TO BED!" Shouts Elain annoyed. Seriously, what was WRONG with that kid?

"NEVER MIND!" Shouts Button again.

Despite this, they try to get back in the mood-

"MOM!"

-and Robbie ends up with his tongue almost bitten off-

"I'm going to kill that kid!" He growled-

Right before Button ran in screaming, chased by a horde of angry, colorful, FLYING jellyfish-

 **OW!**

 **OW!**

 **OW!**

Needless to say, the mood was ruined...and so would everyone Else's in town today-

...

Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash were heading down to the library to get Twilight so they can go to Dipper and Fluttershy's latest concert...when they saw the Princesses appear and enter the library!

Curious, they followed them in...

"Oh, hey girls. Your just in time I'm here to show the Princesses something...'unsettling' I found during my human studies." Explained Twilight

"Oh, sweet Celestia. What now?" Groaned Rarity. Honestly, she was glad Dipper was back- he'd become such a good assistant stylist and designer...and quite a lot of other useful things! -but his...'baggage'- AKA 'humanity'...it was like rolling over one stone to find something repulsive...only to find another stone beneath THAT and discover something WORSE under it! then REPEAT!

Twilight held up a recording, "This is yet another one of Andrew Ryan's speeches."

The Princesses listened with interest. Celestia shared her pupils concerns over an ideology that encouraged one to do as they please without legal or moral guidance and Luna was equally wary as he saw in Ryan the making of another dictator...if he wasn't one already.

The recording plays...

"What is the greatest lie ever created? What is the most vicious obscenity ever perpetrated on mankind? Slavery... the Holocaust-

"Holocaust? What's that?" Whispers Pinkie Pie. Twilight shrugs, she had no clue. And they go back to listening-

... dictatorship... NO! It's the tool with which all that wickedness is built. Altruism. "

"WHAT?" The rest of the group beside Twilight gasp.

Twilight sigh's, "It gets worse..."

The recording continues; "Whenever anyone wants others to do their work, they call upon their altruism. "Never mind your own needs," they say, "think of the needs of ..." of ... whoever. Of the state. Of the poor. Of the army. Of the king. Of God. The list goes on and on. How many catastrophes were launched with the words "think of yourself"? It's the "king and country" crowd who light the torch of destruction. It is this great inversion, this ancient lie, which has chained humanity to an endless cycle of guilt and failure."

There was a stunned silence as the recording tapperd off...

Finally; "Ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous." Says Rarity flatly.

"Dang toottin it's ridiculous! What, it's EVIL to help out your fellow pony? I helped my grandma across the street yesterday out of altruism, that make me evil?" Spats out Applejack, her anger over such a selfish human clearly apparent.

And that anger was clearly infectious

Princess Celestia nods. "Indeed, I can name a lot of tragedies off the top of my head that was done because somebody was thinking only of themselves. Ryan Might be right about horrors being done in the name of others, but it seems he's turning a blind eye to what people will do when they are only concerned for themselves..."

Twilight sighs, "Well ridiculous or not my studies have shown-

 **GAH!**

 **HELP!**

Everyone looks outside to see the source of the calamity that had interpreted them, first they just see doctor whooves crashing into a lamppost and dropping his watch down a sewer drain...

And then THEY came after him...

 **CRASH!**

"RUN GIRLS!" Shouted Twilight as the jellyfish broke in and came after THEM...

...

Meanwhile, in the park the Pony-Tones are being led by Dipper and Fluttershy...

 **I'm at war with the world and they**  
 **Try to pull me into the dark**  
 **I struggle to find my faith**  
 **As I'm slippin' from your arms**

Sang Dipper before Fluttershy chipped in flying oh so close to Dipper.

 **It's getting harder to stay awake**  
 **And my strength is fading fast**  
 **You breathe into me at last**

The Pony Tones begin to chorus-

 **I'm awake I'm alive**  
 **Now I know what I believe inside**  
 **Now it's my time**  
 **I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life**  
 **here (right here), right now (right now)**  
 **I'll stand my ground and never back down**  
 **I know what I believe inside**  
 **I'm awake and I'm alive**

Dipper starts up again-

 **I'm at war with the world cause I**  
 **Ain't never gonna sell my soul**  
 **I've already made up my mind**  
 **No matter what I can't be bought or sold**

Fluttershy eagerly hugs him as she sings-

 **When my faith is getting weak**  
 **And I feel like giving in**  
 **You breathe into me again**

The Pony Tones Chorus again-

 **I'm awake I'm alive**  
 **Now I know what I believe inside**  
 **Now it's my time**  
 **I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life**  
 **here (right here), right now (right now)**  
 **I'll stand my ground and never back down**  
 **I know what I believe inside**  
 **I'm awake and I'm alive**

Dipper and Fluttershy sing as one.

 **Waking up waking up**  
 **Waking up waking up**  
 **Waking up waking up**  
 **Waking up waking up**

 **In the dark**  
 **I can feel you in my sleep**  
 **In your arms I feel you breathe into me**  
 **Forever hold this heart that I will give to you**  
 **Forever I will live for you**

The Pony Tones chorus again-

 **I'm awake I'm alive**  
 **Now I know what I believe inside**  
 **Now it's my time**  
 **I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life**  
 **here (right here), right now (right now)**  
 **I'll stand my ground and never back down**  
 **I know what I believe inside**  
 **I'm awake and I'm alive**

One final time Fluttershy and Dipper sing together-

 **Waking up waking up**  
 **Waking up waking up**  
 **Waking up waking up**  
 **Waking up waking up**

The Ponies and humans went crazy! Human music was quickly becoming very popular thanks to the duet singing of these two! Fluttershy felt giddy! She was in front of hundreds of people and she didn't feel afraid! And she owed it all to Dipper! With him by her side she felt she could do anything!

 **JELLYFISH! RUN!**

"Except THAT!" Screamed Fluttershy as the jelly fish descended on the park stinging everyone!

...latter...

After much running, confusion and stinging...so much STINGING...the princesses, Mane six, and Dipper were finally able to drive the jellyfish away...away from Ponyville at least.

Dipper groaned as he looked through his journal while the others patched their wounds. "Okay, something is definitely wrong-

"Yeah, no kidding Sherlock." Groused Rainbow annoyed as stinging ointment was rubbed on her now festering boils.

Dipper ignored her and continued, "At first I just dismissed so many animals migrating OUT of the forest as them trying to adjust to a new ecosystem... But the flying jellyfish are non-migratory, highly-territorial, heavily reliant on the self-contained ecosystem of the forest, and exclusively live in the higher tier areas of the forest..."

"So what dose that mean exactly?" Asked Twilight concerned. Dipper puts down the journal and turns toward his friend, "It means that someone or SOMETHING seems to be driving the animals out of the Gravity Falls forest...and that's not going to be good for ANYONE."

The ponies started to look frightened, "Uh...could you clarify a bit darling?" Asks Rarity.

 **BOOM!**

 **BOOM!**

 **BOOM!**

Everyone looked up just in time to see a Regal Mammoth defy all laws of physics and space as it steps out of the much smaller GF forest and tower over Ponyville...

"Well for one thing your going to get creatures like that walking around...I'd ask how something that big could exist when the laws of weight and mass would mean it's body would cave in on itself...but then I remember magic is a thing..."

He trails off as he sees everyone just gaping at beast that could crush Ponyville underfoot...

Dipper quickly reads through the journal again, "Right how's up for a quick journey into it's body to shut it down?"

BODY ADVENTURE!

Shouts Pinkie excited...

...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: the song is 'awake and alive' by Skillet.**

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


End file.
